A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hmm... I don't even know where to start. My life has been all over the place since I've returned to school. I was living with my mother when I came back, for about 2 1/2 months until we got into an disagreement, which turned into an argument which then turned into a fight. See..the thing is my mother, brother and I all had moved out of a two bedroom basically to get away from my mother's former husband. No one really knows exactly what went down with that relationship all I know is that my step father was and will be the only father figure I've ever had from the age of 9 to now which is 21. My brother and step father got into it while I was in school which was another reason for moving. But I don't know the exact story on that but I can only tell you about the issues I am going through.Anyway as I came back from school during my sophomore year due to finacial issues which will be about 2 years I have done two internships, found a job and started my small upcoming business. My mother hasn't supported me in any of these decisions I've made, instead she would kind of put it in my face that I'm not in school, and I don't have a full time job, and that my internship isnt a real job!Instead of encouraging me, and supporting me with every SMART decision I was making she made me feel down. And as a result I would visit my boyfriend often, and most likely sleep over. She knew of my long term 5 yr relationship, but still didn't meet him yet at this time.When they did finally meet my mom wasn't so pleasant. I think she felt as if I could of done better. I have the image of more of a preppy, intelligent fashionable women, where my bf is quite the opposite. He has dreads, tattoos all over, and does tend to talk slang (which I completely hate). He has more of a rebellious soul which I'm loving more and more each day. Moving right along, she starting seeing less of me and I starting seeing less of her when she starting dating a "fake uncle" who was also her ex best friend's husband. I will admit I did encourage their relationship because I wanted my mother to be happy, but I didn't want to lose her in the mist of it. As their relationship started to get real deep and heavy her bf came around more often, and so did his kids. Those visits became sleepovers, and those sleepovers turned into loud moans my little brother would witness because he shares a wall with my mother, while I sleep on the couch.Just before her bf, there was a guy she was seeing who was her bf's younger brother. That fling was just a disaster, just image two alcoholics that are constantly together, and that was not a good image.Anyways my mother starting losing weight, eating less, and becoming a teenager when it came to her new relationship. Constantly asking of advice, which I gave to her. My mother did from time to time perceive me as a woman rather than her daughter - for example she still believes that I had an affair with her ex husband because she doesn't believe that our relationship is based on a father and daughter's love.Eventually she kicked me out the house, before the final strike her and I were into a physical fight from before. This all happened because my brother and I had an intervention with her, about her irresponsible ways and instead of taking all of the information were giving her she wanted to watch tv instead. I told her I was going to sleep over my bf's house to cool down. As I walked about to chased me down to clean up a mess that I refused to clean and on my way trying to exit that it when things got physical.And a week after that incident my mother took all of my belongings and locked it into her room while I was at work. I cam home that night getting ready to set my clothes for the next morning of work when I realized my stuff was gone.Of course I talked to my mother about it, and instead she yells at me for not giving her the weekly pay we've agreed to. I told her I had to pay school bills, and she yells stating that its not an excuse. (its $50 a week I would give her). She leaves and slams her door. I decided to take a walk around 2 in the morning to clear my head hoping when I get back in I'd find a different approach. It was actually the complete opposite my mother opens her doors and yells at me for disappearing. Now here's where I actually black out, I remember being tossed to the ground...and I was kicking and screamin "get the f-ck off me". She got on top of me and kept pounding my face- luckily I had blocked my face. I just kept hoping it wasn't bruised because I had work in a few hours.As I dosed off I watch her bf watch me get pounded down by my mother. He's half naked laying on the bed.6 months later I'm here, living with my boyfriend- My bday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years has passed. I then decided to contact my mother hoping we can squash the beef, but shes in denial of ever kicking me out. In a sense everything is my fault.Everyone sees a change in her. Something is wrong with her mentally. I honestly am not asking for advice with getting contact with my mother. But I want to fully put this behind me. And I wanna know where to start.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys. I really appreciate it. It's always good to hear positive feedback. It always keeps me going..
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (26 March 2014):
 I think the best way to start is to understand that the fault here is your mother's, not yours. It doesn't appear that you in any way acted out or brought this on yourself. On the contrary, it sounds like she is in sincere need of professional mental help.
Based on what you've posted the "rent" she was making you pay is honestly the LEAST of your worries. Some parents expect that if their children continue to live in the parental home after reaching adulthood, they will contribute in some way to household expenses - be it rent, food, whatever. That part is normal.
The rest isn't normal, and the fault is your mother's, not yours. Physical abuse is not okay. Throwing you on the ground is not okay; hitting you is not okay, and you ABSOLUTELY did the right thing in getting yourself out of that situation.
To be honest she sounds like an emotional abuser as well - criticizing everything you do, accusing you of sleeping with her ex-husband, locking up your belongings while you were away? These are red flags of emotional abuse to me because they're ways in which she was trying to hurt your self-esteem and your independence without ever having to lay a hand on you. Emotional abusers like to feel important and to be in control, so they try to cultivate dependence in those close to them. Your mother systematically disapproved of your education, your business, your boyfriend, and your possessions because they were all things that took you out of her control and gave you the freedom to do things on your own.
From the sound of things, you have been brave enough to get yourself out of a very toxic situation. Be proud of that. I am sorry to say that unless your mother seeks help, and receives it, she may never understand the wrong she has done you to the point that she gives you the apology you deserve.
It sounds like you have your life on track and that you are not the only person in your family who recognizes that your mother has changed for the worse and needs help. Move forward from this by staying focused on what you are trying to achieve in life and by reaching out to your brother and other family members who understand what you have gone through with your mother for emotional support if you need it. If your mother brings only negativity to your life, then for the time being you are better off without her in it, difficult though this may be to accept. You don't owe her any kindness, any allegiance, or even any contact if she lashes out at you every chance she gets.
Good luck and best wishes moving forward with your life!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): What a dreadful mother you seem to have! I'm sorry, but what kind of a mother makes her own daughter pay her to live with her? A mother should be glad that her daughter's living with her. And how dare she accuse you of being with her ex husband. I think that when something happens with your mother or family, you'll kind of forget it, but it will come back to you all the time. To keep your mind off it, just try not to get in touch with your mum, try focusing on the good things you've got right noy, your bf for example.
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