A
male
age
30-35,
*luenote109
writes:I'd always considered myself a straight man but I guess what I'm about to say kind of disputes that a bit.So for the last 5-6 years I've basically been in love with my best friend who is also a man. I knew the entire time that he wasn't gay and yet despite trying I can't stop loving him.Now he has a girlfriend and I've been a pretty bad best friend and barely asked him anything about her or even talked to him much since I found out as hearing her name is painful.Basically I've slipped into a bit of self loathing and depression about the whole situation mainly because I knew it was never going to come to anything and yet I still walked blindly into the trap I knew I would eventually come across.What I'm asking is what do you think I should do? I don't really want to tell him how I feel as that would put a black mark on his relationship and I want him to be happy.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2016): Okay first of all you could have a man crush and like a spoilt child don't like sharing your best friend...... we've all been victim of not wanting to share something or someone.Have you had sexual thoughts of your friend have you masterbated over him, ever tried to sneak a peak at his penis and get turned on.... if answer is no they it's a man crush if answer is yes get him at your place alone for a night get wasted and tell him your bi/gay/curious if his drink enough he might get curious....... it don't always work but did with me and a guy.If you consider yourself straight then I advise that you explore guys to see if it is for you...... you don't have to come out if you are gay you'll do that when your ready however you need to embrace and be comfortable and confident with who you are. IIt took me a crush on a guy and to actually see a future with him for me to get comfortable with my sexuality and I was only 23 then I still haven't come out but waiting for a guy worth coming out for..... I'm bi
A
male
reader, Bluenote109 +, writes (23 December 2016):
Bluenote109 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone for your answers they've given me a fair amount to think about.
In answer to Slippers' questions, yes I definitely need him as a friend which is another reason why I haven't spoken to him about it. Yeah I think his gf has already made a huge impact on our friendship. I think it's also hard to know that suddenly I'm not someone's favourite person anymore and anything the two of us would have done before the two of them are now doing and I'm left completely out of the picture.
Oh and yes I have thought sexually about him in that way but I don't really see any other men and think anything like that so I still have no idea if I'm actually even bisexual or if it's just him.
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (23 December 2016):
First off, it's a good thing you're getting a better grasp of your sexuality. I myself am bisexual and it took me a while to dig through the layers of societal conditioning and pressure from my family to really admit to myself that I am also attracted to people of the same sex. So try to be nice to yourself and accept that this is part of you and that there's absolutely nothing wrong or special about it.
Being in love with your friend when you are certain he doesn't return your feelings is hard. However impossible it may seem right now, you will get past this infatuation, but part of that is letting yourself.
Right now, you're beating yourself up for looking at the 'forbidden fruit' so to say. This is not productive and will not help you get over him faster.
So instead of avoiding any conversation about his girlfriend and her for that matter, try to engage. What really helped me get over people I could never have was to interact with them AND their girlfriend/boyfriend and seeing them happy with that person, and also getting to know that person so I couldn't write them off as two-dimensional cardboards in my head. I would start to get used to seeing them together and it got less painful over time once I really got it through my head that friendship was the best I could get from them, and being okay with that.
In the end, you want your friend to be happy, even if it's not with you. So try to elevate the goal of your friend's happiness above your own wish to be with him.
Also, if you feel stuck in this cycle of depression and self loathing, please do talk to a professional. I myself have had to deal with depression and wasted precious time trying to deal with it on my own while I was sinking faster and faster. Going to therapy has helped me a lot.
Good luck OP, and for what it's worth, many people have been where you are and that might not make it suck any less, but you're not alone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2016): It's pretty common that early on when coming to terms with our feelings for the same-sex, we attach them to a friend.
It's safe, they're familiar, in close-proximity, and it's
convenient. Although, not sensible or practical when they don't feel the same.
Your friend may have attracted you physically from the very start; then you became emotionally-attached as time passed. Your story has been told many times over. The outcome is not always the same; but it can be predictable if you behave yourself. Real friendship is still there, it's the physical-attraction you have to get a handle on.
The crush or infatuation eventually fades over time; when the subconscious-mind comes to terms with the fact that hanging on is futile. It isn't fair to torture yourself, if your friendship really started from a crush in the first place. Be that the case, you set yourself up emotionally; and knew it would eventually come to this. Desire has a way of lying to us; and convincing us through fantasy that some magical turn of events will produce what we wish for.
In our youth, we tend to want what we can't have so bad, sometimes we agonize over it. The depression you feel may not be true depression; it's mostly frustration. You know he's straight, you also know you had ulterior-motives when you initiated the friendship. Wanting to hold him in your arms, kiss, and do sexual things to him; while presenting a facade of a bromance.
Now you're caught in your own trap. The good news is, you'll get over him. You'll surrender to the reality of wanting someone who isn't attracted to you in the same way. That reality will be further reinforced if you simply ignore the yearning. You can do it. You'll lie to yourself and say you can't. The truth is, you don't really want to.
Too bad. You can't always get what you want.
Time to put some distance between you and your friend; which is going to happen anyway. Simply because he now has someone else to occupy his spare-time. She is his love-interest, and supplies his need for sexual and emotional pleasure.
As a gay man, I was also in denial of my sexual-attraction towards men; although it began at a very young age. I dated and had sex with females, and denied my other urges for a very long-time.
Yes, I too felt attraction toward some straight-male acquaintances; but I can't say I ever fell in-love. I wouldn't allow myself to fall in-love with anyone; until I could deal with my true feelings and accept who I am.
If your best friend has exhibited homophobic-behavior, you should refrain from sharing that information about yourself. Wait until you have personally come to terms with your sexual-orientation. His reaction will only add to your discomfort and anxiety.
Deal with accepting yourself. Decide if you're even ready to explore that side of who you are. I would even recommend that you join a LGBT discussion-group to familiarize yourself with same-sex attraction, and how to deal with the depression and inner-conflict. Listen to others. You're not alone. Most of us have gone through that stage of it first. There are lots of local LGBT and transgender organizations to help young people who are not yet out, but still not certain of their sexual-orientation. You simply go online and search them out. Contrary to twisted misconceptions, they are not gay-recruiters. You either feel sexual-attraction for the same sex, or you don't. You can't be forced to.
There are some who attribute their homosexuality to sexual-molestation, or extended imprisonment. We have to make room for those exceptions; their plight is due to trauma at a very young age, or due to rape. I am only talking about those who discover those yearnings within themselves with no outside or unwanted influences.
Do not go online for hookups or to gay bars just yet. You can't jump-in with both feet; if you are still undergoing your inner-conflict about your sexual-preference. You will be shocked, or frustrate someone else.
Some gay men are are very unkind, or will exploit your naiveté. You ease your way into self-acceptance, and ease your way out of the closet. Contrary to the flag-waivers and hard-nosed advocates; everyone doesn't have to know; because everyone does not want to, or cares.
It is not a phase, it is not a choice. You can suppress it; but it only gets stronger and stronger when ignored; because it is part of your true nature.
That is only arguable amongst theologians and academics who are not gay. Like being pregnant. Only a woman can get pregnant. Females have no idea what it's like, until they have been pregnant. You know what it is, you can imagine what a pregnant woman must feel; but you have to be pregnant to understand fully what it's like, and what the mind thinks during that experience. Otherwise you can only theorize based on what you're told, were taught, or read about it. I feel the same about gender and sexual-orientation. Bisexuals can tell you what being attracted to both genders is like; but unless your mind is wired that way, you won't understand why.
Those claiming to be cured of it, can only provide anecdotal-evidence. No one can read their minds. Like a prisoner sitting before a parole-board, a mental-patient before a psychiatric review panel; or a subject in a survey. You can tell them whatever they want to hear.
Your friendship was created partially from a same-sex attraction. You allowed your feelings to mature into stronger attraction by maintaining the relationship under false-pretenses. Only, lying to yourself is pointless. Our parents never prepare us for this, because they presume you will be 100% heterosexual; and they don't want to encourage you to be otherwise. Sometimes acceptance comes from love; and sometimes because there is no other option.
Give your friend some distance and allow him to establish his new relationship. Read everything you can, and see your doctor just to be sure your depression doesn't require medical-attention.
I think getting LGBT-counseling helps people who are conflicted, or are reaching a point of self-loathing. Hating yourself serves no purpose. You are as much a part of humanity as any other person. Hate and intolerance for race, color, sexual-orientation, religion, and nationality are all a fact of life; and should not detract from the fact you are entitled to your civil-rights, love, and happiness. Just as much as any other human being on this planet.
It starts with loving and accepting yourself first. Then you have to man-up and face the fact you can't have your friend, who is heterosexual and has a girlfriend. Being resentful is childish and foolish. He will not change to suit you, no more than you will change to suit what he thinks you should be. In time, you will gain the courage to accept yourself, and you will let him know. If he chooses not to accept it, the planet is populated with millions who do.
The tides will turn, if you do remain friends; and you may eventually come out to him. He will be jealous that another guy could come along and offer you much more than he can. He will no longer hold that special place.
Your life and existence doesn't rest on the judgement of a few people, or even society. There is something not acceptable about everyone. Most choose to hide or camouflage it. Many who are intolerable, are disgusting and perverse in-secret. They are first to rush to judgment of others. Be a fly on the wall. You wouldn't believe what you saw.
Younger people in your age-group, millennials, find accepting rejection or denial of what they want harder to contend with. More so than any other age-group. You have been conditioned by social media, age-specific advertising/ brainwashing, and financial-privilege; to feel entitled. So giving-up something you want or being refused; is excruciating, and seems almost impossible to overcome.
Some things are not meant to be. Sometimes people do not reciprocate our feelings or attraction. A large segment of humanity is heterosexual, while another large segment is bisexual or homosexual. Like it or not, whether we accept it or not, those are the facts of life. So allow yourself to find someone who shares your feelings.
If you feel better suppressing those feelings for now; do so. Until you feel safe enough and strong enough to come to terms with them, or to explore them. Seek counseling to help yourself to adjust to your overwhelming inner-conflict and self-hatred. Give-up on feelings for people who do not, or will not, reciprocate them.
That's part of being a sober and responsible adult. You need a little more time and experience under your belt. You are now undergoing that life-lesson.
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (23 December 2016):
Hmm ita hard to love someone and not have that returned the same way . Its difficult to know whether you are gay or whether your emotionally attached to your friend .. have you wanted to kiss him ..have sex with him .. feel him touching you .. These maybe hard q's it's just that you say you thought of yourself as straight and it's a way of working through .. If you haven't and those thoughts make you feel not very right then maybe it's more of a deep emotional attachment you have with your friend .
I think you need to work out which it is .. but before you blurt out anything .. you have to weigh up the consequences of what your about to say ..
As once said you can never take this back ..
How much do you need him as a friend in your life ?
Do you feel his gf will come between the friendship . Are there already dynamic changes ?? Is he your only friend?? These could be heightening your feelings of what you think is gay love
You may be gay but it's the fact you never thought you were .
I would say take some me time and straighten your head out .. you could even text him as say your busy with family over the festive period and him with his gf .. catch up say a fortnight and take that time to really look at .. what this is your feeling
If it is love and he isn't gay or gor those kind of feelings .. and they have just exploded on you .. then maybe you need to walk away .. I don't normally say that to people who been friends as friendship to me is so important it's like oxygen and he may be devestated that you have feeling he may even feel the friendship was a lie ..
Just be careful here .. take stock .. If you need to slowly move on and let him do the same .. sometime friendship can run there course .
If you can or wish to answer the other points I've asked haha please do so but only if you want to
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (23 December 2016):
Hmm ita hard to love someone and not have that returned the same way . Its difficult to know whether you are gay or whether your emotionally attached to your friend .. have you wanted to kiss him ..have sex with him .. feel him touching you .. These maybe hard q's it's just that you say you thought of yourself as straight and it's a way of working through
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