A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,Please help. I have a dillema. Thanks. I recently got out of a really nasty abusive relastionship ( around 6 months ago) which is good news. A few weeks ago, I ment a fantastic guy who is the complete opposite of my ex. Caring, nice , attentive, nice job, thoughtful, intelligent etc. Anyway, he has two adopted kids from his ex wife. He has joint custody of them. Not a problem. I am getting on in age, and do not have much time to have kids should I want any. He on the other hand does not want any more kids because of A) he has a genetic condition- cysts on his kidneys, and has a check up every six months. It can be passed on ,and also because of his age- 42 he does not want a new baby, plus the fact he already has kids. he can actually have kids though. it was the ex wife who could not - thats why they adopted. I on the other hand would like the option to have a child which is off the cards with him. I really like him, and he has alot to offer. I do not want to give up on him and appreciate his honesty, but at the same time, I do not want to fall for him, waste my time and then regret it in a year or so when I might want kids, or it does not work out for whatever reason. I would hate to feel like that, but I have not met anyone I like for a long time. and he has great qualities. Also, I am not just picking up on the nearest guy because of my past nasty relationship, as enough time has passed and I feel ready to settle down and live a well deserved safe life with someone, and that someone seems like this new man. Please advise. I'm really stuck, re: kids etc and future. It's not the end of the world if I do not have kids, but the decsision has not been put upon me very suddenly as this guy is serious about his intentions with me and I don't know what to do to help myself and I have to think of my future, but at the same time I want to be happy and i might not meet anyone like him for along long time again. Thank you . xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk guy and girls. I've done it. I told him I need to keep my options open so no point in pursuing it ( and 'all the best'and that kind of stuff). Great!! Onwards and upwards. Thank you. :-) xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all. Thank you so much for your clear answers. It's helped me make my mind up. I am not going to pursue it any further. Wise owl. You are right. There is no room for compromise with something like this. Abella and mystiquek..true. I want no regrets. Am so glad I came on this site and asked. I was confused. So..I 'm going to let him know asap that that's it and move on on. Thank you all. :-) xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2015): Here's my take. You can't compromise on having children. Either you want to, or you don't. If a guy says he doesn't want children; then put a check mark on your list of deal-breakers. You want that choice left open to you.
So keep it open.
There are things you sacrifice and there are things you compromise. You don't sacrifice to regret, you sacrifice in order to make something better.
It's at this point you should decide if you're going to allow your feelings for this guy to grow any stronger. He put up a road-block. Making a decision that he doesn't want anymore kids; then gave you a list of reasons why. He sited his age, dismissing yours, and re-established the fact that he already has two kids that he and his ex-wife adopted. He is adamant about not having kids. Well, he got to fulfill his desire/option to be a parent. Are you not entitled to make that decision for yourself?
Keep your option open by finding a mate with the same point of view. Don't rule-out adoption, or seeking a sperm-donor and being a single-parent. You want to be a mother. It's not negotiable. You shouldn't deny yourself something you really want so badly; you've written this site to convince yourself you shouldn't compromise. Once you hit menopause; adoption is the only option. He may not even workout.
Well, he was honest. So he's not as wonderful and right for you as you claim. You want a husband, to be a mother, and to grow old as a family. He shouldn't have the last word on that. It's your choice anyway. Not his. He can be replaced.
He's a teardrop in an ocean of men. You can have it all!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (5 March 2015):
 Many women at your age begin to have feelings of "nesting"..settling down, having a baby. Its very natural. The biological clock starts ticking and well...it can make women feel nervous and as every year goes by, possibly even desperate. Think things over very carefully because time sadly isn't on your side. Yes women can have babies into their late 40's, even 50's but it does create more problems for both woman and child.
Listen to this man. If he says he doesn't want more children..believe him. Do not think he will change his mind. Men are usually very clear and firm about these kind of matters.
You might be ok right now with being with him and not having children, but who knows what you might feel like 2-5 years from now?
My daughter is going through a very similar experience right now and my heart hurts for you. She is going to be 34, was married for 13 years and they kept putting off having children. Then things went sour, they divorced. She met a new guy, nice man..divorced with 3 kids. He told her straight out that he didnt want any more children and that he had had a vasectomy. He also didn't want to marry. At the time she was ok with everything. They just broke up last week because her feelings had changed..she wants a child now and wants to marry and he flat out told her he wouldn't marry..So here she is at almost 34..starting over. I pray it works out for her.
Be very very certain of what you can live without. Of course adoption is always an option but don't waste precious time on "almost mr right"...
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 March 2015):
 I can see that you have really thought this through.
Children are a wonderful addition to a person's life.
And you yearn to have children. That need will continue to demand your attention.
Of course you could choose to get a pet like a dog or a cat to help you get through this yearning. But it's never going to be the same as your own child.
Believe him and listen to him and respect his views. It is unlikely that he will change his mind.
Your time clock is ticking and if you do really want children then the time is approaching where that choice will not be open to you anymore.
You can go to the Doctor and ask for a test that the doctor can perform which is to see how close you are getting to menopause. It will tell you if it is imminent or a long way off. Some women start menopause early and some start late and some find menopause passes quickly with little or no incidence of hot flushes while others find it a very distressing long drawn out interlude in a person's life.
http://www.webmd.com/menopause/tc/menopause-and-perimenopause-exams-and-tests
Do not attempt to win him around to your way of thinking. he will likely not appreciate your efforts to change his mind.
And even if you do start a relationship with him you do not want to be in a position in ten years time where he feels the relationship has run it's course. That would be tragic if you as at that point you would find it even harder to get pregnant then than now.
Both of you may be ready to settle down. But settling down for him does not encompass more children.
Try not to settle for a life of regrets
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