A
female
age
41-50,
*achel123
writes:I don't know what to do. I am a 27 year old woman and been with my husband for 6 years (married for one) when we first got together we had good sex. I have heard all about his previous "relationships" they were mainly all one night stands, he had a lot of sex! In the last couple of years our sex life has seriously dwindled to as little as once, at a stretch twice a year. He is only 31 so not is if either of us are very old. A few months ago he told me he really wanted to have a child with me, and of course I was very excited but still the sex hasn't increased. I have been the one to make the move all this time and he pushes me away, which makes me feel incredibly fat and ugly (I am a size 10 :( so that makes me feel awful) I've taken to not eating because I think he thinks I'm fat! I have tried talking to him about it but he either won't talk to me or tells me he doesn't know what the problem is. I ask him if it's me but he always says it isn't and that he loves me. I have a lot of male attention, and of course I don't do anything with them because I love my husband, but it is tempting just for the sex. Please, if anyone can help me....
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (26 July 2008):
 That's true, shouldn't lie. Finances are tough. We're reminded every time we stop for gas. With everything else going on, in a marraige, sometimes you need to step back to the beginning and learn to appreciate eachother again. Love can be magical, but it takes the creation from those within to make it so.
Take care.
A
female
reader, rachel123 +, writes (26 July 2008):
rachel123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for some good advice, I wouldn't act on my temptations because I love my husband and don't find the other men attractive - I think because I love my husband so much. I love the idea of writing out our reasons for marrying each other and going on dates. I agree that we have built our routine around our marriage as well. I know that he has some stress, mainly around financial issues, we have recently purchased our first property together and with the current credit crunch we are struggling (but getting by). He is self employed and I wonder if there is something seriously troubling him about all of it that has made him "lose his drive". I just wish he would open up to me, he clams up every time the conversation crops up and what hurts most is when he is with his friends he does the usual "male thing" and brags about a great sex life (hmm where's that now?) I just think he shouldn't say anything to them rather than brag about a lie??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): Your husband is too young to not have a sex drive! I know one thing for sure, it's not you. Stop trying to change yourself, it won't help. Your husband is the one with a problem.
I hope this isn't the problem, but it seems to be happening all too frequently....does your husband spend a lot of time with porn and masterbation? It seems there are way too many men giving themselves over to this hideous activity as of late. As I said before, I hope this isn't the case, but it is something to look for.
The previous poster pretty much covered the rest of possibilities.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 July 2008):
The first thing you need to do is start telling yourself that your temptations are not the answer, and eliminate that option from your thinking. This will enable you to focus on the issue being inside the marriage, and not seeking a quick fix outside the marriage. You say you love your husband, but acting on temptation can cause you to loose someone you love.
Size 10, and not eating. Why do you see you as being the problem? You're grasping at straws in resolving this, but I believe you're grasping in the wrong direction.
You first need to look at the situation you live in. Work habbits of both of you. Time alone. Time out with friends and family. etc. Map out your activities as a family. There are many reasons why this lack of desire can occure. Over the past couple of years, why changes in side your home took place? Some of the reasons for this are: stress, depression, anxiety, etc. Even pressures from work can cause this.
The problem here is also, and being a man I'm not afraid to admit this, men are not the best at sharing their feelings, or outside the family stresses we may go through. This is difficult for you, because you start feeling as if the problem is you, when it may not have anything to do with you or the marriage.
With that being said, a "zap" needs to serge through your marriage. I want the both of you to change the routine of your marriage. I want both of you to write out, sort of like vowes, why you married the other person and share that with them. You need to get back to the place of intimacy and not a same ole daily activities. I think you should date once a week. One week you choose when and where and what is done. The next week he does. The other person just has to show up and enjoy the plans of the other person.
You two are in love, it's time to act like it. A difficult part of marriage is keeping marriage separate from outside activities. Your not married to work, or bills, or shopping. Your married to eachother. The marriage needs just as much focus as anything else you do. It sounds like you guys have developed routine around your marriage. It's time to break that routine and begin really enjoying the other person and what you can build together. By focusing on eachother and not so much outside activities. I bet you'll start getting it a bit more.
I hope this helps. Take care.
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