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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I am in my 3rd year of college and just broke up with my 2nd serious boyfriend. We met thru friends and felt like we'd known each other forever. We went on dates for only 8 days and decided to make it official. I had heard alot about him through friends about how he was a crazy partier, smoker and drinker, and also a ladies' man.(He is very very cute and girls are all over him) He had been sent to the hospital twice Freshman year for alcohol poisoning. However, when I met him he seemed to be about so much more than partying. He told me these were all things of his past. He told me he was a drinker (I didn't really mind even though I don't drink much) on our first date.It's important to note I'm a typical "good church going girl"... We dated for about 2 months happily. We would text every day all day (I dont think this is the healthiest for relationships, but I couldn't help it! He initiated most of the time and seemed fine with it). He got me to loosen up and we went to parties together. He paid for everything, always held the door for me, never pushed ANYTHING sexually, and introduced me to his family. However, we started having little fiascos because he lied. First, he lied to me about how many girls he had slept with. His number was higher than mine, so he lied because "he didn't want me to think badly of him and it was still so early in our relationship to talk about sex". I just wanted to know because I had heard he was a player and I didn't want to get in too deep.Our second argument was when we tried to meet after class, he lied and said he went home but really he skipped class. So I was waiting for him for a while outside of the class and he never showed and responded really slowly to my texts. This made me angry because he lied his way through the whole situation and bailed on me. I called him out on this and broke up with him. he explained what happened and came over to talk about it. Basically, he started crying and apologized saying that he wanted to give me the world, he was going to tell me he loved me tonight, he doesn't feel like he's good enough, etc. I took him back, but thought it was a bad idea because I didn;t want to be lied to twice.After this argument, things were ok but he seemed to be losing interest. Eventually, I asked him about it, but he swore there was no problem and he was happy. He started canceling our plans and just "going through the motions". We talked over our Christmas break about how it seemed like he was losing interest. He agreed he was and still really liked me and was willing to give it a try. This was not good enough for me so we ended it. He admitted then that he had been smoking weed MOST days of the week during our relationship. This explains so much of the inconsistencies and issues we had. I voiced my concern about how frequent marijuana use will prevent him from getting a job, etc. He said he wanted to make it more of a weekend thing but thought our differences had become too much. I agreed, and he gave me a nice speech about how beautiful I was and great to him, how I'd find someone who loved me more than anyone ever could....Since that night (3 weeks ago from today), we have not been in any contact. His 2 best friends texted me apologizing and to see how I was doing...which was super random. We are now both back at school and I haven't heard anything still. How could he go from telling me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me to now NOTHING? I'm looking for validation or something to move on. I don't want to contact him and seem weak (He said I kind of got clingy at the end). I have rationalized it to that he tried to change and "behave" for me but just couldn't do it anymore. I don't know if talking to him would even make me feel any better. I exercise almost daily, reach out to friends, journal, and say my prayers constantly. I don't know what to do and feel very depressed. Any help would be appreciated! Thank you all!!
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best friend, broke up, christmas, depressed, move on, player, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (10 January 2013):
 I think the key to your submittal is this sentence: "I have rationalized it to that he tried to change and "behave" for me but just couldn't do it anymore...."
So.... WHAT's the question? "Who he is" is incompatible with "who you want to spend your time with"..... so you (two) go on your separate ways, and chalk this up to a learning experience.....
Good luck....
A
male
reader, HarmonyHands  +, writes (10 January 2013):
 I hate to sound crude but I don’t think your situation is that unusual. Most guys at college age are looking for a lot of fun, no strings attached, sex. Even if they do fall for a girl it doesn’t take much for another girl to get him in the sack for a night. Just take a look at the Maxim spring break parties. Most women mature a little faster and are looking for their soul mate, a protector, financial stability, and someone close to talk to.If I were you I would try to get him out of your mind by finding another more suitable to your likes and dislikes, perhaps a little older. I know it’s easier said than done but if necessary you can get one of Steve Jones Hypnotherapy tapes on dating and attraction downloaded from the internet and listen to it at night.I speak from experience and watching male friends.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 January 2013):
 I am not even sure I understand why are you waiting for him to contact you, to say what ? aren't you broken up ? People break up and move on, that's what they are supposed to do.
The whole "let's stay friends " is in most cases just a pathetic ruse by the dumpee to hold on to the past, and often if fails miserably. After all, friendship is based on compatibility of personality and lifestyle, and ,since often people break up precisely because of huge incompatibility in these areas ,then there's not enough " meat " either to feed a friendship on.
Anyway, you have mutually and civilly decided to part ways. Then, do part ways now. If you WANT to move on, the less you hear from him or see him, the better . You can act friendly if you happen bump into each other somewhere , or to attend the same social circles, sure, - but contacting him, talking to him,.. for telling him what ? " Hey remember that 3 weeks ago we broke up ? " He knows. You know too. He has moved on. Now it's your turn.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 January 2013):
 You may not feel this way right now, but you dodged a massive bullet with this guy. A drug user, skipping school, playing fast and loose with the truth. You're not in high school anymore, so going for the "bad boy" when you're a churchgoer is out.
Don't get depressed. Get relieved. Who you choose to be with will now affect your momentum in life, meaning you must choose a lot more wisely than when you did in high school. You're not clingy. It's not clingy to call someone out on their lies. He lacks maturity. Being "official" after 8 days?? Getting ready for the L word at 2 months? WAY too fast! We date people in order to get to know them to see if a future is compatible. You saw many red flags including being in the hospital for alcohol poisoning, smoking weed, skipping classes, and lying repeatedly.
Don't waste another second pining after a loser. You're fortunate he didn't impregnate you or give you a disease or get you hooked on a similar weed smoking, class cutting lifestyle.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 January 2013):
 He found that he could not give up his partying, drinking smoking life style for love, even for the most perfect woman. He assumes most people would think he did not love you enough to change. The fact is one can only change for himself and nobody else. His guilt is telling him that at least he loved you despite not being worthy of you. I believe he did not say he loved you to get you back. He wants to spend the rest of his life with you, only if you can stop complaining about his unhealthy habits. His silent treatment is telling you that even though he loves you he has to move on because you don't approve him as a boyfriend.
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