A
male
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anonymous
writes:HiHavent done this before so hope Im doing it right!I have a girl been seeing for almost a year right.Nice lass and good fun.One thing. We like to go out a bit. When we are out as a couple we meet other couples and this is fine. Good chat and all. But when we meet single people its not so good. Its never my mates but people we dont know.Ever time we meet a good looking bloke its almost always an Aussie or a American guy she starts grinning at them like a Cheshire cat. Now when I was single if a bird was grinning at me like that whether she had a bloke with her or not I would think Im in here even if I did nothing about it. Dont want to be messing with another blokes girl after all.I have said this to her in a nice way. Dont want to be fighting over a night out. But she still does it. Now she says she doesnt know shes at it at all but one of her mates told her that when she talks to blokes she gives them the wrong idea.Now thats all well and good but why is it never a bloke with a girlfriend or a single bloke who aint so good looking.Happened again the other night. Went out. Not even drinking. Met a group of people. American bloke in the middle. She latches onto him. Now this bloke it thick as a plank but a looker. Shes laughing with him while most of the rest of us are laughing at him you know what I mean? All night. I go to the bar and come back the two of them are thick as thieves.So I say it to her when we are back at the flat and she says she didnt even like him, thought he was thick and liked this other guy who said next to nothing all night! Says he was witty and that. I says that aint the way it looked to me or him and she says Oh here we go again sort of thing thats shes just being nice. Dunno, I like her but Im not going to let her make me look like a fool.So Im thinking I ask her to move out of my flat for some space to think. My mate says just pack her bags and give her the heave ho. Was so p*ssed off the other night I nearly did but thought Id wait to calm down before I did anthing.What do you think?
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (9 May 2007):
 You know the worlds turned crazy when everyone seems to think that you have a problem with yourself in a situation like this! You see, I wouldnt even give the time of day to her if she blatantly flirts in front of me. But why should I bite my tongue and get on with it when she can do what she wants? And you're absolutely right, its all about respect, and in your case, she has very little for you! Flirt as much as she wants, but do it when you arent around, thats your idealogy, and I fully agree with that. In fact, you seem to be an absolutely laid back sorta guy, most guys would've just lose their marbles in situations like this. And I dare say most women would too if they're boyfriends flirted in front of them!
Thing is, you've tried every approach you couldve, you've talked to her, you've smiled about it and pretended that nothing was wrong, youve tried to make yourself feel better by putting the other guy down, and did that change her habits? Nah, she still hungry for male attention.
Personally, I think its weird for someone to openly accept the fact that his/her partner is a flirt, if anything, the flirt has got to be the one who changes, not the other way round!! If you ask me, I think packing her bags is more than a good idea, that'll make her realise that she can't just have everything she so desires. She'd be very lucky to get another guy who'd put up with her flirting, and if he does, then all I can say is, poor soul. Mate, do what you feel is right, but just make sure you'd be able to grit your teeth everytime you guys meet a random looker if you choose to stay on. But having said that, maybe you should consider giving her a very very very last ultimatum, and if she still does it, well, hail her a taxi! Good luck.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (9 May 2007):
 How you talk about this with her matters.
Don't tell her she's doing anything wrong. Don't accuse her of anything. Don't make it about her at all.
Rather, tell her that what she's doing upsets you. Tell her how it makes you feel. Stick to talking about yourself and your feelings only.
This way you're least likely to argue about it or trigger a defensive reaction from her.
Sleepyhollow could be right too. Whilst what she's doing isn't really ok, you should be open to the idea that your reaction has been out of proportion.
If she cares about you, then when she knows clearly how it makes you feel she'll tone it down. If she doesn't then she doesn't care about you that deeply. If that's the case you have to decide what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hear what youre saying mate....yeah I might have trust issues but why not...Im out with my mates I do a bit of flirting...Ive said it to her..why not do it when I aint there....she knows it bothers me..if I do it when shes about I know all about it...I aint asking her not to be human yeah...just a bit of respect on this issue...
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A
male
reader, forgonepath  +, writes (9 May 2007):
My friend had the same problem. He told her to her face that it is simply "unethical" what she does. If she's with him, she needs to stop flirting with other guys. She didn't pay any attention to him. A week later he broke up with her and told her he's not going to deal with it anymore. After they both had time to think and be distant from each other, she realized she wanted him back. Now they're back together and she doesn't flirt anymore with other guys. So maybe you should try staying aloof and taking a break.
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male
reader, maxsteel86  +, writes (8 May 2007):
 Hmmm this is probably the sort of thing you wanna take care of BEFORE moving in together... but kicking her out (even temporarily) will only fan the flames. Only kick her out if you decide for yourself that this isn't something you can handle and if you're convinced that her behaviour isn't going to change. Gotta remind you though, kicking her out will most likely not solve this problem.
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reader, sleepyhollow  +, writes (8 May 2007):
Sounds like you have trust issues, and they may be unwarranted trust issues at that.
But given that you have trust issues, it may be that you and she are not compatible personality types, and that both of you would be happier if you weren't together anymore.
However, if you want to make things work, the two of you are going to have to sit down and be honest with one another. You need to flat out tell her that you know you have trust issues and jealousy issues. And in return, she has to tell you why she thinks doing what she does is fun and okay.
But you also have to keep in mind that so far you haven't mentioned that you think she's cheated on you, which means you could be throwing away a perfectly good relationship for irrational fears and self-inadequacy. Just because she likes to talk to single guys doesn't mean much. It could be that she feels safer talking to single guys than guys with girls because then she doesn't have the girls thinking she's trying to steal their man.
(And if she flirts or talks to a single guy and then goes home with you every single time, then it doesn't matter what the single guy may think, because he ain't getting any, and you are. And when it comes down to it, if you continue to treat her suspiciously, you may end up pushing her into the arms of one of those men.)
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