A
female
age
41-50,
*ifeofcrossdresser
writes:I need help i have known for 2 yrs now that my husband is a crossdresser, we have been together 11 yrs and have 4 kids. Everythung was good until he started crossdressing. He is a hard working great man but my needs are not met like they used to be. I try to bring up the issue and its always the same, we end up fighting and crying. I dont wanna cry anymore, my hearrts a mess. I could use some advice. I waqnt my husband back! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): I discovered my husband's "dressing up" about a year ago. I found him sitting outside in our car fondling himself into a frenzy. I was horrified. He admitted that he enjoyed his affair with "her" He wears lacy nities and no bottoms, so he can play freely. We tried some counseling and his behavior was considered by the counselor and himself to be equal to having an affair with another woman. He has shut me out for a couple of years now, talking very little and avoiding any intimate touch with me. Now I know why. After the counseling he claimed to have realized how much his behavior had destroyed our marriage and wanted to get it back together with me. We had been gradually working toward trust and going out and having fun together, I thought we were making progress and was going to plan a romantic get away, then I came home early and found him in the living roommaking out with himself on the couch. He admitted that this had been going on all through the counseling time and he was just pretending to love me just to "keep peace" I am shattered and feel betrayed, broken and distrustful. Cross dressing in this manner is very damaging!!
A
male
reader, chris57 +, writes (13 February 2013):
So I wanted to analyze your blog post. And before we go too far I will let you know that I crossdress.I am in my 50's and have been married for 35+ years. I have no desires to become a woman, nor do I leave the house this way. And I have no tranny porn on my computer, nor do I surf the sites that promote sexual gratification regarding this. It was something that started when I was 5 years. So, let's talk about crossdressing. And I will assume you crossdress also, as you wear jeans, pants, t-shirts, flannel shirts, pajama bottoms, etc. So, your husband wears womens clothes. Since it's acceptable in todays society for women to wear mens clothes, I would think you would be a little more understanding. I don't know about the pictures. i have pictures of me but certainly not on my phone. Yes i would be concerned about that. You should ask for access to his online accounts as honesty is important. Back to the pictures. those pictures are reserved for my wife and myself only. The "need" to crossdress is for more a comfort, or a major stress reliever. I can putter around the garage, fix things around the house, and do computer work in a dress quite fine. I've even chopped wood, but I digress. You crossdress when you go to the grocery story in Levis and a t-shirt. Mostly because it's comfortable. It may be that he is comfortable wearing a dress while changing the oil on the car. I don't have "tranny porn" or subscribe to the elicit sex sites regarding this. My total interest is for my wife, whom I love dearly and unconditionally. My life is not consumed by the crossdressing as it is acceptable in the house. Although my wife says she finds it odd watching me work on baseboards in a dress, because the silloette looks just like a girl as i have long hair down the middle of my back. She thinks I would pass in public, but i have absolutely no desire to do this. Needs being met. You should explain your needs to him. If he is the sole provider in the house, the real question is are you meeting his needs? Are you too selfish of your own? If he provides food, shelter, clothing, vacations, and spending money for you, are you taking advantage of him? I am the sole provider in the household. I put no demands on her concerning the crossdressing. She has stated she will never go to a CD event or outing, even before I even thought about as I just can't go out of the house like this. And that's OK with me. She has offered to buy things for me, but I have told her I'm OK with buying clothes and shoes although she has gone with me to make sure I buy the right colors. Kids. I have 3 daughters, that are all adults. They all know. Is this the end of my relationships with them? They have never seen me dressed but they have seen one picture. We've had our laughs and have moved on. I'm still dad. They just consider me a little eccentric.
So, before you through away your marriage, and stomp out of the house, look in your own closet. Think about what you wear. Something that helps me is when my wife dresses to the nines. She just relieved me of my desire for that day. I can drink of her beauty and forget about my desires. And she does this quite often for me. She allows me to help her get dressed, which also slows my cravings.
So relax, take a deep breath, look around the house and your closet, insist on honesty and openness, and seek marriage counseling.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (11 January 2013):
Dear OP,now I understand much better. So, it's not only about crossdressing, but rather about your husband not really paying attention to his family any more and only thinking 100% of the time about this fetish or sexual/emotional desire of his.This is really sad. It doesn't seem like it's something he wants to share with you (it's either with or without you). So it's like he withholds a part of himself from you.What I think is still positive - he finally agreed on your idea. Ok, out of guilt, but you and the kids obviously still mean something to him and he has a sense of obligation.I'd also suggest couple therapy/counselling to deal with this. You have built a big family and have a lot of shared memories. Your husband seems to have suddenly changed, but maybe you can both find a better way to deal with this change than him completely obsessing about it and you feeling left alone.
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A
female
reader, wifeofcrossdresser +, writes (10 January 2013):
wifeofcrossdresser is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey thanks to all for the replies. When I say my needs arent being met I mean emotionally. My husband told me that crossdressing is on his mind 100% of the time. I would rather the kids and I be on his mind that much, dont get me wrong he works hard to support us finaccaly,but we all no money is not what is really important. I will give you all a brief example we have earned a free night stay in a hotel so I suggested that we just get a room close to home with a pool and take the kids and have a family night and he said that he would much rather use the night to stay in the city with or without me to get dressed up and go to a drag queen show. Sorry but not my scene and a couple of yrs ago he would of loved a family night. He agreed on my idea but only out of guilt. whoops I said brief sorry. Obviously I have alot to talk about.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 January 2013):
 You say your needs are not being met like they used to.
Is this your emotional, mental, or sexual needs? WHAT needs are not being met by your husband?
You say you try to bring up the issue and you end up fighting… well it sounds like marriage counseling may be in order…
You say you want your husband back. Do you mean he’s distanced himself from you know that you know about his cross dressing or do you mean you want the man you married back the way he was. Because the difference is vast.
IF you are willing to accept that he’s cross dressing (which from my understanding most cross dressing men are heterosexual) and work with that within the marriage, then yes I think counseling to figure out what needs to be done to accommodate both your needs is in order and can probably help.
IF you mean “I WANT MY HUSBAND TO STOP CROSS DRESSING and go back to being the man I THOUGHT he was”… that is probably NOT going to happen and you need to start hashing out the divorce decree with him. This will be a sad divorce. Amicable in that it’s not that you don’t love each other it’s just that your paths have diverged. And the kids will survive.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 January 2013):
 If I understand correctly, guys don't just, spontaneously, start crossdressing when they are in their thirties.... I'd wager that this is something that he has done for a LONG time....he suppressed this part of him for the 11 years that you have been together... and just couldn't be "in the closet" any longer.... and that is when/why he revealed it to you......
It could "mean" the demise of your marriage, if you and he can't reconcile this part of him...... OR, you and he could see if there is some sort of compromise arragnement that you can get to.... probably with professional guidance... so that your marriage and family survive this significant blow to the "normalcy" that you've known for so long....
I hope you and he can come to grips with this...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (10 January 2013):
 A chat with him is not going to put this right. Men cross dress after years of secrecy or desire and it is part of them, like having blue eyes or long legs. Some women do find a way to compromise in order to keep their relationship going, but where sex is withdrawn, this is a much harder problem to overcome and your husbands crossdressing could become more important to him than being with you.
You would probably benefit from seeing a marriage guidance counsellor, so you can talk openly about your frustrations without him rolling his eyes or switching off from your worries.
If a compromise can't be found then perhaps it's time to rethink the marriage.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (10 January 2013):
Dear Wifeofacrossdresser -I would really like to understand your situation better, before I can give you any advice. Why did your marriage get worse after your husband started crossdressing? Did he always like it or did he just discover it two years ago?What kind of needs are not met anymore? What do you think about crossdressing in general and do you dislike it?Would your husband like you to participate in his crossdressing and accept it, or does he want to keep it to himself? Are there any new sexual desires that come along with his crossdressing?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): Unfortunately, I believe that you're marriage maybe over. He isn't going to stop cross dressing. I think its unfair that he waited almost ten years to let you know about this. I'm quite sure if you knew this, you probably would have never married him. This clearly is an issue for you. If you feel that you can accept this part of him, then stay. In order to really accept cross dressing , you can't be angry about his behavior or even bring if up when he does it. If it gets to you like it is now, you really don't need to stay. You will continue year after year in this manner. The best advice is to really ask yourself can you handle cross dressing from your husband for the duration of you're marriage. If not, you already know the answer. Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (10 January 2013):
 Which needs do you feel are not met? Maybe you need to try again to bring up the issue but in a supportive way, no accusations or arguments, just honest and open.My friend recently told me he cross dresses, I didn't think much of it as a friend, but I can see how different this would be if I was his partner.
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