A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm really struggling to deal with my paranoid and jealous thoughts at the moment. I've been with my partner for over 3 years now and we got engaged in November, but for some reason I just can't stop thinking that he is cheating on me or up to no good with other girls at work.When we met his relationship with his wife was ending as she was having an affair and they weren't getting on. He came after me at work (we still work together) and explained what was going on. I should have waited till they were properly separated to get with him but we started at that time and within a month she had left as he had told me was happening (he knew she was looking for new places to move with her partner)Now 3 years later, if I am not at work or around I am constantly thinking he's going to do to me what he did with her even if we aren't at break up point. I am constantly thinking he is with other women from work or that he's going to approach them and try and get with them like he did with me. I know I only have myself to blame for this, but I really feel crushed by all the thoughts I am having and the doubts I have in himWhen I ask him about it he mostly reassures me that I am the only one he wants and how that would never happen etc, and other times he well get angry that I am not trusting him. Does anyone have any advise on how I can push these thoughts from my mind? I want to enjoy our engagement and also trust him in the way that he deserves....I'm afraid I'm going to end up turning into a stalker just to try and confirm my thoughts aren't true
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female
reader, Nik9  +, writes (11 February 2013):
You need to really think about this long and hard before you tie the knot. If you can't trust him, all this is going to do is push him away and continue to make you feel paranoid. What kind of a life is that? There is a chance he is cheating, as there is in any relationship. The fact that you got together when he was still with his last wife makes me personally feel like you might have just been the rebound girl to make him feel better about the breakup. HOWEVER there is also a chance he really means what he is saying. Perhaps you really are the one for him. We can't tell you because we don't know him.You have to figure this out on your own. But please don't bring any children into this until you know what to do. By this I mean don't marry him if you can't trust him, have kids, then leave him in 5 years when you find out your gut feelings were right and he was cheating. It's not fair to the children.
A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (11 February 2013):
 You have every right to feel concerned and suspicious because if he did it to his wife he will do it to you too. Leopard's do not change their spots. I can think of numerous examples of friends I have known who while their marriages were 'ending' got together with someone else. When they grew bored with this person they did the whole thing all over again. At the moment though, you have no proof this is happening and being paranoid about it is pushing him away so unless you have concrete evidence it might be best to ease up on the insecurity. You know that if it is going to happen it will happen without any intervention from you and if you do start enquiring about what he is up to and constantly needing reassurance it will push him away. At the moment your fears are groundless but do remember as you already are aware that a guy like this has form so always be aware.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 February 2013):
 you want to trust him the way he deserves... you do.
you got with him when his last relationship was on the rocks and he lied and cheated to his wife.
how do you expect to trust someone when you know they are willing to lie to a person they made marriage vows with.
if he lied to her he can lie to you... no wonder you don't trust him.
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