A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, here's the deal. I have been married for 8 years since right off high school. My husband is such a great guy, but he has his faults. When we started the relationship, he made it very clear hat he could not promise to be in a faithful relationship. But ofcourse he expected that from me. I was sooo in love, that I put up with these conditions. We had threesomes and he had the open door to do whatever he wanted. I thought that this was something that he needed o get over. Maybe someday he would realize that he just wanted to be with me. Until recently, I was the perfect little wife. About a year ago, my husband proposed that we stop telling people we were married and maybe get our own place. He had gotten married very young as well and he did not know what he had missed. I called it his mid-life crisis at 28. lol. All the mean time our sex life was not good. It was just sex, no intamacy. Sooo, I have this guy friend. He was my best friend in high school. He always had a crush on me. Even though I had gotten married and rarely talked to him, when we did talk it was like old times. He always made sure we kept in contact. This past year I began confiding in him everything that was dissatisfying in my marriege. (I'll call my friend 23) 23 had a serious girlfriend that he was having problems with as well. (23 having a gf is big, because he was a one night type of guy) We began talking regularly. He had always made me feel better. Back in high school I never found 23 attractive. He was an awesome friend but he had a lot of quirks I found unattractive. 23 always made me feel beautiful, sexy and wanted. He listened. Something that my husband had stop doing. All of a sudden I began to see him in a different light. I was immensly attracted to him. (even with his quirks, lol) With my husband I always needed lubrication, I thought there was somehing wrong wih me. But just thinking of 23 I was ready to go on a drop of a dime. We messaged each other, he said how he could not trust himself around me. If he were single he would show me how you really treat a girl you love. He had me gaga. At first I thought, I must be going insane. I would never cheat on my husband. But the more I thought about 23 and how unsatisfied I was with my marriege. The madder and resentful I got. 23 had been dumped by his girlfriend. I lied to 23 and told him that my husband had moved out. Finnally one night, called me up and asked if we could hang out. We sat in his car just talking about life. He leaned over to kiss me and I kissed him back. He was an amazing kisser. My husband never kissed me. For once in my life I said f-it, I want this. We had sex in his car, it was amazing. When it was all over I felt horrible. I did not know myself. This was something that I would never do. But even though I felt guilty, I could no stop wanting 23. The next day I called 23 and told him how I felt insecure about him and I. I think I scared him off, because he has kept his distance. If he returns my call, he keeps it short. I told him in a message that I felt used by him. He messaged me back not to feel hurt, but that he needed to get himself together. Once he did, we would make it work.So i'm giving him his space. He called once on his way to a roadtrip. But I haven't heard from him. As for my husband, I tried breaking it off 3 times. I told him how I felt in this relationship. I could not be with him and share him. He cried, and said he would give up everything, including other girls. He would change. Because of financial reasons, if we broke up he would be in the street. So I don't have the courage to ask him to leave. He has done a 180 turn and become the man I always wanted. But it's too late. I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. All the mean while I can't stop thinking about 23. I feel hurt by him. I don't know what to think. If he needs time or he just wanted to sleep with me. I'm sooo confused. I want to give my husband a chance to win my heart over, but all I want to do is start over with 23. I don't know if I like 23 because I'm unhappy in my marriege or if I just do like him. As for my husband I still want to leave even if I'm not with 23. I can't bear to tell him. What should I do?
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best friend, broke up, crush, insecure, kisser, moved out, sex life, threesome Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): Ok it's me again. As far as the advise part goes. I think you should go with your gut. You know what's in your heart more than anyone of us. I think you are a better person than you even realize you are. I'd say start from stratch. Find out who YOU are. Not what someone else wants you to be. I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. I just get tired of hearing the " he used me" comments on here all the time. Good luck to you. I really hope you find happiness.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): Ok it's me again. As far as the advise part goes. I think you should go with your gut. You know what's in your heart more than anyone of us. I think you are a better person than you even realize you are. I'd say start from stratch. Find out who YOU are. Not what someone else wants you to be. I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. I just get tired of hearing the " he used me" comments on here all the time. Good luck to you. I really hope you find happiness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you...
I did talk to my husband and explain the rules. I never really knew if he loved me, until he agreed to everything. But ofcourse that only made me madder, because then why go through this in the beginning.
Thank you again for your advice. I thought of all this things but it's different hearing it from other people. Specially when it comes in the form of advice. I am wearing rose colored glasses with 23, and i am numb. I'm just not sure I can move on.
Thank You
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): Darling, some of the replys have been harsh,so let our skin cool down and think.Rose coloured glasses with the guy from the past, your husband was playing the field and on seeing the red card(english football speak for a sending off) has re visited his relationship with you. Why? may be he loves you.So,take a deep breath,sex was great with the vision from the past but take the husband out of the sin bin and explain the rules!!! Play by them and we are okay,do not and good bye.Good luck honey.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question Your totally right. Girls do that. We feel at the moment like we can handle sex with no attachments. Ofcourse any guy would run for the hills. But it still does not take away that a girl feels used if she thought or wanted more after the incident. It's just the way we feel.
As for stating the obvious, yes cheating is wrong. I don't feel good about it. But calling it quits in a marriege to begin with is easier said than done. Especially when your confused about everything. Including not knowing what love is to begin with.
I have no one to blame but myself. I understand that. I know i'm in the wrong. It happened once, but the fact remains that if I had to do it again, I would. I don't regret it. That is what bothers me. So I totally understand the backlash. But I'm looking for advive not judgement.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): Wow, it sounds like an arrangement more than a marriage. I mean, for him to tell you 'I can sleep with whoever I want', then later say 'Let's tell people we're not married'. That's enough to numb any womans' feelings for life. If you want to give your husband a 2nd chance, then he has alot of soul searching to do on being a true husband. I would basically start completely over. Square one. Try dating again and talking things through on the kind of marriage you both want.
As for 23, I think you did scare him off, and you need to tell him the truth. You were Cheating, and that Scared you too. I think it's honorable(probably not the right word) of him to back away because you ARE another man's wife. He really shouldn't be in contact with you unless you are a divorced woman.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): You said for once in your life you said f-it. You wanted it to happen. It was amazing. Then you turn it around on the guy and tell him he used you? And you wonder why he isn't around? Hello? Are you serious? I would run from you also. Why is it that a woman feels like she is owed something after consentual sex. And when she doesn't get what she thinks she should it always gets put back on the guy?
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A
male
reader, jay12toes +, writes (19 February 2009):
 cheating is wrong, so if your planing on doing anything with anyother man then you need to break it off with your husband first, its just the right thing to do. or you can try and patch things up. these are your options.
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