A
female
age
30-35,
*implyme899
writes:I've been through a lot of stress and heartache, shame as well as guilt, and more. I will try to make this as short as I can. I'm 23 years old and I have a 2 year old daughter. I got married when I was 21 and I was with him for 6 years..right now were going through a divorce and its been rough to say the least. I have temp full custody of our daughter and thn e divorce is still in process.. its been financially strainging for me handling everything by myself, he hasn't paid child support and I don't make much money at all. Family is basically tapped out with helping me as well. So a month after I moved out of our, now his home. He gets his highschool girlfriend pregnant. (Crushed me). Of course she's thrilled. Two months later new years eve me and my husband re-kindle and he says he wants to try one last time, see a counslor and be committed. Also he tells me he. Is addicted to meth. And needs help. Not even three weeks he relapses and sleeps with the other woman again. Now I'm 6 weeks pregnant, scared and hurt. He isn't helping with our daughter now, he probably won't be around for this baby either. He's still with the other woman and barely speaks to me. I'm torn, my heart wants this baby, but my mind says to get an abortion, that bringing a child into an unfit life and situation like mine is wrong...but my heart wants it.. my family thinks abortion is the way to go, but I don't know...help please
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 February 2013):
 Honey, it's a very hard decision but you are thinking of what he COULD BE if he was in RECOVERY... and that's actually not a common thing....
I have friends in recovery and they have been in recovery for 17 years.... every day is still a struggle.... don't drink, don't snort coke, don't surround yourself with folks that do... be an adult and be responsible... it's very very hard and the first year of recovery is the hardest and they are not supposed to even have relationships.
I live with an drunk. He knows he's a drunk (he even says I'm a drunk alcoholics go to meetings) and I love him WHERE he is.... I would LOVE him to get sober but it's not happening any time soon.
IF you can't love your man where he is in his addiction (and you would be wise not to) then you can't love his POTENTIAL.
I understand if he was clean and sober and in recovery it would be perfect. BUT HE'S NOT and you can't pretend he is or that he's going until he's done it and done it well for at least a year. And even then he can relapse....
an addict in recovery is still an addict... and an addictive personality is still an addictive personality.
I had weight loss surgery. I am a food addict as are many folks who have WLS. Food is our drug of choice... but when you take away our ability to over eat we tend to find new addictions... and it's a very huge problem in the WLS field... some people become alcoholics...some transfer their addictions to shopping or sex or gambling...
DO not love his potential. YOU MUST love him where he is... if you cannot (and that's ok if you cannot) then you must painfully walk away.
I see what and who my husband could be without the alcohol and I would love that full time. It's not happening any time soon as far as he's concerned and I have learned to accept that.
A
female
reader, simplyme899 +, writes (11 February 2013):
simplyme899 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do have my own townhome, I work full time, my daughter is in daycare and I'm not getting any help from the state. He is ordered to pay child support but hasn't. My family has been helping with court/divorce attorney fees. I want him to get sober because he was a amazing father. I'm scared to do this alone...its a very hard decision for me. Thanks for any type of input it helps
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A
female
reader, simplyme899 +, writes (11 February 2013):
simplyme899 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know I need to forget about him, I'm hoping he gets better because he was a great father. I do have my own townhouse, I work full time, I provide for everything myself. My family is helping with more along the lines of my divorce/court fees. My soon ex husband is only ordered 175 a month in childsupport which hasn't been paid because he's unemployed (go figure) but he is fighting for custody for our daughter now. I can't imagine adoption, because like I said I do want the baby, I actually had a miscarry a month before we split which is making this even worse. But the reality of even going through the pregnancy alone scares me, I want to make the best choice for the baby, but this isn't just an every day choice... its a life. Thanks for your help, I hope I can get past this battle with my heart and my mind. Thanks again
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 February 2013):
I know you want this baby but I really think that if you are not opposed to abortion, that with some proper counseling that would be the best option for you.
your Soon to be x is a deadbeat dad already. you need to get court ordered child support.
day care for two is prohibitively expensive....
sometimes what we want is not best for all involved.
as it is you struggle to care for yourself and your daughter.... adding a baby to the mix will double the struggle... and the financial burden...
I know that folks often say that you regret abortions and if you feel that way... then perhaps adoption would be the way to go... I also know however for me, I do not think I could carry a child to term, then give it up even though that would be what is best for the child.
I'd rather deal with the abortion after effects....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 February 2013):
 I'll sound heartless, but I think that in your case the mind should win hands down, and just " listening to your heart " would be a self indulgence that would be basically unjust toward the newborn and most of all the kid you have already.
You say that you are financially struggling and your family is already tapped out with helping, so who is going to provide the financial support for another kid ? A cheating , indifferent, meth addicted ex who is already NOT paying for the child he already had with you ?
It's really not the moment to think about giving a sibling to your child , until you haven't sorted yourself out a bit and managed to provide some more stability for her, which I wish you it may happen soon.
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