A
female
age
51-59,
*scarky
writes:I've been seeing this guy for over a year. The relationship has been rough because of his lies. Nevertheless, I stuck around because I have feelings for him.This man does have other women in his life. I decided not to be "active" with him, but remained loyal to the so called relationship. Recently, we broke up because he seen me in the car with a guy we're both acquainted with. The situation turned very ugly. Actually, it became physical between us. It's over he said he don't trust or love me anymore, so I took that as a pass to move on. I'm hurt of course I've done a lot for this man. I'm ready to unleash my sexy side to another dude, and now the jealous ex is texting me saying we need to talk. He also said he didn't want it to be over. I don't know what to do. It's evident he don't really want to be in this relationship,so why when I'm finally ready to leave or move on, he find a way to pull me back in? Especially when there's no future for us.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (6 March 2015):
What difference does it make if he wants to come back or leave? You should make your choice to leave based on your experiences and how you feel, not his.
You didn't understand his lies and double standards before so it should be no surprise that you do not understand why he wants to come back. The reason he wants to come back is simple, he thinks you are easy and will probably accept him back. He just enjoys being in control and having his way only.
Just because you both did a lot for each other, does not mean you both have to stay in the relationship with half a heart. There is no good out come for such a thing so don't do him any favors by being "loyal" to the relationship...the only person to suffer on this decision is you. Either you are with him or not. Don't waste another year, people come and go in the dating world, this is just how life is. The two of you are simply not compatible.
All the best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2015): He is the kind of man that can only EVER think in terms of what he needs and wants first and foremost and this kind of man can sometimes be utterly adorable and loving and charming and make you feel amazing BUT the bottom line is that they will always, no matter what, put their own needs first and then care for you after the event of caring for them first. This means that, in a relationship, they will alternate between being emotionally unavailable (whilst they go about putting their own egos, desires, greed and so on first - note that I hesitate to say 'needs' because what they go after rarely is a genuine need, usually just gratification) and then making you feel like you are intensely bonded to them and they adore you. The thing is, they only make you feel like the latter when it suits them to do so and when they haven't got anything else to do. They will rarely ever miss out on anything to be with you.
In your case, the guy involved was greedy and wanted to be with other women. With some men they just can't live without being overly-social with other people (be it men, women or whoever, it doesn't matter). Other men become alcoholics or develop a drug habit. Some men drive their partners nuts by becoming addicted to things like fishing, but for whole weekends or weeks on end. A lot of the time they can be so nice to you that it's difficult to see that they are actually putting their own needs first. If you call them out on it they will usually always point out to you what they do give to you - and it's not even always a matter of them trying to make you feel guilty, they are just so self centred that they cannot see what the problem is, and they feel they honestly are doing enough and giving you enough and you should be happy with that.
If you have been in a relationship with someone like this and then it ends it will very often be the case that it's because his greed and jealousy goes into overdrive. He might end it because he is just greedy for more from life - more women, more fishing, more beer, whatever, it doesn't really matter what it is. OR he will get so consumed with jealousy if he sees another man interested in you - and sometimes this can be a tiny bit of interest from another man - that his egotistical streak will kick in and he gets overly jealous and angry and dumps you. Again, the point is that it's not really anything you have said or done, it's all about him and his ego and his lack of tolerance because he has never seen you as his equal anyway, so he won't listen to reason and he's just not built to do so.
And sometimes they will try to get back with you for EXACTLY the same reason they ended it - their egotistical jealousy kicks in. They see you with another man and their ego is so very wounded that they have to get you back at all costs. Again, it's not really even about you or wanting you. It's about them feeling that some other man has got one over on them, that someone is taking their property or something that they previously felt entitled to and in control of. Some women fall for it when the man then does everything to win them back, especially if she feels he is finally showing his true feelings (because he's so often emotionally unavailable most of the time) and that he really did love her all along. She will weaken and go back to him and then the whole thing will start all over again.
With men like this they can be so convincing sometimes, that they do love you. But in fact they are totally in love with themselves. When they have you by their side they love themselves for having got you, not you for being there. You are a bit like the trophy wife, but without the title.
Really there's no mystery to it. There are countless men like this. The thing is that some men learn, over time and through experience, to at least seem more giving and more considerate. They learn to seem as if they are treating you like an equal, but then things will happen and you'll realise it really was all about them all along.
Right now this man just wants you back because he has had his ego bruised by another man showing interest. It's not about you. He doesn't love you. He is a narcissist and needs to feel that he CAN have you back if he wants to, that he has that power in him to do so.
Don't give in to him. Look for a man that treats you as his equal and who can think in terms of two people and work as a team. I don't mean some man falling all over himself to treat you like a goddess (though that would be nice sometimes!), I just mean someone considerate and who, over time, you realise is not bluffing and putting on a show of sensitivity and considerateness for you, but who is genuinely willing to give as well as take.
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