A
male
age
26-29,
*osh141644
writes:I am the guy that girls go to when they are starting to like a guy and they tell me and ask me for advice. When they get that all figured out and start going with the guy, they forget me and leave me in the dust and act like i don't exist. after the relationship comes to a crashing hault, they come back to me for comfort after being hurt. after they recover they go and look for another guy and the cycle starts all over again. i have found myself in this situation multiple times... i always feel like i should help others, but im just giving so much and getting nothing in return, not even a thank you. i don't mind not getting a gf my self, but for all i do for those girls and how kindly i treat them, i don't get why they forget about me... what am i doing wrong? should i still help them? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2012): Maybe - just maybe, you concentrate so hard on being 'nice' and 'understanding' that you don't be yourself. I'm sure YOURSELF is kind enough to cope with these girls without you putting in extra effort. I reckon you need to let the other parts of your character shine. Maybe all these girls see in you is a shoulder to cry on - because that's what you try so hard to be. And if I'm to be quite frank, be a little pushy if you want to see them again...NOT whiny, but press for it, convince them that going out to the cinema with you will be great/help her feel better etc. And, if you want to be a little sneaky, after you two are becoming a little bit more chummy - stop talking to her for a week or so...be busy, be unavailable. This usually will trigger something inside her, and get her to start thinking about YOU. It's a little cruel yes XD but my boyfriend did it with me unintentionally, and it worked. as long as you strike it up again and become good friends, going to the park together etc, you're in with a very good chance.
And, by the way - have 1 or 2 other people go with you and her to the park or cinema and stuff, make it casual, you don't want her to feel like you're 'trying' to make it a date. But...be a little more playful than her other friends to make you stand out. Put your leg on her for example if you and some friends are sitting on a bench or on the grass. I don't know!! XD Well...whatever, I hope this helps. I'm not much of an agony aunt, but I do try.
Aaaaand just ONE more thing XD sorry. Basically, sometimes people just have to wait for the right girl, the right time, and the right circumstances. You won't EVER know if it's a good potential relationship. Seriously. You only know when it happens. When I was in High School for example, I thought I knew what friendship was, I thought I had friends - I would tell people that I had many friends. I'd hang around with a large group and laugh and whatever...but it's only now, that I've been in college for a year, that i truly know what friendship is. I have REAL friends now, people who I could go skinny dipping with, tell secrets to (bad ones and all XD) go on summer walks with and chase cows, but the best thing about having real friends is that silence is never awkward. Silence is natural.
I'm getting a bit over the top XD SOZ M8
;) good luck
Kate,
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (27 June 2012):
 I agree with Abella that you are being too kind and accomodating. I know you care about your friends, but sometimes we can give too much of ourselves in our attempt to help others. We can also realize that others are not as kind and as accomodating as we are. That is when you need to establish some boundaries with your friends. If they are coming to you just for advice and assistance, I would be busy with something else...anything else. You need to respect yourself to know when to say enough is enough. Socialize with people who respect you as an individual, who respect your time, and who are generally fun and optimistic people to be around. If you must help someone, volunteer at an animal shelter if you like animals or a retirement center where people will appreciate your time and effort. If these girls really want you as a friend, they will come around, but some people in today's world are selfish.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): I hate to break it to you, but nice guys finish last.
Accept this now and you will be a lot happier. Don't spend your teens trying to make the world a better place by being the nice guy. The world, and ESPECIALLY girls in their teens, are never going to reward you for it. If you keep trying to be the nice guy when you are already feeling jilted for it, you will end up a bitter jerk that women like a lot less than the arrogant asshole jerks they like right now.
A lot of teen girls will use guys like you at your age if you let them. They are polite about it and they will not think of it that way, but that is really what they may be doing. And you are helping them do it. So stop helping. Nut up and respect yourself. You can be a decent friend without being an emotional tampon who just soaks up their mess and then gets tossed aside.
There is a huge difference between demanding respect and being a jerk. You want to do a whole lot of demanding respect and a much smaller amount of actually being a jerk. But part of demanding respect calls for being a jerk sometimes so don't think you can avoid that entirely.
There is a wealth of knowledge about how young women (and men) sexually think & act that is available for free online. I REALLY wish I had access to it when I was your age. I would have wised up a lot earlier and been more successful with women. Read about "ladder theory" and the "Alpha" and "Beta" males, and why women love assholes, etc. There are logical evolutionary reasons that male and female personalities have developed this way. Don't hate what works on women, learn to understand it and make it work for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 June 2012):
 You are way too accomodating, kind, generous and willing to do their bidding. You freely give your advice and your wisdom. I am NOT suggesting you charge for your advice and counselling and wisdom and support.
But I am suggesting that you give too freely. They give you back nothing in return. As a result they think it is easy for you to do what you do.It is not. You put a lot of effort into being extra good to these ungrateful girls.
At the moment they are not valuing what you have to offer because it is free. And because you have not worked out a way to get something back in return.
While you keep giving too much they will fail to value you.
Make them work for that advice. Make it harder for them to get to you for advice. Be less available. Be extra busy. Have an assignment that just cannot wait.
Until it gets to the point where they start valuing you so they are more likely to work out ways to try to out-do each other. To ensure that based on your limited time available and your busy schedule they will make it worth your while. Maybe inviting you to share a meal with you. Maybe wanting to hang out with you
It is called Supply and Demand.
Right now they Demand and you Supply and they have the upper hand.
Change the equation. They have unlimited wants. You have a valuable scarce resource (your Intellectual Property and your expertise and your wisdom.)
Make your scarce resource even scarcer.
Not in a mena way. In a very apologetic, 'I would Mary, I'd love to help you Mary, but I have an assignment due and I really cannot find the time. My brother is playing his first match of the season this Saturday and the whole family wants to be there to give him support. My Dad needs me to wash the car by Friday. And I promised my Gran that I would tidy up her attic on Sunday afternoon, and I really do not want to let her down. Plus my brother asked me to help him this weekend with his car. I just don't know how I'll get through. So sorry, but not this time Mary.
if Mary is smart she will offer to come with you to the game so she can spend some times with you and pick yoour brains. or offer to wash the car for you while you think about how to help her with her problem.
Little by little these girls will be drawn into your world and get to know you better. Even if they have to do a few favors first they will better understand in future that your expertise is valuable and does not come cheap.
If these girls are not willing to spend some time with you and show you some friendship AND show appreciation to you then they are not friends. They are using you if they expect your advice some with 'no strings attached'
You time and expertise is the key yo getting closer to these girls. Do not let them off scot-free.
Once you get more confident and smarter you might even get bold enough to think up better ways to flirt with these girls, and show them what a gentleman you are. And how respectful and courteous you are.
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): You are young, but I'll be brutal.They do not find you attractive. You are not attractive. One way to fix this: be attractive. This is possible, first your self esteem, level of confidence and personality. You need to understand that while you are the nice guy you are also the hot guy. You will be friendly, funny, and a jerk 20% of the time but just light teasing. Second, is your wardrobe. You will need to find your own style. I would say at your age dress like Justin beiber. Get a hair cut, use products, go for jogs, work out. If you can do all that, they will come to you for advice and more. Not easy though, especially upping your confidence and all but always believe you are awesome without getting too cocky. That is the key.
...............................
|
