A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid, I've been wirth my boyfriend for about 2 yrs now, we live together and are very committed to each other and growing our life together. 2 nights ago we were watching a movie and there were preganant women and kids it. I'm in my early 30s and hes in his late 20's. I ended up saying to my boyfriend "were gonna have a baby right" all excited and what not, and he ended up saying " I'm putting to much pressure on him", that we agreed to talk about this in 2 years. I was honestly excited about the idea not meaning I wanted a baby now. I got so angry and replied "I dont want your sperm anyways" ( something along those lines) well It's been two days and he has not spoken to me. We talked about not wasting time when we have disagreements but he did care one bit. Im tired of being the bigger person. It hurts. Not sure what to do.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 January 2019):
 I have to agree, I don't see you as a person who is "being the bigger person" you basically kicking him verbally in the balls when he didn't give you an answer you liked. How is THAT being a bigger person?
As for kids? I'm with YouWish. If he after 2 YEARS of dating you can not have a conversation about having (or not having) kids without the drama of "I'm feeling pressured" and avoidance, then he probably (most likely) doesn't WANT kids at all with you. him giving you the "silent treatment" is him "turtleling up" hoping he won't have to SPELL it out for you that he doesn't WANT kids with you.
You both could use some time spend on HOW to handle disagreements and HOW to talk about "difficult subject". Because the whole - "I'm feeling pressured" from him and you hurling emasculating insults will get you nowhere.
I agree that he is neither father nor husband material. For you. Maybe in 10 year with someone younger than himself.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 January 2019):
 I'm with Janniepeg on this one. You have crossed the 30 year old threshold, and in this issue, your age difference (the fact that you're older than he is) is working against you. The older you get, the more difficult it will be for you to conceive, AND the higher the likelihood will be that your child could have defects like autism or Down's syndrome. He is in his late 20's, and he can conceive even into his 50's and higher, though even his sperm quality decreases after he's hit 40.
If you've been together for 2 years, and he's considering having kids to be "pressure", AND you're not even married or engaged and aren't talking about it, then this isn't the guy for you. He is not wanting to marry or have kids with you, and he's not sure about you anyways.
As for your comments, yeah, what you said was hurtful just to be hurtful, which doesn't make you "the bigger person". There *IS* no bigger person in this argument, and neither of you are in the right OR in the wrong. He has the right not to desire kids, and you have the right to desire them.
Here's the thing though -- this exchange is showing you that he's not going to want them, and you no longer have the time to screw around and wait 2 years to decide. Sure, if you leave him, you could find another guy and it'll most likely be in 2 years anyways, but the difference is is that you'll be with a guy who has that on his agenda, so the hesitation won't be there, just the timing of the relationship and the things needed to make it happen (like getting married, or buying a house, or the getting of a better job, etc.)
You may need to find a guy older than you are (by about 3-5 years) who has sown their wild oats, who is established in his career, who isn't drinking or partying or doing drugs, and most of all, who is in the right frame of mind for starting their own family, so he has the same goal as you.
But the guy you're with? He is NOT that guy! You won't have kids if you remain with him. You won't get married.
In fact, once you realize this fact, you'll be in your LATE 30's, barely any fertility left, your looks having hit the wall of time, and for what?? Because he's put you in limbo?? Not good.
It would be different if he were to be WORKING towards having a family and kids, so you had a timeline of when things were to happen AND it was coming to pass, as in he graduates for his master's in 2 years, or you both are saving up for your first house and it'll take 2 years, or he's a soldier with 2 years deployment left and doesn't want to have a kid and deploy out. In those cases, the decision's been made.
However, TWO YEARS to agree to TALK about it (having been together for a total of FOUR years) in effect deciding *IF* he wants kids or not, that cannot fly. He's stringing you along, and you already know that he doesn't want kids. Don't waste any more time.
Every day you stay with your boyfriend takes you one step closer to never being a mother. It's inevitable. The ONE thing YOU can do to achieve your goal of being a mother is to find a guy with whom having children is as important of a life goal for him than it is for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2019): I think you should be thinking of marriage first before thinking of having a baby and to be honest I think he is not ready for marriage either. He still has some maturing to do. He is younger than you he is not ready to settle down and take the responsibility of raising kids whereas you are at the prime age of readiness to have babies. Ask him you want marriage and see what his reaction would be?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (12 January 2019):
 I have to ask, why ARE you trying to get him to talk about having a child if you HAVE agreed to wait 2 years before discussing it further? Is this the only time you have done this or do you make a habit of it? I do have to wonder what HIS side of the story would be if he were here.
From your post it sounds like NEITHER of you are good at handling conflict. YOU over-react in a childish manner befitting a young teenager while HE sulks like another teenager. Is this the sort of atmosphere you think is suitable for raising a child? What is that child going to learn about handling conflict and about relationships from you and your partner? Nothing good, that's for sure. Perhaps you BOTH need to seek professional help to discover how to handle a mature relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2019): I agree with code warrior about “bigger person” part. I don’t think he said/did anything wrong. He was just telling you how he feels. Then you insulted him. If that’s what happened then I DO think that in this case you have to be the bigger person and start talking to him first, apologize. I also agree with Jeanniepeg though, for long term consideration. I don’t know what age is appropriate for men to feel ready (I actually think he is young but that’s just me, I’m a late bloomer, but that’s my point) everyone is different and matures differently. Just focus on the fact that he’s not ready. Are you ok with that? If you do want to have children, sit yourself down and figure out YOUR ideal timeline. Find out how he feels about it and what HIS ideal timeline is. If there is no compromise you might have to find someone more compatible with your timeline. But above all else be happy with your choice and don’t waste time.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 January 2019):
 If you were ten years younger, then I could defend his response but at his age he's still not ready to be a father? He could have his own personal reasons but I have to wonder if he wanted kids at all. He certainly shouldn't be wasting time because your biological clock is ticking. You did not have a disagreement. His silence is telling you he did not know what the future is, because you really want kids and he doesn't. The only "agreement" he had at the beginning about kids is so that the relationship could continue up to this stage, the living together stage. I don't know if his sperm quality is good, but I certainly won't be making a baby with someone who cannot show any enthusiasm. I wasn't there with you when he said he felt pressured. We are humans and we all feel pressure at times. It's what we do with the feelings of pressure that matters. Do we use it as fuel to get motivated? Do we run away? For that two days' silence? That says a lot.
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