A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so my girlfriend and I have been dating for a while, and me and her both really love each other. She's chosen abstinence, and we've made out a couple times, and she's given me a handjob, and I've fondled her breasts, and that's as far as we've gone, and I'm wondering, if fingering is too far? I'm not particularly one for religion, and neither is she, I'm just curious, because in all honesty I'm too scared to ask her her boundaries.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 November 2014):
 Actually, talking about it with the lights and clothes on is the best course of action, and it sure beats pushing the limits when the lights are off.
She sounds like she's up for "outercourse" with the handjobs and the fondling. If you're interested in giving her a handjob as well (I always hated the term "fingering" to be honest), just tell her. Since it sounds like abstinence is HER rules, ask her about oral sex and masturbating her. You've made out and it sounds like she's been up for your hands to explore.
You mentioned that she's not going for abstinence for religious reasons. Has she said she's waiting until marriage, or is this a "for now" sort of thing? Why is she not wanting sex?? Is it more that she swears off casual sex hookups and only goes for it in a serious relationship? Or is this in response to some past baggage or trauma/abuse??
I'm asking because I couldn't help noticing your age. Is she the same age as you are?? Is she a virgin?? I just want to make sure she hasn't chosen abstinence because of some prior sexual assault that you could accidentally push.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (30 November 2014):
It’s very refreshing to read of a couple not rushing in to bed, and being so respectful of each other’s boundaries.
Perhaps next time you do kiss or get intimate, you should start by telling her again that you respect her boundaries and don’t want her to feel uncomfortable with anything. Tell her there’s something else you were thinking it might be nice to try, tell her what it is, and get her response. This way gives her the ability to say no without worrying she’ll offend you in any way. Of course you’re nervous, of course it’s awkward, but you best do this by surrounding your suggestion with lots of reassurance. It doesn’t sound like a huge step up from what you’ve both done together already, to be honest. Couples always have to deal with these difficult issues: spend any length of time on this site and you’ll see couple who’ve been having sex for some time, struggling with boundaries issues over subjects like oral sex. It’s all about the way you say things, and the efforts you make to support each other. Good luck.
I wish you all the very best.
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