A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had been dating a guy from work for about 5 months when I broke up with him. I broke up with him because he wasn't treating me the way I deserved to be treated - lying to me, not making me a priority, not being there for me when I needed him, etc. I was devestated and even though we work together, I couldn't look at him let alone speak to him. He was crushed (which to be honest, surprised me) or so he says....we got into a huge fight about a month after we broke up because he was refusing to return some of my belongings. It was ugly and just reaffirmed in my that I didn't want anything to do with this man and we went back to not speaking. 2 weeks later, I came into my office to find 1 of my things on my desk with a note from him saying why he couldn't return my other things (they were in his car when his car got stolen right after we broke up). He ended his note saying "P.S. I hope that we can forgive and move past this. I never meant to hurt you."Slowly, after being broken up for 2 months, we began to talk again. Things were going well and we were starting to talk about getting back together. It was then that he told me that after our fight, he hooked up with a friend of his. He said that it happened a couple of times but that it hadn't happened in awhile and assured me that he'd end it. I asked him if he was sure and he said yes, that it shouldn't be a problem....they were just fwbs. A week went by and when I asked him if he ended things with her he said no, that he hadn't talked to her in awhile. Another week went by and I again asked if he'd talked to her and he said not yet. He said that they've been friends for a VERY long time (20+ years) and that he thought she has feelings for him so it was something he needed to figure out.....he needed to sit down and have a conversation with her. I told him I was very uncomfortable with the situation and really needed him to handle it. Again, he assured me he would. A month has gone by now and he still hasn't talked to her. I understand that he's trying to be sensitive to her feelings but what about my feelings? We got into a HUGE fight about it last night and well....he said he has some feelings for her and always has and he needs to figure things out. He says that when he reached out to her when we had our fight, it wasn't with the intention of sex. He says it wasn't about that but that it just happened. He is clearly confused about what he wants and I know I need to back off. He understood when I told him this. But here's my thing.....even if he really does end things with her like he says he will, I'm not sure I can ever trust him again. I will always wonder every time we get into a fight or have a problem, will he turn to her? Will sex just happen again? Even now, I find myself wondering if he turned to her last night after our fight. How am I ever supposed to be comfortable with their friendship ever again? It was one thing when we first talked about getting back together....I saw it as he never thought I was going to speak to him again and he turned to her to ease his pain. I don't agree with it, but I can understand it. But now that he hasn't ended it and it's been a month......Am I overreacting? I am wrong to push him to end it like he said he would? Should I give him more time and trust him? Part of why I broke up with him in the first place was due to his lying. He'd lie over something as stupid as saying he sent me a text when in reality he never did. I'm trying to let the past be the past but.....
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 March 2013):
 If you are not sure you can trust him ever again
and he has a history of not meeting your needs
and he's not meeting your needs now
I think you should just move on.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (15 March 2013):
 File him under 'History' and move on.
You broke up for a reason. He should not even have opened a dialogue with you, let alone discussed getting back together until he had finished with the other woman.
People are not confused about what they want. They know exactly what they want. They also know that being honest about it is going to ruffle some feathers. Being 'confused' buys them time to find a way to convince others to accept it.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (14 March 2013):
 Hi
You tried for 5 months to make it work with him and have a long list of reasons why it didn't. It was never a happy relationship for you which is why you ended it.
Now add to that this obviously good 'friend' of his and the talking, not talking and arguing since the split, it's just a recipe for disaster.
Why even contemplate going back, just be polite and professional with him at work and leave it at that
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 March 2013):
I think you were over reacting. He said it was over between them. Having to call and make it official would be embarrassing to say the least because she would know exactly where the call was really coming from (you).
The real issue is that when you break up with someone and then get back together without making a serious effort to fix things you're always going to end up breaking up again. TALK is cheap.
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A
female
reader, elise22  +, writes (14 March 2013):
 You obviously can't trust this guy, with all the lying and treating you badly in the past. I understand that you like him and want him back, but it seems that he's really not treating you like you deserve to be treated.
Another really big red flag in this story is that he told you he has feelings for this other girl. It's already taken him a month and he's still not ending it, so I think it's safe to say he's not willing to give a relationship with you a real chance. It's not like he's just met this girl and had sex with her to feel better, he's actually known her forever and has a history with her.
I know it's tough but I think it's time to try and move on...
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