A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am married and had a four year affair with a married man. I ended up by my third child turning out to be my lovers. my husband found out the baby wasnt his and I begged him not to tell my lovers wife to protect our children. Somehow I am still in my marriage and my now ex lover has never wanted contact with our child which I cannot believe as she is gorgeous. I recently saw my ex with another woman and realised from body language they were intimate. I felt so cheated myself and for our child after having protected him. My gut instinct is to tell his wife and let him feel some pain for a change. Should I?
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (16 June 2011):
 Does your husband know that your youngest child isn't his? If he doesn't then you are either going to have to live with a lie or come clean...not an easy choice but the guy probably deserves to know.
Your ex most likely won't care about your daughter in the future. Men father children all the time and many of them don't even bother to ever see the child. It's a sad fact but very true.
It comes across in your writings that you are eaten up with rage and jealousy, almost a desperation to chase down any avenue just so you can get revenge. It does seem an event for retribution and you have every incentive to do this but do you think it will make things better?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for all the comments, yes it makes sense to let it go, so hard with having his child though as he's really changed my world. I am jealous the new love is so much younger/prettier/single (ouch!), but I had felt our affair was becoming shallow and he had certainly gone off the boil before my husband found out and ended things, so yes I am lucky. My marriage is still very rocky and if I hang in there I may find I start going down the route Caring Guy describes with his link, ie I think I'm sticking with him to keep the kids happy and that may not make for long term happiness for us. I wanted to keep some kind of link with my ex for my daughters sake, even if my ex can't see the benefit now. If he leaves his wife he may see a way to linking up with our child in the future. Surely if I tipped his wife off anonymously can that be so wrong? I never got any kicks from thinking our affair could hurt others, when your doing that you feel so invincible but now I can see more clearly, I want to shout at her to run!!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 June 2011):
Far better to insist on a DNA test and to fight for child support, you are entitled to that and he should be paying. I wouldn't make any contact with his wife but when he has to start shelling out for another child, his wife is going to want some explainations. I can see your frustration but you want revenge for the wrong reasons.
You were both in the wrong to begin with but your daughter is an innocent and worth fighting for.
You are lucky your husband stood by you...on a personal level forget the cheater and try to strengthen your marriage.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 June 2011):
Do you really believe that a man who will shun his own child, will feel ANY pain whatsoever if you tell his wife what has happened?
I don't - at all.
I also think what will happen is he'll then say you're nuts, make you look like a much worse party who say has mental problems, and tell his wife it was a one off. She'll probably then forgive him, and that will be that (this happens a lot).
You remain the person here who stands to lose the most. You're still in your marriage, and by telling this other woman what has happened, you'll only blow it all open again and cause your husband and children the same pain you claim to have been protecting them from in the first place when you begged your husband to keep quiet.
You have paid a hefty price here, and to go around seeking revenge is not a good thing. Yes, he's having a great time and he lied to you and his wife is a happy woman. He's got off virtually free. But, when you look at your own situation, when you look at the fact that your husband has stood by you, I'd say you've been pretty lucky too.
I would say that you need to speak to your husband about what to do over telling your child the truth at some point. It WILL have to happen.
But for God's sake don't go to this other man's wife and screw everything up. This is a mess already, and you don't need it to come back to bite you. And if you don't believe that it can all go wrong for you, read this post we've been commenting on.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-mum-was-caught-cheating-on-my-dad.html
This is a good reason for people not to have affairs, told from the child's point of view.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): The only 'good' reason for revealing your affair, would be if you wished your ex lover to be a father to your child or pay child support. If you don't want either of those things from him and you still want to protect you family, then keep the affair to yourself. Revenge might seem sweet for a while. But you will be opening up an old wound with your husband and cause a lot of hurt to people. Neither you or your lover were behaving properly. I wouldn't point the finger. Let it be, just concentrate on your family and rebuilding your relationship with your husband.
Your ex lover has only made you react this way because you have seen him with another lover. You are just feeling jealous. But he hasn't cheated on you. He has cheated on his wife again. It is not your business.
Thank your stars your husband is a good man and has accepted your love child and don't bring more hurt to his door by showing you still have feelings for this other man. You asked...no begged, your husband not to reveal your affair, claiming you wanted to protect your family. It will look very suspicious if you don't care about that anymore because you have seen him out with another woman. I would keep quiet and get on with life.
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A
female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (15 June 2011):
 I am afraid it will cause more trouble for you if you do this. For one, he is now your ex lover. Calling his wife whatever seemingly valid reason you have will only open old wounds. You should feel lucky that you have ended your affair with him inspite of the pregnancy and your husband finding out about it. Who knows, this time, you will not be lucky. The wife might not appreciate your concern at all and instead respond to you negatively especially that your affair has a very big evidence...your child with this cheater.
As I can understand in your post, the urge to spill is because you are jealous that he is with another woman now. This asshole does not deserve your time and effort, he did not deserve it before but you made a mistake. The more he does not deserve it now. I would suggest that you stay away from it and live your life like this man had never existed at all.
The wife is the victim here but that's another story, our focus now is you and you should save yourself the trouble to be hooked on this man's life again.
Wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): Ussualy I'd say no, as your daughter will not benefit but on this occasion I am going to say yes- go for it! The wife won't be happy, she may even lash out but she is married to a sleazeball and needs to know.
He probably has kids left right and centre, do you get financial support from this man? He needs to learn to face upto responsability. Yes it will hurt his wife but your daughter needs to come first, not his wife!
Your dfaughtert is the victim in all of this, the wife probably already has an idea for all anybody knows and just let's him get away with it. But I am totally on your side with this- let her know what a creep she is married too!
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