A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:5 years ago i met this guy, we hit it off straight away - he was seeing someone else at the time. Couple of months later they had finished and he asked me out - i declined saying i had to much exams and work commitments - he slept with someone else that night. 3 months later he moved away but we kept in touch through phone/txts then one day through a friend i found out he was engaged after seeing this girl for 2 months! I moved away too for uni - a year later he gets in touch again, we meet up and get on well - so decide to stay friends. 2 years later we meet up again - for the first time sleeping together, he then returns back to his fiance and spilts up with her. We start seeing each other for 3 months, he invited me down for xmas and i meet his family.Things going really well - my xmas present tickets for us both to see our favourite band togehter. Xmas night he goes to the pub with male friends and doesnt return till the next morning. I was very angry and try to finish with him but he wants to stay together. We sleep together that night, then next day he says he wants space and if i care about him i will wait. Anyways a month later i find out he is seeing a new girl(happened to be where he went on xmas day! so not only did he cheat on me but now on her!) but also he lied saying he had sold the band tickets but is now taking his new girlfriend to see them. I also found out he had never been monogamous.I txtd him telling him what i thought of him i.e lying and cheating and very unhappy and insecure person and left it at that.But how now do i move on?Im still soo angry! How can someone lie and cheat so much? What is the best thing to do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Ted-ster  +, writes (16 February 2009):
You should be angry -- with yourself, for being a dope. Clearly this guy keeps ALL his options open with women, and is patient -- Don't women see these types of players from a mile away?!? I think they do, and just pretend not to. You clearly saw the pattern, as you described, so why the lack of judgment? I am always dumbfounded by women who let themselves get used, and then wonder why they were used. Not all men are like this. Start making better choices.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): The best thing to do is to learn to pay attention to all the red flags this guy has given you, he is a player and he has so many women and has been engaged a couple of times and he is still asking you out and you are sleeping with him even after being angry that he stayed out all night.....even I am confused.
One thing you have to realize is we women sometimes assume a guy is monogomous when he isn't. I don't see here in your story that he ever asked you to be sexually exclusive with him or that neither of you could date other people....so in his mind he isn't cheating he is simply dating.
Men don't see relationships the way we do. They don't put a lot of importance on events, having sex is not a milestone to them in a relationship and does not mean, now I will be faithful to you. In fact they can even call you a girlfriend to make sure that you don't run off and date any one else, but they still see the relationship as "for now" and think that they are just dating you. Until marriage is on the table and a ring is on your finger, they are just dating you.
If you are looking to get married or find the man who will be your happy ever after, you may want to consider not falling into this girlfriend trap and keep dating a number of men until you find the one you love and the one who will claim you, who tells you that you are the ONE they want to be with for life.
Even if the other guy you see the most doesn't like it.
You have the freedom to choose to date whom ever you want, you can even date yourself. Your focus should never be on a man, it should be on YOU and your life as it is your responsibility to make yourself happy, and if some guy doesn't step up to the plate for you, then the best thing to do is to say NEXT......another one will be by in a minute to ask you out.
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