A
female
age
30-35,
*arley89
writes:I am currently in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. We have a huge age gap 11years??. We met at work and fell hard for each other. We've obviously had our ups and downs but grew stronger throughout the year. My boyfriend has two kids and is not able to have anymore children unless he gets his vasectomy reversed, which he says he wants to for me. He claims he wants to marry me one day and have our family, which I have wanted with him for awhile now. We have some trust issues from day one that I've tried to get over but seem to be struggling. We don't have a lot in common but I do love him and could see us together forever. I recently met this New Guy on FB, just as friend and we've been talking occasionally. He has so many interests that I do and we have so much in common. We want the same things in life and able to acheieve them. He always makes the comment if I'd only give him a chance to show me how great we could be. I'm torn bc I do love my boyfriend but I just feel like we are at two different points in our lives. He's exspericened so much already and my life is just beginning. Do I continue with my boyfriend to see if he will truly give me a future I want even though there's age difference and trust issues? Or do I pursue someone who I know can be the man I've always wanted? Help!!!!! ????
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 May 2017):
 The fact that you even have to ask the question shows that your heart is not fully in this relationship. Yes he is at a different stage at life, and well you should have saw that before you ended up getting in to a relationship with him. This guy is chatting about marriage and getting surgery so he can give you children. Honestly I think you need to ask yourself is this really what you want? Because it sounds to me like you don't. Love sometimes is not enough and if it takes something as simple as a man with more interests the same as yours to make you re-think the relationship then I doubt it is what you want. Honestly be kind to your boyfriend and end things with him. But I would also give yourself sometime to be single before jumping straight in to another relationship.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (11 May 2017):
The fact that you even have to ask the question shows that your heart is not fully in this relationship. Yes he is at a different stage at life, and well you should have saw that before you ended up getting in to a relationship with him. This guy is chatting about marriage and getting surgery so he can give you children. Honestly I think you need to ask yourself is this really what you want? Because it sounds to me like you don't. Love sometimes is not enough and if it takes something as simple as a man with more interests the same as yours to make you re-think the relationship then I doubt it is what you want. Honestly be kind to your boyfriend and end things with him. But I would also give yourself sometime to be single before jumping straight in to another relationship.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (10 May 2017):
 While I agree that the relationship with the older BF is on the rocks. I'm a bit less optimistic about the new guy. He is just some stranger you met on face book. You also seem to have some trouble with fidelity. (checking out new guys, while in a committed relationship) I find it a bit Ironic that you have "Trust issues" with him. If he had the opportunity to read your post here today, I suspect that there would be some Trust issues both ways. And with all of this distrust, and untrusworthiness, you have no trouble completely trusting some random stranger on face book. You believe every occasional word he posts to you.
I'm going to throw out something I say a lot. You need to think about it, even if you are mad at me. Every relationship is a relationship of Trust. Trust is the Stuff that Relationships are made up out of. If you don't have Trust you don't have a relationship. Now trust is more than blindly believing everything someone says. Trust is built up grain by grain of promises made and then kept. Intimacies shared and then verified. It is not sharing your hopes and desires with Old BF and him promising to fill them, but not actually doing anything to make it happen. It is not new guy mirroring your likes online occasionally. but never really being there to share your likes with you. those things that I believe you have been substituting for trust are just hollow imitations of the real thing.
The gals have given you sound advice to look into finding yourself before you jump into another relationship. My suggestion is that you start that process by answering these two questions:
1) Why did you get into a serious committed relationship with a person you don't trust?
2) Why did you start an online flirtation with a new guy while you were in a committed relationship?
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A
male
reader, Phil052  +, writes (10 May 2017):
 I agree with the other posters. The initial task is to decide on your existing relationship, and I get the impression you have a number of doubts for very valid reasons. The FB man seems enticing, but you don't really know him, so be careful there too!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 May 2017):
 I fully agree with Anonymous 123,
You should be with neither.
Your current relationship has run its course. You want things that your current BF have already done. Like, have a family, marriage etc. The new guy is more of a blank slate with a LOT less baggage and he is showing you (without trying to) what you are ACTUALLY missing in your current BF.
If you are SO easily tempted by a "new" man then you most likely aren't as happy with the one you are with.
"Relationship jumping" is not a smart thing to do. FINISH one relationship, get over that person, re-find yourself, calibrate your standards hopes and dreams - THEN consider getting to know a new person and then date them.
Also, may I suggest that thinking about having kids with a guy you have been with less than a year is a bit too fast. Kids are for LIFE. So be VERY sure that the guy you are with is someone who YOU want to be with for the LONG haul.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 May 2017):
 So Harley, I'm assuming from your name that you're 28 and your boyfriend is 39?
Ok so here's the thing. As much as you think that you want to make things work with the boyfriend, take it from me it's not going to be easy. You're right when you say that he's experienced life already and you're just starting out. If you marry him then you'll be the step mom of two kids who no doubt this guy is already providing for. Then if you have a couple of kids of your own, he'll be taking care of this family as well as the other one. Big pressure on finances plus juggling two sets of kids.
And then you say that you have trust issues and not a lot in common which is kind of a given, considering your age gap. He will find it difficult to relate to things that you find fun or interesting.
Now as regards the other guy. I think the reason you're attracted to him is not because he's relatable but because he's showing you everything that your boyfriend isn't. He's your age, he's easy going, he's fun and most importantly, you're seeing things from the outside. Everything looks hunky dory from there. When you get involved, start living together, talk about money, raise a family... That's where you really see what the person is all about.
Right now I don't think you should be with either of these guys. Not with the boyfriend because he has nothing new to offer to you and whatever he will, will be complicated. You could get to know the new guy but for heaven's sake don't jump into a relationship. That's like going from the frying pan into the? fire. You need some time off to get in touch with yourself, without a guy, without any pressure, without someone breathing down your neck.
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