A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im thinking of cutting contact with my dad as i dont want him in my life any more but would like some advice on whether i am overreacting before i go ahead with it. Im sorry this is so long.To cut an extremely long story short my parents divorced when i was 5 (i am now 27) and i used to spend every other weekend with my dad. We used to be close but then he met my step mum and her daughter and i was pushed aside. My step mum was like a wicked stepmum from childrens stories, she made me feel unwelcome as a child, was horrible to me and my dad always put her and her daughter before me. I used to cry and beg my mum not to make me visit them but i had to because of custody agreements. My dad is a very weak man and has let my stepmum rule his life to the point where she is rude to his family and even his mum and brother wont go to his house anymore because of her but he always defends her saying she was feeling poorly so doesn't mean what she says.i left the city we grew up in 10 years ago and in those ten years he has been to visit me twice. It's always been me that has to drive 2.5 hours to visit him. I used to see him once a month because i always feel like i should try and maintain a relationship because hes my "dad" but i feel nothing for him. Its hard to put into words how much he has hurt me by never making an effort with me and choosing my step family over me. As an example, a few years ago i got fed up of being the only one making the effort to see him so i didnt visit for about 4 months to see if he'd make the effort to see me and he didn't, he never once asked when i was going to visit or mentioned visiting me. My step mum then said i was selfish and was breaking my dads heart by ignoring him and banned me from their house. When i tried to make amends and visit she was nasty to me and hurled insults about me being selfish for not visiting but my dad doesnt deal with conflict or emotions so just stood and said nothing. i left the house in tears, i sat in the car outside his house trying to calm down before i drove off and he just stood watching me from the kitchen window and then never mentioned it again. This is what he has always been like.He rings me once a week but the conversation consists of him talking at me about his job and his step grandchildren for 5 minutes and then asks me briefly at the end if im ok and that's it - I probably say about ten words per phonecall - i think he believes this equates to a decent relationship between us. He is very close to his step grandchildren. He lavishes money on them, regularly babysits them and takes them on days out at the weekend that are the same travelling distance to where i live (but in the opposite direction). I fell pregnant last year and although i have given up on my relationship with him, i was hoping he would make an effort with his grandchild but i was wrong. My son is now six months old and my dad has only seen him for a couple of hours when he was 2 days old. I have deliberately not driven down with my son to visit my dad because i have been waiting to see if my dad would actually make the effort and visit me for a change but he hasn't. I understand its a 2.5 hour drive but he does that at least once a month taking my step family out to family attractions so surely he could visit his grandson once a month. Sometimes my dad won't even ask how my son is when he rings me for our weekly chat. He doesnt even ask for photos of him so has no idea what he looks like now.I call him dad because i feel i have to but he isnt a father to me and he clearly doesnt want to be a grandfather to my son. Because of this i want to tell him hes had his chance but because hes not made a single effort i want nothing more to do with him. I dont want the weekly pointless phone calls, i wont ever be visiting him again (ive not heard from my stepmum since my son was born so im assuming i wont be welcome at their house anyway) and if he ever decides he want to be a granddad then and only then can he contact me to arrange a visit but other than that i want no contact. Am i overreacting for wanting to end my "relationship" with him? Am i being unfair to my son even though ive never stopped my dad from building a relationship, ive regularly told him he can visit any time but my dad has chosen not to?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2015): I think you're blurring together two issues here - your Dad's absence/level of involvement in your life and whether he is actually any good at being a Dad - some Dad's who stay around and are in their kids lives are just really crap parents - and often around teenage time, but sometimes later, the child/young adult will rebel against that or complain and then, often, finally accept that their Dad is still a crap Dad but at least is trying a bit.
I'm not saying accept awful treatment, but your Dad does seem more like an awful parent rather than a totally uncaring one - I know this won't help much, but it's something maybe.
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (8 January 2015):
 The fact he rings you every week is significant. He doesn't have to, but he does. This shows he wants to be a father to you. He's not doing a very good job of it, but I think it shows some kind of intention.
Since you are not welcome at his house because his new wife doesn't like you, why don't you invite him (just him) to come and stay at yours sometime? He can spend time with you and your son and get to know you both a bit better.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 January 2015):
 Talk to your dad about this one final time. No more dropping hints and "testing" to see if he will come! Its childish. Be honest and upfront, not passive aggressive. Tell him how you feel, arrange for him to come see you every other month, and you drive to him every other month. Agree with him on a plan, write down the dates, and stop expecting people to read your mind. Stop this passive aggressiveness. If he doesnt want any of it when you try the direct approach, then you can tell him you have decided to not make the effort any longer.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 January 2015):
 My eldest son (45)says he is only on this planet for another forty years and he has got too many things to do that give him pleasure that he is not going to spend even another 15 minutes trying to build a relationship with his dad.
Don't get me wrong, his father is aware he is welcome anytime, and phone calls will always be welcome but it is up to his father to initiate any contact.
In the meantime my son is enjoying his life to the fullest making sure is the best possible husband and father he can be.
Younger son feels their father's rejection much more fully and yearns for his father to be more involved and connected.
The hurt my children feel is painful to me because there is nothing I can do to ease it.
I do empathise with where you are coming from, your letter clearly shows the hurt you have felt over the years.
I think a letter to your father, hand deliver it if you think that is the only way to ensure he receives it, stating much of what you have written to us, and letting him know you want a relationship with him, and you want your baby to have his grandfather in his life, but it is up to him now, you have exhausted you will to keep the connection between you and him alive, but now, if he wants you to be part of his life and family it is time for him to put in the effort.
Please recognise this as a last ditch effort, your father may be too entrenched to be able to change, or, as I suspect with my kids father, fully aware but too lazy to put in the required effort.
Whatever happens let you dad know the door is always open and you would love to see him but the ball is in his court.
And then just get on with living your life and creating happy memories for your baby.
I hope whatever happens that you will be able to reconcile yourself to the situation you end up with.
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (8 January 2015):
I don't think you are overreacting, no.
You seemed to have made efforts from your end. Maybe it's time to move on.
You aren't being unfair to the child either. A child deserves love and affection, not ignorance. No matter what the relationship it takes efforts from all the parties involved.
I see that you do intend to give your father a chance to make things right, if he chooses to do so.
It's quite a hard decision but one that needs to be made
Good luck :)
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