A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well this is the first time iv wrote on this forum so please be nice.There is a long background story to this so please be patient... We are both 18 and iv been with my girlfriend a couple of months now (officially) however we have been everything but the title for just over a year. We have been really close friends since we first spoke just over 2 and a half years ago. We both had separate partners but soon after i split up with mine i noticed our chemistry even more. From the first moment i laid eyes on her i knew she was something special. Eventually we kissed and we tried to fight it since she was in a relationship at the time but it couldnt be helped. Since we were moving to different universities we decided that we would just leave each other as 'the one that got away' but that still didnt happen. She finally broke up with her boyfriend but is still not over him, this happened about 4 months ago now. She still wont admit to all of her friends that we are official because she is scared of losing them and hurting his feelings. Above all this i love her so much and we get on fantastically well. However we have begun to argue because i am overprotective and she has never dealt with it before. I dont ask for much, i get in a mood when something happens i dont like but i dont shout at her for it, but she gets mad at me for acting like this. We have always been open about everything but she has started to be afraid of telling me things i wont be happy with. I am trying my best to change for her but i dont know what else i can do as i dont like us arguing about this.ALL advice welcome
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male
reader, jeffditton  +, writes (29 January 2010):
I know this post is old, but I'm also an overprotective guy seeking to change, maybe we can PM and see if we can't help each other out to change our ways, I've been lookin for somebody that has the same problem.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe are very good at talking things out, but we shouldnt have to talk it out in the first place because i shouldnt have a problem with the things that i do. She is a self confessed flirt but that is all, she sees that as fun where as i do not. Its simple things like that that we disagree on because i am very protective of her. This is mostly my issue that i need to fix.
How do i let go and just trust her? I know she isnt going to hurt me or cheat on me and i do strongly believe this. I just cannot seem to trust her. I am quite insecure in myself even though she tells me endlessly that these views are unfounded so i think that might have something to do with it. I just feel that i need a new outlook on things that suits us both better, i just cant seem to find that way of thinking.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 February 2009):
 I still don't understand how you are being overprotective, things that she sees as humorous but your attitude then becomes an inconvenience? Hmm. I used to have a boyfriend that thought that because he was the guy, that he had the right to comment on or try to control who I hung around with, how I dressed (I was NEVER trampy)... it was a case of him not understanding the boundaries. He thought that we had somehow become one organism, for want of a better word. He thought that the falling in love feeling meant you melded together and everything you did, you did together. Way too clingy, if you see my point. The falling in love does lead you to feeling this way, but eventally you remember that you are discrete individuals with the right to your own decisions, your own privacy, your own interests, your own friends. You cannot control each other's behavior. You might diapprove of some things (I know I didn't like that boyfriend's friends very much) but it's not up to you to direct the other person. Conversely, you cannot blame the behavior of someone else on your girlfriend. This boyfriend I mention had a friend who commented on my looks, specifically my bottom. My boyfriend didn't get angry with his friend, the one who made the comment, he got angry with ME!!! That should have been a red flag for me there, but it took a while for me to figure out that he was controlling. He once got so angry at the way I was enjoying a conversation with a male friend, a conversation in public, at a restaurant, with people all around, NOT flirting, just laughing and telling silly jokes, but I was paying attention to another male (the horror!) -- he actually took his pulse! He took his pulse and told me what it was (it was hight) and that it was my fault he was so upset.
It's taken me some years to see that this was HIS problem, not mine, HE was the one who had the issue. D'you see what I mean?
Look, I understand that you are upset that she hasn't told all her friends. This sounds like the coward's way out to me, frankly, but it's HER problem and HER decision. If you don't like it, that's YOUR problem. You're taking it on yourself, if I'm making this clear, when it isn't really your issue.
I mean, it does affect you and it does show she has somethings to deal with, but it's HER deal.
So I can understand your frustration and applaud your patience with it. The only thing you can do is keep being patient with her, she sounds a bit young and immature, perhaps she'll grow out of it and realize she needs to be honest with people.
Learning to disagree and how to argue is going to stand you in good stead later in life, so you might as well start practicing now. Did you happen to read my mini-guide?
Another thing for you to work on is to find the words that express your feelings in a way that she can understand and have empathy with. It takes time and infinite patience for this. You cannot be grumpy and hope that she will see your side, you need to be calm and loving, even as you explain that her latest escapade has caused you to question her judgement. As I said, it takes practice and patience.
We can do a practice dialogue, if you'd like. You be her and I'll take your part. I'm happy to do this via PM if you want or we can lay it out here, where it might help another reader in the future. Your choice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe've never threatened each other or raised our voices, when we do argue its us both just being grumpy, after a while we do manage to talk it out but its just her being mad at me until that happens. It just takes a bit of patience, something she doesnt seem to have about this. She cant seem to relate to how or why I feel protective about things that she sees as a bit of good humour etc...Therefore she just finds it as an inconveniance.I am not fully a secret, her family, close friends and university friends all know but she cannot openly tell everyone because another set of her friends are really good friends with her ex and she doesnt want to lose them.Everybody thought there was something going on between us but when her friends found out they were very harsh to her about it and stopped talking to her so she wants to keep the friends that havent. People know that she has cheated.We have never argued before the entire time Ii knew her and this is the only thing that we argue about, I really want to change and not be such a problem for us but I just cant seem to let it go.Oh and by 'in a mood' I do mean grumpy etc.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 February 2009):
P.S. Do you realize that simply by asking this question, you are on the way to becoming a simple awesome boyfriend?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 February 2009):
A couple of issues and lots of questions for me here: One is that you're not really the official boyfriend until she has acknowledged this to her family and friends. Right now, you're the secret. That must very extremely hurtful to you. As another aunt said, she's more concerned about his feelings than yours right at the moment.
Second: You said she's still not over her boyfriend, and the breakup was four months ago. But you two have been intimate for a year now? So is that she was technically cheating on her boyfriend that she doesn't want the secret out?
Third: You say you are overprotective and that she has stopped telling you things because you won't like it. You must react really badly to things you don't want to hear OR she hasn't been totally honest with you.
Is is because that you two are a 'secret' that you are overreacting? Or is it because she's not certain of you quite yet that she's keeping things a secret? Is it because she doesn't want to be found out as a cheater?
And what exactly do you mean by being "in a mood"? If my husband is "in a mood", he gets very grumpy and a bit annoying to be with but I'm not afraid to tell him things. I've NEVER been fearful of him. You must be scaring her on some level. Have you analyzed what you do and say? Are you self-aware enough to recognize threatening behavior when it is you who is doing it? And is alcohol involved in any way here?
Could you be a more specific of what you mean by "overprotective" and give us some examples? The word means one thing to me but it could mean something entirely different to you.
One of the most difficult things in any relationship is deciding how you agree to disagree. By that I mean you need to establish set rules for arguing. I know, I know, that's crazy, the whole point of arguing is because you're sorting out a disagreement. But if you determine that you will keep the fight within limits, it can actually turn into some very good communication and become a relationship-strengthener rather than a destroyer.
So fight fair. Stick to the subject. Don't drag in past fights or history. Don't put words in the other's mouth, repeat back what he or she just said so that you know you understand the point he or she is trying to make. Don't say "you make me feel...." or "you always do.....". Instead, say "I feel ..... when .... happens." or "I have some trouble understanding why .......". Don't shout or make ANY physically threatening gestures. Do NOT stomp out of the room after you are done speaking. Both deserve equal time and equal hearings. Recognize that you might not be interpreting things accurately, and vice versa. No use of the words "always", "never", "hate", "worst". Do not name-call at all. NO physical intimidation of any kind is permitted, on either side.
Most importantly, work from the standpoing of love, as in "I love him/her, I just don't understand why ..... is happening" rather than from the standpoint of "OMG! WTF? Why is he/she being such a [bleep][bleepety][bleep][bleep]?" Take a deep breath, relax, open body posture if you can manage it and LISTEN, really LISTEN. Don't expect to be happy about everything you hear but you will come to understand each other better.
I have some more I want to discuss about your idea of boundaries, but that will wait until you follow up. Thanks.
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A
female
reader, glitterbug +, writes (18 February 2009):
don't be over protective m8, its not worth it in the end. hold a bird in your hand and it will stay coz it knows it has a choice, squeeze it and it will want to escape. good luck m8 in whatever you decide to do x x
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A
female
reader, loving arms +, writes (18 February 2009):
I can understand you being annoyed when your girlfriend seems worried about her exs feelings more than yours. Maybe you need to work on your possesiveness, not for her but, for yourself and future relationships. To be truely in love is to love someone for the independent person they are not because of how they conform to suit your mood.
Good luck working on this aspect of your personality
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