A
female
age
36-40,
*ummy85
writes:I’ve been seeing a lovely man for nearly 4 months now. We met online and arranged a date a few days later and it’s been amazing ever since. He has his own home and 3 children (2 boys 11yr and 13yrs and a 5yr old girl) from a previous relationship who he sees some week nights and alternate weekends and I have my own home and 2 children (girl 5yr boy 16months) whom I have alternative weekends too. Thankfully our weekends are in line so we can spend time together.He is an absolute gentleman and I’ve never had a man treat me like this before. We have been on a weekend trip away and we spend nights at each other’s houses when our children are away. He calls me throughout the day just to check in and see how I’m doing. He cooks for me. He came over when I was ill just to look after me. We have met each other’s children as just ‘friends’. I have no doubt in my mind that we are both falling in love with each other and won’t be long before one of us confesses it.My question is that although we have had the chat about being exclusive and we are both off online dating sites, only dating each other and not having sex with anyone else he doesn’t want to call me his girlfriend yet. I’ve had this conversation with him a few times and basically told him I’m not going to hang about doing everything a girlfriend does without the label. He says it’s because he made a promise to his children that although he would date girls he wouldn’t rush into having a girlfriend for at least a year (he broke up with his ex at Christmas). I kind of said this was fine as long as he wasn’t referring to me as a friend to other people in his life like his friends which he says he doesn’t. I told him I don’t have sex with friends so it’s not acceptable to call me one. He says his friends know of me but I haven’t met any yet (the odd friend in his local pub I’ve been introduced to but not his best buddies). He has met all my friends and was keen to meet them all when I suggested it. So should I just carry on as things are or should I keep questioning this? Also he doesn’t seem to be in a rush for me to meet his best mates. He has had a few birthday parties to attend lately and I could have gone with him but he said he wanted to go alone and enjoyed being with his friends without having to worry about me. He said his ex never went out with him as she never wanted to and she lacked confidence so he always had to worry about if she was ok so part of me feels like his just used to that. But I’m not like that, I’m very outgoing and would talk to anyone if he left me in a room with his mates. I have told him this too. Is it too soon to push this more? Also I’d like to one day think that things will develop into us moving in together otherwise what’s the point. I’m not expecting this to happen soon but is it ok to ask him if he sees that in the future without scaring him off? - So is it weird that he can’t call me his girlfriend to people and just says ‘the girl I’m seeing’ and how long do I accept this before I move on?- Do I keep pushing to meet his friends?- Is it ok to ask if he sees us moving in together one day with all the kids? Thanks
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broke up, christmas, confidence, his ex, met online, move on Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (24 August 2019):
 Dont push for anything. See where he wants to take things himself and sooner rather than later, you'll get the picture. These things should be organic...simple and natural. When I first started dating my husband, he couldn't wait for me to meet his friends! He almost dragged me to lunch where he'd invited all of them just to meet me! It was an overwhelming feeling back then but what I'm trying to say is that if this guy thinks of you as his girlfriend and a future wife then he'll be showing it to you. You wouldn't have to ask for it.
Also, would you be comfortable having your 5 year old daughter staying with his teenage sons? How well do you even know this family? Do you think its fair on the kids?
Think like a parent, not a single girl. And be very careful what you get into for this very reason-children. They shouldnt have to bear the brunt of another failed relationship just because the parents rushed into it
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2019): Let me echo everything that Wise Owl wrote in answer to your questions! I was going to write the same thoughts, but I could not have stated them any better, or even as well as what he did. In fact, please reread what Wise Owl wrote! It is well worth the read. Blessings To You and Your Kids!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2019): Thus far, all I've read in your post is about how this man wants to conduct whatever it is you want to call what's going-on between you. For now, lets call it a romantic-connection pending commitment. You should take it slow and deliberately.
It seems only logical that you wouldn't start dating until you've got all your ducks in a row, and (depending on their ages) your kids should know what you're doing. Kids at 11 and 5 can be reasoned with. They have a level of understanding; but have to be taught how to adjust to changes after divorce, at a well-thought and reasonable pace.
He's getting way too many benefits for far too little give-back, if you ask me. You're not a secret, nor a friend, if you're being intimate. Lest you want to call the relationship "friends with benefits." He seems to be giving himself a lot of wiggle-room. I think you deserve more respect than that, no matter how wonderful he is perceived to be. If this was alright with you, you wouldn't be here at DC! Now would you?
Recently finalizing his divorce, I can fully understand how he is placing the psychological-well-being, feelings, and concerns of his children as a priority. As a co-parent, it is a given, that his ex-wife also has some say about this. However, somehow I think he is more concerned about the reactions and concerns of his ex-wife. After a divorce or breakup, for men, baby-mama drama is always a part of the equation. No matter how you slice it. You're involved with a divorcee with children; and what happens regarding a father after a divorce is considerably different from a divorced-mother, with some exceptions. Gender-specific rules may apply. They are not set in stone, but family and society will judge you by them.
The opinions of children in adult-affairs should be limited. They don't run your life, you run theirs. You have kids; so I'm preaching to the choir here. They have no authority over who you see, when, or what you want to call your relationship. Explain to me why you haven't met his friends or family after four months together...and sex?
That being said, there should be no different set of rules regarding his kids, than what you're setting for yours. You're both in this together, and there should be some equivalency, continuity, and a compromise going on here. He isn't turning-down sex for the sake of his kids, now is he? By the way, kids are not stupid. They know you're dating.
Sex should end for now. If he needs more time to determine when the relationship should become official, you should stop offering the full-benefit of intimacy; which gives him the open-ended option to call it a day; when sex becomes ordinary, and the novelty has worn-off. Sex is not a weapon, nor an enticement. It is the consummation of your relationship; and you have every right to withhold such an important gift, until you know there is something more serious between you. It's your body, your feelings, and your time! You've got kids, friends, and family too! Is he a secret to anybody in your life!
Time to sit-down. Lay-it-out for him where you're coming from; and where you're willing to compromise. Before you end-up with yet another kid; and he decides he'd like to move-on! That's how it usually ends-up. Read DC regularly, if you don't believe me. Apply some of your own rules, and set your own boundaries. Cooking and sex are not equal on any level, my dear. You should know his origins, and meet his friends and family. You have kids you must protect too!
As for moving-in together with all your kids? It may be old-fashioned, but kids shouldn't be pulled into that situation; until their parents are committed enough to each other to marry. If you don't love each other enough to marry, don't create some faux-marriage or facsimile where he can just pickup and leave in the middle of everything.
The kids will be confused and devastated. That is, if you're really concerned about how this will affect them. Stability and true-commitment between parents is the best thing you could ever give them. Some things in life may go out-of-style, or be considered old-fashioned; but that doesn't mean they're not right. You should want your sons and daughters to know what true-commit is. That marriage can work, when two people love each other; and really work at it, for everyone's sake. For yourselves, and your sweet kids!
High-tech modern-society doesn't seem to seek true faithfulness, harmony, kindness, and commitment. Just something for now! Whatever is convenient, feels good, self-gratifying, requires little effort, and an easy-escape from extended-responsibility. If you believe in these convictions, than stand-up for them. You don't know him until you know his family and his friends; and they know YOU!
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