A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupidI am married to my current husband for past 3 years and we have known each other for about 6 years He often hangs out with his friends and crash in their place for about a day or two, this happened thrice in past 2 months. His car does not work, so he takes my car and won't come home for 2 days and I'm stuck at home with no car. Our house is kind of middle of nowhere and I need car to go anywhere. When I ask he keeps giving excuses. I do not know if he is cheating on me, how can I confirm without asking him. I dont know his phone password so can't check his phone alsoAll 3 times he did it during the weekend, he never says he stays back, only says he will be back on the Eve but won't come back. I don't feel good about this, did ask him but he keeps saying I am reacting childish, he was tried that's why crashed. When we trying to buy house he wanted to find something close to his friends, but it was so expensive so we were not able to afford it.Sometimes it feels like he loves his friends more than me. He also did say friends are for life , but spouses may not be.I feel alone all the tine , I don't have any family here and I don't have friends. I am not good at making friends , now with pandemic there is no one I can even hang out with. So mostly I hang out with my husband's friends, I can't talk much since they don't understand me very well due to my accent and basically I am a very shy person, sometimes I feel like he is regretting marrying me. I give him space, don't bother him, but still feel he is not happy that's why he is keep hanging out with his friends for 1-2 days in a row, his friends are all married and they don't ever stay away from their home. Am I over reacting, sorry for long post. Please help
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 September 2021):
 Thanks for the update OP
I hope you also spend some of the time you are left to your own devices to figure out if THIS is what you want your life to be. A husband who puts you last. Who thinks nothing of it to leave you stuck without YOUR car for days while he is hanging out with friends. Who does that?!
Focus on where you want to be in life. Job wise, living situation, etc. It doesn't sound like an ideal situation to live in a place that is in the middle of nowhere with only one car. HE needs to get HIS car fixed. HE needs to figure that out. Not just take yours.
You need to find your boundaries and stand up for yourself. Being married takes work, EVERY day. BY both people in the marriage. You are sticking your head in the sand and he is running off. Nothing will get solved this way, nothing will make it better.
Think on what you want.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2021): He is a total asshole and you could do better. So sorry OP. I know it is hard to leave your husband as you are used to him and in some ways are dependent on him. But you need to love yourself more. Your mental health and happiness in life is more important. And he seems to be sucking the happiness and joy out of you. You deserve to be happy. This man does not care about making you happy. He cares about making himself happy. I would venture a guess to say that yes, he is cheating. None of us know for sure but the way he is acting points to him having another or other women out of town and leaving you without a car so that you cannot catch him. I would just leave. Find somewhere to go. Anywhere is better than where you are. And get your life in order. Do not let him talk you into staying with his bullshit words and lies. Actions speak louder than words. And his actions are saying this man wants to be SINGLE. And you are just in his way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2021): Doesnt sound good. I'd suggest you get your financials in order, start to plan your independent life, make a big effort to make friends, build your career etc, basically get yourself into the best possible position to be able to leave him / if he leaves you. My guess would be that he is either cheating on you or respects you so little he doesnt even bother to come home. He sounds very immature. You cant control his behaviour but you can set yourself up for a better life without him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2021): What's all this about I will not know if he is cheating unless I ask him rubbish? Does it not occur to you that men often lie - same as women do. Even when you ask them a question they can lie and say yes when it is no or no when it is yes. I doubt he is cheating - not because he does not want to and cares, but because he is skint, has nothing to offer a woman, has no personality or loyalty or decency, and women usually shun men like that - especially when the are already in a relationship. Are you honestly telling me that a young, attractive and sensible woman would become his bit on the side just because it suits him? Get real.
You have allowed this man to control you as if you are a little kid and he is your father, once you allow a man to do that they lose interest, they see you as a vacuum, a boring person. Moving out into the middle of nowhere when there are a few of you, only one car and you have no job was stupid too. Nobody stops you from getting a work from home job. Start thinking for yourself and being more grown up. It's no good making bad choices and being immature and then running to strangers online for sympathy, most of your problems could have been avoided altogether if you had been more thoughtful before making decisions or agreeing to things.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2021): To add to this, unfortunately whilst it makes you sound like a commodity it is true that the more hard to get items are more valuable and this does apply to humans. It shouldn’t, and this sounds like a cliched quote, but unfortunately a lot of people use nice, available people instead of cherishing them for their values. That’s their problem, but not one that can be changed, it’s their moral code. I’m not saying play mind games to be valuable, but as stated, try and follow Honeypie’s steps and that value will come naturally. You may even find at the end he’s not worthy of you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers, he did pick up my calls or returned my calls/text when he was at his friends place. As I have mentioned we kind of live right on highway, nothing in walking distance or even walkable. so i was stuck at home 3 days in a row (on my long weekend). When he left for his friends place, plan was for him to return back on the same day, that is why I agreed that he takes my car. But he was working the next day, so instead of coming home he went to work from his friends place and crashed back again on his friends place the next day and the next day. It would be good if I atleast had pet at home to keep me company but he does not agree since he is worried they will die. Year back his dog died (of old age) and he took it very very hard.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 September 2021):
I think you have come to realize that marrying this guy was a mistake.
This is my guess. You thought he would change after marriage. Spend more time with you and less with his friends. You thought he married you because he cares. He doesn't REALLY. He cares about himself more than anyone.
Do you work? If not, GET a job. GET some financial independence from him. Also if you are working, HE can't just take your car for days. He will have to FIX his own.
Find things you enjoy doing by yourself. A hobby you CAN share with others. Something you can also DO all by yourself. You might even find something that can turn a profit.
You also need to set some boundaries. He can't just take your car and be gone for a day or two without having agreed to it WITH you prior. It's just not OK.
Making friends can be difficult, I get that - that is why the whole hobby thing would be good to pursue so you can MEET others who enjoy the same thing.
You don't HAVE to hang out with his friends if you don't enjoy it. I'm not sure what accent you have that makes communication hard.
You put a LOT of your own feelings on him. Like HE isn't happy with marriage to you. I think YOU are not really happy so you presume he isn't either.
It's NOT because you are shy, YOU were shy BEFORe marriage too, right? So that shouldn't come as a surprise to your husband.
And you NEED to talk to him. TELL him how you feel. TELL him how his actions affect you. If he dismisses them and you, maybe... you need to consider if this is going to work out for you or not. Long term. You can not CHANGE another person or MAKE them into someone they are not. Neither can he.
Honestly? Your husband possibly cheating is the LEAST of your issues.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2021): Typo correction:
"We are to believe there wasn't a single red-flag, clue, or deal-breaker that put the [brakes] on marriage."
P.S.
In many cases, I assume these demonic-husbands Op's write about were always lousy boyfriends; but he happened to propose. Their marriage proposal is accepted, because they've been together for so long. Being together is by force of habit, not based on love or trust. Even though the relationship was always rocky. Might as well marry him! No telling how long, if ever, anybody else will ask.
Presumably, that's the usual notion.
Other reasons are because of children, or it's a marriage of convenience. There is some advantage or benefit to be had.
This kind of life is what these crappy-marriages usually come down to. He purposely becomes the worst husband he can be; because he's forcing you to divorce him. You don't treat someone you love like you've described he's treating you. You don't deserve this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2021): Posts of your type are very common here at DC. The common thread in almost all of these posts is that the wives knew their husbands long before they married them. Once they got married, then all of a sudden, they change into drunks, cheaters, become neglectful, and disrespectful; and the list can go-on forever. Yet never in the prior years these couple's were together, did these men show any of this behavior.
We are to believe there wasn't a single red-flag, clue, or deal-breaker that put the breaks on marriage. These men magically transformed into husbands from hell only after a few years of marriage.
I'm not so naive as to believe these guys transformed from great boyfriends to fantastic fiancés; only to become dreadful husbands! They were who they are now all along! Only now you can't just dump them; you've got to go through divorce proceedings.
This guy was never a match for you from the start. You're apparently too timid or passive to stand-up to him. You have no friends or family to support you; so now he's all you've got. He knows it. He can treat you any old-way; and he knows you can't do a thing about it, but sit home upset.
You can't change him. You don't have the assertiveness or fortitude to confront him; so you have to call a lawyer. Then you're going to have to save some money and find a way to return to your family; or at least return to your native country.
You've married the wrong-man; and my guess is that he didn't change, he always was a jerk. You probably gave-up everything to be with him. I bet your family hates him!
Divorce him, and go home.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (7 September 2021):
 I can't believe that he has the audacity to call you childish, it is blatantly obvious that he is the childish one.
He is showing you a complete lack of respect, and is treating you very badly, i think that you deserve better.
Friends are for life but spouses may not be. What a horrible thing to say to your wife. This shows what sort of person he is, he needs to grow up and realise that he has a wife and a marriage that needs working on. It seems that he is the only one that does this, as it seems the other men are all respectful to their wives, unlike him.
Have you ever called him while he is away?. Does he answer or is he unobtainable?.
There are a lot of issues that need addressing in this marriage, so you need to try to talk to him and set some boundries. Him taking your car and leaving you housebound is not on.
I feel if he is not willing to change then maybe its time to call this marriage a day.
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A
female
reader, Alwin  +, writes (7 September 2021):
 "Sometimes it feels like he loves his friends more than me. He also did say friends are for life , but spouses may not be. __ Honestly IDK why some people put up with this clear disregard. Once you're married, your family comes first, SOME friends are for life, but one expects that the marriage will be for life, who gets married thiking about divorce? If someone does that, it's very concerning. To me this kind of statement shows that hes not really commited to this relationship and you're not really a priority to him.
"I feel alone all the tine , I don't have any family here and I don't have friends"
" I give him space, don't bother him, but still feel he is not happy that's why he is keep hanging out with his friends"
Do you want to wal on eggshells afraid of "bothering" your entire life? He does seem to prefer the company pf his friends to you and you feel alone in this marriage, you should talk to him about that, if he's not willing to change that perhaps this marriage is really doomed.
Married life implies spending time in each others company, if he doesnt like that, what is there to be done? If I were you I would start making plans for the divorce, he may not leave you now but since you're not high on his priority list it could be anytime.
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