A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I am feeling a bit neglected. I am the one who does all the romantic things in our relationship like flowers and planning nights out. I planned our last anniversary and even was the one who proposed. ( I had to go and pick up my own ring after I gave one)I don't mind doing these things but it was just valentines day and I didn't even get a card! He said he would plan dinner but then he never rang any restaurants so we just stayed home. When I have said how it disappointed me when he is never thoughtful he just says he was busy and didn't have time. I am also the only one who will make romantic moves such as lighting candles in the bedroom, massages etc to try and get him in the mood for sex. He doesn't want to have sex much so never ever makes a move on me. I have been getting really down about these things and when I said today that I need some attention and to be romanced sometimes he got really mad and says I am being unreasonable. What can I do as I am sick of being the only one who is 'romantic' or thoughtful. Also if you are so busy at work that you cant even buy a card/ flowers/ ring me or book a restaurant, how can you have enough time to go to the gym and play sports?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): I'm afraid that my situation is opposite, my husband keeps showering me with gifts and attention, but because I actually want to divorce him (he refuses to accept that instead he's trying to win me back but it's too late and no amount of gift-giving of 'romantic' gestures will change that) I find his attention and gift-giving annoying and clingy.
I'm just telling my story to ask you if there is a chance your guy feels similar in not really wanting to be with you any more and you need to open your eyes and see this, rather than knocking yourself out trying to get him interested in you even though he really isn't?
A
male
reader, v3ng3  +, writes (16 February 2011):
I am sorry for being blunt about this but...
You should think about leaving him, he does not seem to appreciate who you are at all.
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A
male
reader, ironman777  +, writes (16 February 2011):
you need to decide if your need for romance in the relationship is a deal breaker. There is no way you will change this man's view on it going forward even if you roll model it all the time. You are hoping he will reciprocate but he never will I'm afraid.
Decide whats important to you and make a call. Do you want to spend the rest of your life not be surprised, not getting little notes saying how much they love you, little gifts or I'm thinking of you txts then stay with this man, otherwise move on.....
You sound like you deserve better
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (16 February 2011):
I hate to say it, but some possibilities:
1. He's just not into you. Are you married? if so, maybe he doesn't actually want to be with you but feels trapped because marriage is legally binding forever (or supposed to be at least) which is why he's still there in person but has no interest and makes no effort.
2. he's cheating on you - if he's not interested in you or even in having sex, is he getting attention and sex elsewhere?
3. He's really inconsiderate. You have made your needs and requests known, so it's not like you're expecting him to read your mind. Yet he still doesn't make even the slightest effort. Do you really want to be with someone who's so inconsiderate? Even if he wasn't in the mood, he should still at least get a gift for valentines day or your anniversary because cultural norms dictate that it's wrong not to do so.
4. Maybe he's really lazy and feels why should he make any efforts since you're already doing all of that anyway? This is disrespectful though.
I think you should stop making all the efforts since you're not getting anything in return. Maybe if you stop showering attention on him and the relationship, he might start to miss some of that and start to make some efforts on his own. (And if he still doesn't, then I think that shows that you're the only one who wants this relationship, and you might want to consider if you still want to be in this relationship when he doesn't...)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): I am sorry to hear your problems. I really do hope this works out for the better for you!
My advice would be to:
1. Leave him, although the engagement could tangle matters here, you YOU deserve to be treated like you treat him.
2. Discuss this in a controlled environment with either a sex coach or a relationship psychologist.
3. Leave off on the romance, you may feel as though it's slipping away if this happens, but he will regret not returning the favours that you give, and in most cases men get the message VERY quickly when their woman starts to give them a slightly cold shoulder.
I really hope this helps, and I hope your relationship gets back on track.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (15 February 2011):
 I am so sorry that you didn't get the Hallmark card definition of a Valentine's Day. What was he so busy with that he can't take half an hour at most to go pick out a card, call a few restaurants and buy some flowers? He sounds lazy. A man should show is affections to his fiance, it doesn't have to be anything huge like a diamond bracelet, but lighting some candles or giving you a massage is a given.
If he can't manage to show you his affection for you, then perhaps it's time to reconsider moving on to a boyfriend who can and will show you how much you mean to him.
It doesn't sound like your fiance is in touch with his own feelings enough to be considerate of yours. Talk to him again and if he can't discuss this with you like an adult, then move on and find someone who will.
Good luck to you and you deserve a lot more than this guy is giving.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (15 February 2011):
The second question has to be answered by your boyfriend. The first one "What can I do as I am sick of being the only one who is 'romantic' or thoughtful", well.
You can stop doing that. If he doesn't change and you are not satisfied with that, date someone else. You are mad at him, already.
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