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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Ever since I broke up with my ex 2 years ago I havent been able to have feelings for any other guy. I was madly in love with him and he broke my heart.I have been on many dates but when it becomes remotely serious I just back out and think I can't do this. I met this really lovely guy soo sweet and we get along great but now hes mentioning wanting to be with me and I'm feeling panicky! I really don't know what to do! I am terrified that im never going to fall in love again and that I am going to have this lonely feeling forever. Some advice would be brilliant, I just want to feel again but I don't know how to :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice! I guess when I met my ex I was able to go with the flow but now all im thinking is, isit going to work, will it feel the same as with my ex and then I back out because I think its never going to be the same so whats the point...its rediculous because if I keep feeling like this I will be alone foreverr,Im never going back to my ex, he was a bad person soo ill deffo be alone!
To the last person that commented, you deffinately got it right, all im doing is casually dating and when it starts going beyond that I back out, but I really dont want to hurt this guy im dating now but when im with him i feel numb and terrified, he must sense it because he doesnt come near me! and then when he doesnt i feel we arent going anywhere, he cant win, yet he still wants to keep going out with me god knows why! Its probably best i end it i dont know. My mum thinks i need help lol this is how bad i am
A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (7 October 2011):
 You were hurt pretty badly by your ex. That's like accidently putting your hand on a stove when you didn't realize the burner was on. That might well make you very wary of going near a stove again (I know, I know, not a terribly good analogy, but perhaps you see the point?)
It's understandable that you are now very cautious. It's your way of protecting yourself.
So my advice is this: don't worry about whether or not you're going to fall in love and feel strongly about someone ever again! Simply try to relax and accept your feelings as they are. Some caution in new (or relatively new) relationships, plus a little skepticism, is not at all a bad idea. It can save you from getting into something that wouldn't ultimately be in your best interests.
How long have you known the new man? Is he talking about moving in together, or getting married? If so, and unless you've been dating at least a year, and preferably more, let him know you're not ready for that kind of step, even though you care deeply for him (if you do).
Really getting to know one another, the good stuff, as well as the not-so-good, takes time. Trust on both sides is of the utmost importance, and trust is something that has to be earned, not taken as a "given" just because he or she says you can trust them, you know! The old adage that actions speak louder than words definitely is applicable!
If you see that he is a decent, sweet, honest, understanding individual, who despite sometimes having a bad day, or difficult situations he needs to deal with, in time you'll get to discern whether or not he is someone you can be committed to - and the same goes for him, as far as being with you for the long term. Hopefully, by then your fear of getting hurt and sense of having to back out, will take care of itself.....
Good luck!
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male
reader, GhostChild  +, writes (7 October 2011):
 Hi,What your experiencing is normal. You had a deep and serious relationship that you poured a lot of love into and it ended in heartbreak. The reason that you have feelings of panic when you get close to this new guy is because you're afraid of exposing yourself to the same pain and heartbreak again.When a relationship falls apart, it can be really hard to get back on the horse and try again with someone new, and it can take a long time to fully recover, but love is always a huge risk, it always is, but that's a part of what makes it exciting. If you like this new guy, then there's not really any harm in starting to date him. Let him know about how you've been hurt in the past and you'd rather take it slow.If you take it easy and one step at a time, then you'll probably find that your confidence will start to come back as you heal from your last relationship and you enter a new one.And also, you're still young and have plenty of time and years to love again, for the moment just take it easy and enjoy life :) Hope I've helped!
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female
reader, mashftw +, writes (7 October 2011):
What this sounds like is not that you can't fall in love, it sounds like you're not letting yourself fall in love. You might not be doing this on purpose of course... but since you went through the trauma of a break up two years ago, with someone you really loved, you're obviously going to have some hidden fears that it might happen again. My advice? It's been two years so it's well past the time you should be over the break up. You have to push yourself through this because sometimes time doesn't fully mend a broken heart. There's absolutely no reason you shouldn't move on with your life and your love life. And as you said about this new guy, he's sweet and you guys get along so well. What more qualities of a boyfriend do you want? The asshole that broke your heart 2 years ago is gone now, and all guys are different. All love is different. So don't escape the opportunity you have with this new guy because I can guarantee, once you spend more time with him as a couple you will start to forget about the other guy and before you know it you'll be in love. It takes a few shots before you can truly move on but you haven't even tried! So get out there and have some fun because you don't have anything to lose. You loved, you lost, that's the way life goes. So move on. There's many people out there waiting to be a part of your life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): I understand how you feel, I was with my ex for 3 and half years and then he broke my heart. At first, I felt like I would never get over him or find somebody that I would be able to feel the same for. I tried my best to move on, casually dated men here and there. However, I'd find myself comparing them to my ex and feeling miserable deep inside that they were lacking certain qualities he had. Then after such bad experiences I decided to just give up on the whole looking or wanting a relationship thing and decided to do my own thing. Ironically at that time I met my current boyfriend and although at first I still held the same fears and doubts that I was not able to fall in love again I decided to just go with the flow and give it a chance.I think that you have been badly hurt by your ex which causes in you such feelings... It isnt that you are not able to fall in love again, there just exists perhaps a fear inside you that subconsciously affects your behaviour; a fear of being hurt again.You should try to give this guy a chance.. it takes time to build love for somebody. The more time you spend the more foundation you'd be building. Maybe you will find yourself liking him more and more or maybe you will discover that he isn't the right person for you. In life you have to go through a lot of them to find the right wrong. So don't worry. the majority of us go through heartbreak and many of us are able to move on from it and find somebody new.. its all part of life
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