A
male
age
30-35,
*oshua.james
writes:so me and my wife are sperated, and have been for 2 weeks. i've already begun to evaluate our assets and im talking with a lawyer on thursday. my head is telling me this is the best thing for me, but my heart desperately wants her back. the reason i think this is the best route is i wasnt happy before and she isnt putting any effort into saving out marriage. ive asked her to go to marriage counseling several times and she wont. but im dieing on the inside and would do anything to hold her again. im so confused. she wont come home or go to counseling but she is still extremely jealous over me and gets upset every time we talk about the seperation. I dont know what to do
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (6 April 2011):
 I don't believe in marriage counseling. Going with intent to fix the problem can help, but most people go just so they can pretend they put in the effort.
You need to find your resolve, here, one way or the other, and immediately act aggressively to pursue the end you choose.
If you choose to fix things with your wife, you need to lay out the terms for her, no negotiating, no arguing, just yes or no. What terms would you expect to repair the marriage? What do you want from her? What are you willing to do? For example, you might demand that she come home, be civil, and actively attempt to have a relationship (talking to you, going out with you, sleeping in the same bed, and so on). In return, you would promise to take her out, to listen when she has a problem (though not necessarily to solve the problem - that's up to your discretion), to take her out, and to woo her. Both of you would have to try to act more like you did when you first met, to do the things that made you fall in love.
Remember, no negotiating. These terms must be precisely what you expect from a marriage.
If she rejects them, or if you decide not to try, you have to aggressively move to protect your assets and to get all legal proceedings over with as fast as possible. In speaking with your lawyer, remember, you can always win something in court and then give it back unofficially; you can always demand something in negotiations, then let her bargain you "down" to what you *really* wanted in the first place. She might not extend the same courtesy, so don't feel any guilt about taking everything if you plan to just give her back what's fair later.
Either way, decide and act now. Dithering just gives ehr the chance to screw you over.
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (6 April 2011):
 You cannot row this boat alone. Your wife has shown no indications that she wants things to work out as much as you do. That should tell you something. The pain gets better with time. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, honestman  +, writes (6 April 2011):
A marriage takes two to work. If she is not willing to make any change at all, or at least try, it is a bad sign. But that does not mean that your marriage is not salvageable. Sometimes, the distance [physical separation] help your marriage to rekindle the flame. Wait for a month or two, and you'll notice how you both crave for each other. Sometimes a healthy distance is necessary to make your wife notice how valuable you are. She'll find out what she is missing, and will surely want to take the changes she needs to take in order to keep you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): Not to worry. Talk to a lawyer on Thursday. On Friday marriage won't seem like such a bad idea.My rule of thumb is that if no one has cheated the marriage is salvageable.
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