A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys, I really could use advice; from the guys and the ladies; it would be greatly appreciated!I'm a 19 year old female, currently in my frosh year of university. I was a fairly shy, homely looking child growing up, and didn't get much male attention until grade 8 when I started taking care of myself. I discovered makeup and fasion, and I began to really play up the 'innocent, bubbly, outgoing' persona. Suddenly found myself amidst a constant crowd of male attention. I've always felt much safer around girl friends, and treasure female friendship above male friendship always, but I couldn't resist the new thrill of male attention. I'd flirt but never pursue or initiate, I had strict morals and let them know in juuust a way that would tease but not flaunt, and I drew the line at going on dates, because commitment scared me! I subconciously wanted to see how high on the 'eligible bachelor' list I could seduce, and then run. You know the movie 'Runaway Bride?'. That's me. Imagining my life without male attention I felt empty and depressed. :( I had a wonderful father growing up who I'm very close too, a wonderful circle of girl friends who are always supportive and encouraging; but I couldn't stop flirting! I got a rep as a heartbreaker a couple months into highschool, and by grade 12 I'd been asked out so many times it was incredibly awkward even walking down the hallway passing guys I'd hurt. :( I felt terrible about myself!!! I knew how wrong it was, but even thinking about stopping plunged me into an even deeper depressed state. University has been even worse!!! Recently I fell in love for the first time, head over heels, I love him more than anything, he's my best friend. But I'm terrified of loosing the confidence and support coming from male attention if I committed to just one guy. I feel like I'd lose myself, as shallow as I KNOW that is. I don't know how to find confidence any other way, help! All your advice would be appreciated, harsh or not, wisdom from any generation; thank-you for your time.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 March 2012):
 I think you give too much credit to male gender, OP :). As if all were perfect gentlemen that, knowing you are " taken " would stop looking at you , or complimenting you, or even making passes at you. It does not happen. In fact, for some mysterious reason, engaged or married women often get hit on more than when they were single. Who knows, maybe competition is an aphrodisiac, .. or maybe guys think that's even better, if someone else is dating you... they won't have to :).
So, that should answer your doubts about how not to lose male attention: you just won't.
For the rest, there would be a lot to say about self esteem and self image and how to find the measure of your worth in yourself and not in the admiring looks you get from others. I should be pulling your ears, and pelting you with heavy books by Betty Friedan, Germaine Greer and all the other feminist authors.
But , I'll try to keep it short and I'll just tell you : be careful , OP. Start working on your insecurities , on your narcissist wound of ex ugly duckling.
There's nothing wrong with liking admiration and validation, I think everybody does- within limits. If you can really " see " yourself only when you are reflected in the desiring , admiring mirror of male eyes... once the mirror gets clouded ( and it inevitably will at some point )- there's no you anymore, nothing to see.
A
female
reader, Okies  +, writes (6 March 2012):
you are defining yourself by the male attention you get.. meaning you're thinking of yourself as the girl who gets this much male attention by this many guys, not anything else .. it seems that this role has stuck to you so hard .. you find it hard to be someone other than that.. someone who may not be the one who gets all the male attention anymore..
that is not true first of all.. male attention will always be given to you.. but this male attention is worthless.... I mean how much can you live off male attention.. someday you will want sex...
you have to forget about that girl... this is the next episode of your journey... now you have to learn who you are .. learn what love is.. true love is.. and be more than just a girl every guy wants.. you have to be yourself.. get a career.. and get a life..
some people don't find someone to love their whole life.. so undermining love for male attention is stupidity on your part..
If you really love the guy and HE LOVES YOU BACK.. I think you should be in a relationship..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): OP being in a relationship doesn't mean guys suddenly stop coming on to you, if anything it just gives you the security to enjoy it safely and have a very handy excuse when rejecting these guys.
I'd say 90% of women love feeling desired OP. My girlfriend still very much enjoys male attention. But she manages it carefully. She ensures she doesn't cross any lines.
It sounds to me you don't really cross any of those lines as it is and you're single and free to cross them.
OP my girlfriend dresses sexiest and puts the most effort into looking beautiful when she's going on a night out with her girl friends. I know full well why she does it and how much attention she will get and I'm fine with it.
OP relationships and aren't a prison, where you suddenly find yourself trapped with one guy and suddenly all other guys don't even look at you, being a relationship is actually liberating in those respects because not only do you get male attention still you get the complete attention, devotion and mind of one specific guy. All those guys who come on to you may well forget about you immediately after talking to you but a boyfriend will always think of you, desire you and want to chat you up.
Do you really think that the attentions of ten guys is really going to hold a candle to the full attention and love of a guy that you love?
You see you're used to getting attention and having it feed your ego, well you have yet to experience what that kind of attention is like from a guy you love. For many women that feeling is so profound that no other guy matters, they don't even notice other guys.
I think your fear of commitment is about something deeper OP and your mind may be using this fear of losing other guys attention to cover that up. Love is a scary thing OP, especially when it's so strong. Opening up your heart to a guy and being so vulnerable to getting hurt is quite scary but it's worth the risk.
Look all these questions are best answered by taking the risk. Are you going to remain single forever because you need guys to feed your ego? I doubt it and you may aswell get started with proper relationships now OP, so you can gain the experience that will serve you well into the future.
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A
female
reader, EtTuBrute  +, writes (6 March 2012):
 Yes, that is shallow BUT guess what?! I like male attention too and I've been in a committed relationship for over two years. I probably get hit on a lot more now that I'm taken then when I'm single. It's most likely because I know someone loves me and he makes me feel beautiful. My confidence comes from the inside for the most part but it also comes from my boyfriend. The main thing is that you cannot address the male attention you get. This means no flirting back! You can secretly enjoy the male attention as well as the attention from your boyfriend. I hope that made sense. It may not be the best answer, but I tried to answer in a positive way rather than "You need some self-confidence. Key word is "self." :P
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