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female
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*mm
writes: I have a coworker (coworker 1)on my team that always seems to get very close with one other person and then becomes exclusive with others. I used to work with her years ago but on separate teams and saw similar behavior. I am trying to avoid that happening with coworker 2 on my team. I feel overwhelmed at work at times so haven’t always been ableTo eat out for lunch. We also sometimes work at different locations so unless it is planned it would be hard to do. Now that coworker 1 is here I don’t want this to happen again but already see as it is and it is making me very angry.I went to coworker 1 to ask what time she was headed over to the meeting and basically like let’s go together (there is a work bus that will take you different spots) She tells me she will be headed to this office first. So I said ok we will meet right before it gets here. Stupid me goes and actually texts her later if she needed anything as I was getting tea and she said no thanks. A few minutes later I see them both come out of the office building together..and I had to say hi like I am not noticing what is going on.I even asked coworker 2 what did she have for lunch and she said quietly she ate before she came here which I had a feeling was a lie. And it turns out it was. She ate near that office location with coworker 1. So coworker 1 knew she was going to be meeting her and didn’t bother trying to have me included. I was so angry and now I am caught in this place of still trying be friends with coworker 2 even though she is showing flaky behavior.. I am ready to start ignoring them both at this point but that is what coworker 1 wants and would be perfectly happy about that. I am tired of caddy women drama. At the end of the day I am so glad I have my husband to go home to.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 August 2019):
 If you are tired of catty woman drama at work, do not join partecipate in it, do not indulge in it, do not foster it.
As you say, luckily at the end of the day you close the door on everybody and go back home to a loving husband. "Drama " at work may only affect you as much as you decide to let it affect you. You may also decide that, instead , this is a non-issue.
As you don't specially like all the persons you meet, so not all the persons you meet will specially and particularly like YOU. Maybe it's a bit galling when you think that between you and X person there's a meeting of the minds- and X person does not think the same, but hey, it may happen, it's nobody's fault and in the greater scheme of things it 's a very very minor annoyance. Most people get thrown together at work because the trait they share is that… they all need to pay their bills , not because they have something special in common and they are likely to get along. I am not saying that you cannot make real friends at work too, same as in another place, just do not demand it and do not expect it. You are there to work, not to enlarge your social circle, so , as long as everybody is polite , everything is fine.
Plus, THB, I don't think you should take upon yourself the task to monitor how and why colleague 1 makes and maintains her friendships. Yes, maybe she is the possessive type of friend who ,when she latches onto someone she likes, she,consciously or not, will be unwilling to "share " her new friend and will try to keep Others away …. but then, if colleague 2 plays right into the hands of colleague 1 , and can't/ won't continue her friendship with you to please colleague 1 , this means that : 1) colleague 2 was not such a good friend to begin with and / or 2 ) colleague 2 is an immature , spineless wuss and who needs a type like that as a friend ?
Not to mention, that's all a matter of personal perception. You made a big deal of not having called to join at colleague 1 first stop ( or lunch ; I am a bit confused about the logistics ) but it's not like you had a set date or a firm committment for some official function.Your arrangement sound pretty fluid to me, and probably to her too, … and after all you asked her, and not viceversa ,- so if you wanted something more "official " , why didn't you openly ASK, instead of hinting / implying / suggesting ?. Plus, suppose that colleague 1 actually wanted to have lunch alone with colleague 2 - for once ( it does not seem like it's a habit, so far ): why is that wrong ? Why every work lunch must include a cast of thousands ? Maybe 1 had something personal to share with 2 only and not with 3rd parties. Maybe ! had a migraine, or just was in not in the mood for a lot of company. Maybe they just did not think that you cared be involved and/or they assumed you had your own plans. Their wish to have lunch by themselves should not be seen necessarily as a malicious conspiracy against you. As for colleague 2's lie, yes, that's annoying , nobody likes to be lied to… but frankly I can see her ( 2's ) point of view, if you kick up so much dust just because they omitted ( willingly or by mistake ) to call you for lunch- maybe she wanted to avoid the big fuss she suspected you'd make- and I can't totally blame her.
Live and let live. You've got other friends outside work, hopefully, and you've got your own family and husband. You don't need to be Miss Popularity too !
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2019): The workplace is not meant to be a place to socialize, nor is productivity helped by drama! If you aspire to be promotable into managerial positions, come to work, do your job and do it well, and strive to be respected by your managers and coworkers! Popularity may be nice, but your coworkers do not hire, fire, or pay your salary or wages. Be a hard worker, be productive for the company, and let your work ethic speak for itself. Even if you get teased for being a company girl, accept it good naturedly, knowing that only the company pays and/or promote people. The wisest employee comes to work to do, just that, WORK! Also, when you are promoted into management, you cannot be just one of the gang. You never want to be in the position of having to choose who to be most loyal to: friends vs the company! It is a given that your loyalty should be to the company! Only a fool would bite the hand that feeds them! To avoid workplace childish drama, rise above it all, and keep on cherishing your loving husband!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2019): Typo corrections:
"If you're tired of catty-woman drama, stop trying to make friends with people who don't want to be friends."
"Your complaint is very common, yet easily resolved."
"You have to polish your own social-skills..."
"That's often a sign of leadership-potential."
P.S.
It's unnecessary drama.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2019): If you;re tired of catty-woman drama, stop trying to make friends with people who don't want to be friends.
You're taking it all personally; thereby making your work-experience uncomfortable. That will adversely-effect your job-performance; and your ability to earn raises, or consideration for promotion. Try simply being professional, cordial, and polite. You're not on the playground in elementary school; and those women don't want to be your friend.
Worrying about "acceptance" will distract you, and the quality of your work will suffer. In the real-world, sometimes people don't like you without a reason. That's the breaks. You're an adult; so you have to deal with it.
In these days and times, people are bungling about etiquette, clueless about social-protocols, and have no interest in inclusiveness. They are cliquish, snobbish, and often quite rude. It's a tell-tale sign of the kind of management you have, and the kind of business you are working for. Nobody cares about the workers, how they get along, or their work-environment. You're drones. Do your job and get-out! You complaint is very common, yet easily resolved. You don't own the company, you just work there.
You have to polish your own social-skill; so you'll be able to navigate through the often childish and unprofessional work-force. That's often as sign of leadership-potential. Your management is partially is at-fault, for not promoting team comradeship, proper work-ethics, and professionalism between workers. That's why people in the workforce often suffer high-anxiety and anguish after a long workday.
Working next to idiots and crackpots who still think they're in high school; or grown-women forming "mean-girl" packs that are contemptible and rash. Creating a hostile work-environment, and thereby creating low-morale among co-workers. That results in high turnover. A clear indication of untrained or poorly-trained management, and top-level executives who don't give a damn.
If I were you, I'd work my tail off to become their supervisor. I'd out-shine them at every turn; and my focus would be on being the best employee. Not Miss Congeniality or winner of a popularity contest. It's best when you separate your personal-life from your professional-life. Then your sensitivities stay in-check. Regardless, you know that courtesy is always in order; but you can leave those inane personalities behind at the end of the work-day.
It may be lonely at times, but when you're busy time flies; and you rarely notice the foolishness around you. Take a walk at lunchtime or read. If you have too much idle-time to worry about your co-workers; ask the supervisor for some extra things to do, or help someone out you notice needing some assistance or mentoring. You'll make an ally, and you'll shine when performance-review time comes.
You can't control how people behave, who they choose to be with, or whether they like you. You can only control yourself; and make the best of your situation by concentrating on your job. Acknowledge those who ARE nice to you! If you really don't like it there; then you look for another place to work.
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