A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need to know what is going on with my relationship. I have been with this guy for a little over a year, well after some miscommunication it's a little less. We are "taking it slow". In saying that i don't mean we don't have sex. Slow (and I was confused by this) meaning we are together, we're monogamous, but he wasn't necessarily going to be there for me at all times (3rd shift job, the stresses of his job, and buying a house). But starting out the relationship it wasn't like that of course. Everything was great. We actually went out. Then he would stop calling, wouldn't answer his phone, wouldn't return my calls untill 2 maybe 3 weeks later at times, and would get mad at me for being mad at him for ignoring me.After a 2 week break he calls me and said the whole "taking it slow". we made a compromise that we woud still try to see each other atleast 1-2 times a week (i'm in school and have a job so i am comfortable with that). so of course everything is good for a few more months and then he's back to not calling at all, nor returning my phone calls, promising me that he's going to take me places and not follow through, and saying he will call me and doesn't. So we have another talk. He agreed he will call and see me more often. Now, a month ago I go drive to his house and upon pulling up to the drive way i call to let him i'm there but i ask "who's all here". He gets angry with me; yelling at me about how that is such a stupid question, why i ask such stupid questions all the time, and things to that extent. I tell him back that it is a simple question just can't figure out why he is picking a fight with me. He called me again that night to argue some more. The next afternoon he called to apologize saying he was drunk and just stressed out and pretty much took it out on me. I forgave. Now currently, my ex-bf who is also my best friend, comes to town from corpus to consol me because my father had recently died. it so happened to be his brother-in-law's b-day. I joined them at a strip club. Me, my friend, his sister, her husband, and their friends were there. We had fun and afterwards we went to my friends parents house(who live in town) and i fell asleep there; i would'nt have been able to drive anyway since i wasn't sober. Next day i'm driving home and i notice my boyfriend called at 1:45 and 2am so i call him back. the first thing he said when he picked up was "so look who finally decides to call" so i tell him where i was and what happened. But he didn't believe me. he asked "where was your phone", "you always have your phone on you","you stayed at his parents?", "i don't believe any of this". but i told him i had my phone in my purse and i didn't want to bring my phone with me; that all i brought was my ID. he thought that i purposly didn't answer his calls. and the fact that at the moment when he asked where my purse was and my answer was "either in my car or the house" (because i honestly couldn't remember at that moment) really made him believe that i fabricated the whole story. so he kept saying he can't take my b/s, that i'm never truthful to him, that i never answer when my ex is in town, and that the relationship is pretty much over. Now mind you he had hung up on me twice and wouldn't answer when i tried calling him. So now i'm stuck debating if he's just stressing like last time, or is cheating on me so he has to pick a fight this way to end it.and why he had to do this when i'm already stressed with the passing of my dad and the burden of school.
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female
reader, jabey  +, writes (7 February 2007):
Gosh, sadly sounds like in this relationship there is a lot of mistrust, and really a good relationship should be based on trusting each other. It does not sound as though he is cheating on you, because in my opion, rather than pick a fight and worry about you not answering the phone, these things, if he was cheating would not worry him. And surely he would just end the realtionship with you.
Think what you need to do is back away for a while. maybe just send a text or leave a message, telling him you love him and you are sorry if he was concerned about you not answering your calls. Tell him that he really has nothing to worry about in the case of your male friend, as it sounds as though he is jealous and insecure over this friendhip. Tell him you really want to be with him. Then say the ball is in his court and you will leave him until he is ready to call you.
Back away and give him some space. In the meantime try to get out and have some fun. Find yourself and your confidence, remember all the great things about yourself and who you are. This way when he returns to you which I know he will, you will be stronger to deal with the relationship. You can then feel less needy of him, and try to trust him. If he breaks that trust then he is the fool. But we cannot accuse anyone of anything or worry about things that may or may not be going on. If we worry and stress about what we dont know, then this can often destroy a relationship anyway. Be cool and confident.
If you really want to be with him, its time to chill, let him do his thing, you do yours. Have independance in your relationship, this will amke you more attractive and also, make you happier. Try not to rely on him. I am sure you have lots of friends, spend time with the good ones.
Good luck, its sounds like you are having a difficult time. But be strong and self reliant this way whether you are with him or not you will feel happier. Its quite obvious you have not heard the last of him, be calm and agree with him. He needs your reassurance to. Take care darling Im sure things will work out for the best xx
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