A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I'm having a kid soon, and I was wondering what the cons of adoption are. When I first discovered I was pregnant, I nearly had an abortion, but was convinced not to follow through by my mother and friends. Now that I mention adoption, I expected a little more support. The reason being I don't have the means to take care of the baby as best as I feel I should. I want the best for my baby, and I read that growing up with a struggling single mother or in a cohabiting family causes the baby's chances of leading a quality life slim. Yet, my mother, sisters, and boyfriend all think I'm wrong for considering adoption. Really, am I wrong for wanting someone in a better situation to give my child a better life? Am I just taking the easy way out if I do this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): Why have you written your future out as nothing but STRUGGLE and FAILURE, when you have yet to ACHIEVE what IS POSSIBLE with spirit and VISION.This is YOUR life and your childs life, you are thinking about your child obviously and this is good. But why write yourself off, when the world is your oyster (a child would not stop the world opening up for you) if you are strong and determined to achieve as much as you can).ConsiderTake offers of support from family if it is offered.If you can study, study.Home Study if you can not attend.Pick a profession guaranteed to bring a good income later.I am just putting a different perspective on your situation that there are other choices, I am not judging you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): I 100% respect your wish to give your child up for adoption. I recently read this article: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/advice/tips/birth-mothers-adoption-jessalynn-bills-speightand thought it was nicely done and shed some light on what adoption is really like.There are a lot of people out there who are dying to adopt (including my aunt and uncle, who have been trying for two years after they tried to conceive for almost 10!) and they would love the opportunity to raise a child.So, please do what you think will be best for you and your child.The decision is not easy (and adoption is NOT the easy way out). I hope you have some people in your life (non-judgmental relatives, or a counselor) that you can talk to.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 March 2014):
 It seems to me the problem is not with you, but with everyone around you. But their opinion on how you should live your life is actually not anywhere near as important as YOUR OWN opinion.
It's your life you're talking about here. But there are options that could make everyone happy, if you want to look into the alternatives. A girl I knew back when I was 14 got pregnant at 15. She had the baby, and gave it up for adoption. Someone in her family adopted the child, I think it was her aunt or an older sister. Could such a choice be for you and your family?
If that is not an option, then I fully support your decision to give the child up for adoption. But I would try to not involve the rest of the family too much in this, or else they will try to control you and make you do what they want. Keep them on the side line, this is about you and your life.
The child will be fine growing up with little and with a single mom who is young. Children get by, even with little. I grew up like that, and although I wouldn't want to bring children into such a situation myself, I know children do grow up in these situations and turn out just fine. Not dumber or weaker.
What I do worry about though is you. I worry you will not be fine having to raise a child you only kept out of pressure. It'll bring you joys I am sure, but lots of heartache and I fear in the end resentment towards your family for forcing this on you, when all you needed was support to make the difficult and hard decision it is to have an abortion, and now; an adoption. If they supported you in these choices, would you not have had an abortion? And now, if they supported you in an adoption, would you not choose it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): You're not wrong, you know what you want. It's good that you're thinking of the child. You know you can't struggle, and you know that if you go down, you don't want to bring your child down too. Is your bf the father?
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (26 March 2014):
 I don't know if adding a male voice to the chorus will help, but I commend you for thinking the way you are. Yes of course there are single mothers who do a great job. That doesn't mean it's the right choice for YOU. You seriously considered abortion, so you've thought from the get-go that raising a child isn't the best idea for you or for the child at this point in your life. Good for you for knowing your mind! Good for you for thinking about your child's welfare! There are couples lined up around the block desperate to adopt an infant and give it all their love and attention.
You asked about the cons associated with adoption. The one that comes to mind first is the longing some women experience years later. I don't know how it is in your state, but for a long time in many places adoption records were sealed so it was very difficult to find out how your child ended up doing. In most places that's a thing of the past, and you shouldn't have any trouble keeping up with the child's progress or even meeting him/her down the road.
The other is with dealing with your family and your boyfriend. Personally I think they're being 100% unreasonable trying to pressure you into doing something so important that you aren't prepared to do. But you're still going to have to find the strength to tell them to butt out.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 March 2014):
 You are so NOT wrong. I think you are very strong and brave and wise to know that a family that can afford to adopt (and has passed those background checks) is the BEST thing you can do for your child.
Since your family is not the one to be raising this child (and even if they say they are they will probably dump a lot of it on you and lay guilt on you) then it's NOT their choice as to how you proceed.
I commend you for being willing to consider adoption.
Since it's YOUR body, YOUR life and YOUR CHILD, you are the one who should make the decision NOT your family. Now your boyfriend if he is the father of the baby will have to sign off on the adoption as well... that may be an issue but only a lawyer or adoption agency can advise you on that.
I would contact the adoption agencies in your area NOW and find out what your options are (open adoption or closed adoption or some combo whereby the child can find you at a later date if they wish) and get your ducks in a row.
It's got to be hard to stand up to bullying family members when you are not hormonal but to do it while hormonal and pregnant.. KUDOS to you for being wise and brave and mature about this.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 March 2014):
 I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. And then have your family try and cram THEIR choice down YOUR throat.
They might be helping if you kept the baby, but that doesn't mean keeping the baby is the right thing for you.
You CHOSE to bring this pregnancy to term, BECAUSE they talked you out of an abortion (which I might add ins't an easy option either) There ARE NO easy options when it comes to pregnancy.
You need to figure out what YOU 100% think would be the best for YOU and YOUR child and the follow through. If that mean adoption, then you family can feel as they like, they may not like it one bit, but it IS NOT their life or child.
If you feel that adoption is the way YOU want to go talk to your midwife/find an adoption agency - even consider an open adoption.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (26 March 2014):
 No, you are not wrong and I think you are wonderful to consider what is best for your baby.
Everything you say is right, up to a point. Living in poverty is no fun and trying to raise a child alone is very difficult but not impossible and raising a child has its own rewards. Adopting your child has many positives for both you and the child, depending on your current circumstances.
I found myself single with two children and struggling financially, I cohabited with my new partner before we married and my children are happy, well adjusted and are getting amazing grades at school and have a bright future ahead of them.
Not everything a child needs costs money, they need love, discipline and consistency can you offer that?
I find it annoying that people consistently encourage young women not to terminate a pregnancy because of their own beliefs or wants. It's not their choice, their body or their future, it's yours.
So baby is now due, I think you need to do what YOU want now and what is right for you. Having this child will change your life forever
It's all fine and well for your family and friends to encourage you to keep your baby but when the novelty wears off who will be left alone doing night feeds, nappy changes, working, shopping, paying the bills and, literally, holding the baby?
I think you're already a great mother because you're putting the baby's needs and future first.
I would discuss your situation with your midwife or an adoption agency (soon). They can support you and help you through this decision making process.
It's a tough choice and you're right you DO need support, especially once the child is born, as much as you can plan for after a birth nothing can prepare you for the feelings you will develop for that new life.
These feelings must be discussed and explored so please speak to a professional.
There are open and closed adoption options whereby you can have contact with, or no contact with, your child. You need to be clear as to your reasons for choosing adoption and be sure the alternatives have been explored.
I admire your courage and wish you well AB x
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 March 2014):
 I don't think you are wrong , and I don't think you are taking the easy way out. In fact, I think the easy way out often is the one taken by so many young single mothers who are totally not prepared financially and psychologically to raise a child and do not even consider what would be in this child's best interest, but just go with the flow and have a child that they haven't wanted or sought to begin with, and then... God will provide somehow, right ? And babies " are so cute " ...and they'll give you something to brag about with your friends , and to feel more " advanced " than them..
So many young mothers think along these lines ( not all of them of course ! ) that I surely won't blame the one who bothers thinking what actually COULD be better to do in the specific situation, in the interest of the unborn child.
Plus, suppose it IS the easy way out. SO ? it's YOUR way out, your life, your future, YOUR choice. Not your mother's or your sister's. Think calmly , freely and independently what you want to do, and when you have decided, do it- with our without emotional support. Support is always nice and welcome, but at some moments in life, we need to be our own support system and stand by our choices regardless of what other people may say.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): I don't think you're wrong; you deserve support because giving up your baby for adoption isn't an easy thing to do and this isn't about the "easy way out" because there isn't one; it's about what's best for you and your baby. You could even need a bit of counselling, but it's very sensible and compassionate of you to care enough about your baby to understand that you don't have the means to give them what they deserve and want to give them to someone who can.You don't HAVE to choose adoption; you could raise this baby, but it means you'd probably have to put the rest of your life and goals on hold at least until the child is in school, if not until later.It's completely up to you because you need to feel ready to parent in all ways - maturity, responsibility, time, money, etc. Parenting is usually rewarding, but you can get a second chance at life (as can your baby) if you give him/her up for adoption, so you need to way it up.How much support are your family and boyfriend going to give you if you keep the baby?The bottom line is that, if you're not ready, you're not ready and I, personally, think adoption is a much better idea than spending a long time feeling forced/guilt-tripped into being a mother, rather than wanting to be one and being ready to be one right there and then, when you're still new to being an adult.
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