A
female
age
51-59,
*Shaw
writes:I'm a divorced woman who was married for 27 years. I got married at 17, so I've had little relationship experience. I've been divorced for just under 2 years now. I have a boyfriend who I just said yes to marrying. What bothers me about my fiance is how much in contact he keeps with his ex's. He checks in with his third wife, whom he has no kids with, to see how she is dong and stuff like that, and comments to her on facebook and texts, and probably calls her too. He also seems to have re-written their history together ( through comments he makes now and then to me), speaking much better of their past relationship now, since divorcing. There divorce was finalized about 8 months ago. He also is friendly with other ex's who he has no children with, namely I noticed he added an ex-fiance of his to an issue-based facebook group page he set up, along with me, and the third ex-wife.My ex husband and I are connected through our 4 children, 2 of them are still young, while 2 of them are grown adults now. We keep our contact related to the care and visitation of the two young kids, and nothing personal. Is my fiance's contact with his ex's normal? He has been married 3 times. He has told me previously that this has been an issue to other women for him in relationships before, however this was before it became concerning to me. What do you think? Thank you.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (24 December 2016):
 I think it's too soon over all. You were only divorced for about 6 months before dating again and he wasn't even divorced yet. Keep dating, but I still think the engagement is way too soon. He and his exes obviously get engaged and married too soon, hence the number of failed marriages. If you don't want to be in another one, I'd suggest taking the ring off, explaining why and not getting engaged again for at least a year.
Work on yourself, your education and independence. Do the things you didn't do because you got married too young.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2016): What is the rush to get married? To prove you can be 'the one'? (The fourth). I got divorced 4 years ago after 18 year marriage so I know how it affects your esteem. Easy to grab at something. I'm still single because I dated very early after divorce and was making bad choices so I stopped and decided to work on my life. Now I'm ready. Stop. Take your time!!.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2016): Wow... I would definitely be taking a step back.
He goes through marriages that quickly? I would be REALLY careful before going forward.
Yes the contact would bother me. That is how some people are though, they think close friendships with exes are ok. Others say once a lover always a lover, you can never be close friends and keep those memories alive.
You are not comfortable with him being best pals with his 3 women. And if he is that close to them why not stay married? Sounds like he just gets tired and moves on to the next.
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A
female
reader, KShaw +, writes (23 December 2016):
KShaw is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for the answers! I think its good advice for me to slow things down, and put off any wedding for the near future.He's been married 3 times, and I know that's not a good sign,but to be fair his 2nd and 3rd wives were married multiple times before him as well. He was husband number 4 for his third wife. We have been dating for 1 1/2 years, he was separated and living apart from his ex-wife when we began dating, but not officially divorced until 8 months ago. I've known him a little bit socially for four years. We have a whole lot in common with each other in terms of our hobbies and interests. I'm surprised that he finds the time for the communication because of all the attention and time that he gives to me, which seems like a whole lot to me.I've been planning to have this conversation with him, and I will be doing it soon. And to Ciar, I understand what you mean by asking why I want to be married again after spending more then half my life married already. I believe if I had made better decisions earlier in my life and had an education and a well paying career I would stay single. I would still be dating my boyfriend because I really enjoy his company and I love him, but I wouldn't be thinking of marriage at this point. BTW, I'm not implying that he is wealthy, because he certainly is not. Thank you everyone!
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (23 December 2016):
 I'd want to know the primary reason for his 3 divorces and how long did he wait and remarry? It appears he can’t go without a woman as ANY WOMAN will do to give him comfort. In my books 3 times is a looser and I'd be extremely cautious of jumping into marriage with such a man who evidently has not learnt from previous mistakes; keeping in contact with Ex’s with whom he has no children.
Plus it's not even a year, but 8 months after his divorce was final and he's already down on bended knee proposing for a 4TH time - I hear WARNING BELLS not wedding bells!
I understand after 27 years of marriage it's a long time to have lived under the rules of this institution... therefore when a proposal comes along as in this case; you say yes as that's all you've experienced since 17 years of age. I'm not saying you don't have feelings for this guy... It's the type of man you said yes to, someone who has a very questionable character.
Let’s say you not leap into this frying pan, but turn it down to a simmer... he’s boiled and burnt this pot 3 times already! It’s not a good sign how quick he likes to turn up the heat with No.4 and keeps simmering his Ex's, 1-2-3.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 December 2016):
 The fact that he even brought it UP that it was a problem in the previous relationships should tell you that HE KNOWS it may not BE very smart in a relationship to keep THAT close tabs on your exes.
Di you tell him, Oh no it's not a problem? If so I think you need to sit him down and talk about it again. YOU talk to your ex because there are kids, what is his "excuse"?
There are some people who can remain friends after a divorce, usually though it takes YEARS to move past whatever caused the divorce and make friends.
He's been divorced 3 times. It's ONLY been 8 months since the LAST divorce was final, it's WAY WAY too soon to get married again. Unless you want to be ex-wife #4 in a little while. GO slow. WHAT is the hurry?
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (23 December 2016):
"He checks in with his third wife, whom he has no kids with, to see how she is dong and stuff like that, and comments to her on facebook and texts, and probably calls her too."
So three times he did not learn his lesson, and now it's four times.
He has already began to show you where this marriage is going. I get that people hold on to the past. But he is about to get married, and he is finding time to bond with his ex...knowing very well what it would do to you.
Ask yourself this... You were divorce once...would like to do it a 2nd time?
These warning are coming before you get married...keep that in mind.
"He has told me previously that this has been an issue to other women for him in relationships before"
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (23 December 2016):
 And yes, his contact with his exes does seem excessive. He's someone who likes a lot of attention, I gather, and old grievances fade with the passage of time.
Easy come/easy go with him.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (23 December 2016):
I think it's a bit much, and that given that it's been 8 months and you're soon to be wife number 4, I would most definitely SLOW this right down.
As an aside, why would you want to marry anyway? You've been there and done that for 27 years. Why would you want jump into all that again?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (23 December 2016):
This should totally concern you. You've been divorced for only two years and are already engaged again, whilst he's been divorced for a tiny 8 months and is already working on wife number 4!
OP, if you like this guy, I really think you need to give the ring back and say you appreciate it, but want to move slower. He has a poor track record of marrying people and divorcing them. It doesn't mean he's a bad guy, but you should take things slower.
How long have you been dating?
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