A
female
age
36-40,
*unny2k35
writes:I have recently separated from my marriage of 8 years due to the fact I slept with a friend and got pregnant as a result. my husband can not have children naturally so my friend is the father after a massive row and my husband kicking me out I had to move to another town to stay with family as I had nowhere to go. My friend also moved to the same town but stayed with his friend not with me although my friend has fallen for me and wants us to be a family I just can't be with him I feel I'm been unfair if I allow him to become second best which is I'm afraid all he Will be as I'm very much still in love with my husband. my question is now the dust has settled my husband is willing to give me another chance and accept the pregnancy not as his own though my friend is aware of my feelings but still wants me to stay? Am I doin the right thing goin back or should I stay and give me and my friend a chance or should I give my friend the chance to be a father and go back to my husband ? Plz help I know I made myself in this mess x Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): If you go back to your hb, he will be the child's primary father. He is not the biological father, and your friend will still have visitation and develop his own relationship to the child but your husband will be the primary father to this child since he will be the one living in the same house day to day and being the life partner of the mother. make this clear and upfront to everyone. Your hb needs to be ok with this if your marriage is going to have any chance. Your friend needs to not get upset that his child will become closer to another man and see another man as his real dad and primary influence. Your friend will probably move on in time and can get married and have other kids in a more typical nuclear family arrangement if that is what he wants. It doesn't have to be with you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): Leave both of them and be a single mom with your friend having visitation with the kid.Your husband will not be able to handle this long term I can almost guarantee it 99%. If he can then he truly is in that 1% and should be made into a saint. Reality wise I think once the child is born it will be the start of a long descent into mental hell for your husband. Not many people can truly ever forgive an affair. And when the result was a child that just about makes the odds for a mentally stable life very low. My aunt knew her husband had fathered children with his mistress and she suffered clinical depression the rest of her life because of it until the day she died. Pretty tragic life if you ask me. But well it is his choice if he wants to take you back and he can certainly kick you out again and divorce you if he cant handle it in the future. just be aware that this is a very real possibility in your future if you choose now to go back to him after betraying him. Personally I would advise your husband to leave you for his own mental health. This situation is completely disrespectful to him and I don't think it healthy for him to live the rest of his life being disrespected.As for the father of the child. If you don't love him enough to choose him then don't get with him. He can still have access to the child but don't mislead him by marrying him.I think it is best you stay away from both of them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2013): Hi, get a patternity test done as you were sleepining with both men!
Then go with your heart but before you take your husband back. I suggest a nice long heart to heart chat to ensure there is not misunderstandings and that he can actually forgive you and if the child is not his to whole heartedly accept this innocent life.
You cannot have any contact with this friend and to e fair to your husband, all visitation should handled through a neutral person, to avoid insulting your husban again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): I agree with eliseconsider what would make the child's life most stable, along with your own feelings... remember, you cheated, the child is innocent, so what is most important now is that child.if possible, the 3 of you should discuss it together, because if you decide to be with your husband, they will always be in each others lives anyways, best to create an understanding now to prevent turmoil in the child's life
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (14 March 2013):
 man, that's one hell of a situation you've found yourself in.
it's a lose/lose for all involved. your husband would have to look in the face of a child who was conceived by your infidelity for the rest of his life while also having to deal with the man who you cheated with forever, as he is the dad and will be bound to you for the rest of your lives.
your friend is the father and natrally wants to be a family, seeing as how that's his child you're carrying. that's a part of HIM. he's got every right to want to be there all the time. imagine if you were in his shoes, and you had to be kept from your baby. it would be devistating.
and as for you, you have the man you love that it seems is impossible to have a normal life with now (in reality), and the man who's baby you're having that you don't love. you don't want to be with him or love him, but it's the most logical.
to be honest, i think you need to be single and keep away from both of these men until all the dust settles and you can make a decision for yourself not based on emotions but based on reality. because i don't think that your husband has a firm grasp on the full magnitude and reality of what he's facing once that baby comes. he's speaking with emotions of missing you and loving you. not with logic and thought. i don't know a single soul who could spend the rest of their lives in that situation the way he says he's willing to. if he thinks he's up for the task, reality will inevitably set in and he'll go insane. and he'll blow up and kick you out again. mark my words.
that's why i say maybe the best decision is to be with neither of them for the time being. let the baby come and see how things turn out. if your husband really does take it okay and embrace it, then go back to him. but i suspect that's not possible.
anyway, just be single for right now. that's my two cents. good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): You need to get a grip of your life, you seem to be lost and drifting with a baby on the way. It is probably best to forget about men in the short term and concentrate on you. Then, if your husband is still keen and you think you can rebuild your relationship, maybe it's worth a try. But don't start this child's life by staying with some uncommitted 'friend' only to be moving on in no time. You owe the baby as much stability as you can give it. Not men coming and going in your family life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): OP don't take this the wrong way but it's not about what's right, that whole concept was gone the moment you cheated. What matters now is what you want and what will make you the most happy and stable.
You say your husband is number one for you and he's willing to give it another try, then that's what you should do only if you think you have a real chance of making it work.
You don't owe anything to the other guy other than his rights as a father and access to his child, you can't be with him because you don't love him.
Do I think it would be a good idea to go back? I don't know, can you really see your husband being okay with being in life long contact with the guy you cheated with, raising his kid for him too, having to see him at family events, or when your kid has some sporting event or for school? Do you really think he'll be able to handle all that? Having your friend call over to collect his child, to always know that he could never have a child with you and can you really say he will not be jealous of this child or this other guy?
OP I've never been cheated on, I have no idea how painful it is but I can imagine it's immense but I honestly could not give that woman another chance and if I could the number one condition that I know I'd need to be able to learn to trust her again is that she never, ever speak to that guy ever again. I certainly could not see anything in the face of that child other than a wailing, bouncing reminder of the fact you cheated. I could just not trust that you'd not slip up with this guy again because he still likes you and he was already willing to fuck me over once, he will be willing to do it again.
OP don't make any decision right now. Don't even contemplate getting with either of them. You need to sit down and think of all the things you need from your husband and all the things you need to know he'll be able to handle so you're going to have to do a lot of talking with him and you need your answers now OP.
If you ask him how he'll feel being at the babies Christening and the father and his family being there too and he can't say he'll be okay with that, then that's not good enough. No "we'll cross that bridge...", no "I don't knows", you're going to be a mother soon you need guarantees not "maybes" as you can't afford to go back to him only to have set up your child's life for him to turn around and say he can't handle it.
OP talk to your friends and family about this and get all the opinions you can, get all the support you can and look into the third option of going this alone and being a single mom instead. It may actually be your only real option.
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female
reader, elise22  +, writes (14 March 2013):
 If you're still in love with your husband you are very lucky that he'll take you back. Please go back to him and try and make your marriage work, since that is obviously what you both want. Neither you nor your friend will be happy in a relationship when you really want to be with someone else.As for the baby, that is a pretty difficult situation, I'm not sure what the right thing to do would be. Of course the easiest thing would be if your husband would be the father to your child for all intents and purposes, but I don't think that's possible if your friend wants to be in the baby's life and actually be his father. I think you should talk to both of them together (I realise that will be very very uncomfortable) and talk about what all of your expectations are, and try to work out an arrangement.Please don't try to be in a relationship with your friend as that will only result in three miserable people!
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