A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys I'm in bit of a pickle right now ..I was in a relationship with a guy for about 2 years and we had a pretty bad break up. He told me many things, I told him many things, he was hurt, I was hurt and we just stopped talking. However, I got into another relationship one month later after the break up. He's a great guy, we'll be completing 9 months this month. But at times I still miss my ex. My ex and I were very good friends something that's missing between me and my current guy.Sometime back my ex text me and we got talking and told me how much he misses me and apologised for everything he did. He even came to meet me spending three sleepless nights. And the fact is I miss him too. I apologised as well. We both realized that what happened was very unfortunate and he asked me can't I come back to him. My current guy said that maybe I should just go back to him cuz we have such great bonding but I feel very wrong! How can I leave my current guy and go back to him ? It's just not morally right. So I asked my ex to go away from my life and he did. But since that time I've been missing him even more. Every time I'm upset all I want is for my ex to be there ..Why is this happening ?? And what can I do to fix this ??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): Your old boyfriend didn't know what was bothering you before you told him. When you get used to someone, you learn their habits. You're familiar with their quirks; and anticipate their reactions. You were over-emotional and predictable.
The new guy may not respond to you the same way; because he doesn't know you that well. Perhaps he doesn't cater to drama queens. He prefers you to act like a woman, instead of a girl. He senses your strength; and just standing back to allow you to go through your emotions. Hopefully toward getting over your ex. He'll be standing-by in-case you need him. I think he has put your happiness before his. Your new comments indicate you are unappreciative that he has.
Don't get it confused. He is a different guy, and he doesn't have follow your ex-boyfriends footsteps.
To say what you said about him, really isn't fair. He doesn't have to do one darn thing like your ex-bf used to do it. Now you sound a bit spoiled.
If you really see things that way, then you're admitting you only used him as a fill-in. Just to replace your boyfriend. Not accepting him for his own qualities, and based on his own merit. How would it feel, if he compared you to prettier more mature females he used to be with? That would cut like a knife.
You said he lacks things; because he doesn't do it like your ex-boyfriend. He doesn't know how to keep you happy?
Until your ex entered the picture, you were pretty happy.
If you're down to making comparisons, he shouldn't feel guilty. He should feel insulted and hurt. He doesn't understand, he just says he does. He may be realizing his own mistakes by now.
You may not have to breakup with him after-all. He may come to his senses, and just leave you to go back with your ex. You've been very unkind to him. Pining over your ex in-front of him. Then claiming he understands. If he's a nice guy, what would you expect from him? He's just trying to be understanding and patient with you. You're taking that for granted.
You make comparisons and say he has failed to make you happy. That's not very nice. Not at all.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (20 April 2014):
 I love this post on how to get over your ex: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-your-ex.html
There is also this one: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-got-dumped-and-i-know-how-.html and this one: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/when-will-i-finally-get-over-the-breakup.html
If you do a search here: http://www.dearcupid.org/search "how to get over an ex" you'll see lots and lots of answers as to how to move on.
One thing that you shouldn't do is try to make another person responsible for your happiness… your current boyfriend deserves to be liked for himself, and not as a crutch for you to try to recapture the OOOOOHHH SOOO GOOOOODDD feelings…
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 April 2014):
You've already hurt him, he's suggested you go back to the ex.
I think you need to let the current boyfriend go, you are clearly in a rebound relationship and that's just not fair to him.
You can then be free to work out if the feelings for the ex are nostalgia or a real connection. Though if you both hurt each other by saying awful things I wonder if you are really mature enough just yet for a solid relationship?
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe you guys are right .. but the thing is I don't wanna go back to him .. I just miss the times we had cuz they were SOOOOOOO GOOD!
My EX understood me completely even before I could say anything to him .. that's where my current boyfriend seem to lack. He understands this and then in turn feels guilty for not being able to "keep me happy"
I REALLY don't want to hurt him but I can't seem to get over my ex's thoughts!
How do I do that ??
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2014): You entered a new relationship before you were completely over your ex. You needed someone to replace him and comfort you.
You were avoiding the bad feelings from your breakup.
These are feelings on the rebound. People often rush into new relationships after they breakup. The hate feeling alone. They don't like the depression and sadness; or the grief that is the result of loss. The separation is pure torture. You miss them terribly.
Your new boyfriend has many good qualities, so he became your substitute. A bandage over your heart. Someone who could just fill-in for your missing ex, fight off the loneliness, and make you feel loved. Keep those endorphins flowing, the feel-good chemicals in the brain that are produced when you're in-love.
You don't think of your new boyfriend when you are upset, you want for your ex. That is proof that your new relationship is on the rebound. You should be completely over the ex; before you break the heart of someone else who will attach to you and care for you.
You're longing for your ex now, and he is handing you a boatload of bullsh*t about how he wants you back. He only wants to take away what you've found. He could have fixed the old relationship before you broke-up. If he wanted you, that was the time to show you how he felt. Not when you have the chance to start over.
You want to believe that jerk; because you never got over him. Regardless of who is to blame for the breakup; the fact is, it ended badly. That's a sign that it was bad for both of you and it didn't work. Now he's lonely, he didn't find anyone to replace you; so now you're important to him.
After the fact!!!
Now you feel you have to stick it out with the new guy, not really feeling him in your heart the way you should. Staying with him out of guilt and obligation. Not out of love, as you should.
Maybe once your ex-boyfriend is out of the way, you can focus your feelings where they now belong. Not being completely over him, you are vulnerable when you hear from him. Fight it with everything you've got. Don't let your feelings control you, control your feelings. You found someone new.
You would be better off to let the new guy go. If your heart really isn't in it. You are lying to him; and to yourself. You know where you'd rather be. Your ex is stirring up trouble. He doesn't really want you back.
He doesn't like the fact that you were able to find someone willing to care for you, and he was so easily replaced. Your urgency to find a new boyfriend didn't allow you to fully detach from the old one, and now your feelings have been re-ignited by his apology, and sugar-coated "I want you back" speech. Flush his apology down the toilet.
He should have apologized before breaking-up with you. You both should have been able to find a way to work it out. That didn't happen; so it only means that relationship was not meant to be. If you went back to him, it would be only a matter of weeks or months before you're back to fighting. You are both too immature to fix it. You both have some growing up to do.
You made a mess of your last relationship, now get the new one right from what you've learned.
So you're better off to leave it alone, and let that old relationship fade into the past. It is over. For good!
The new boyfriend is right. You should go back to your ex rather than making him feel second-best in your heart. Knowing you really miss someone else. Think of how you're making him feel. Would you want someone make you feel that way?
If I was your new boyfriend, I would leave you. I would rather have nothing, than have you stay with me out of pity. I would rather see you really happy, than staying with me just because you don't want to hurt my feelings. It would hurt me more to see you unhappy. It would also hurt me to see you return to him, and he didn't treat you right.
He would have to respect your choice; because it is also partly his fault to commit to someone who so recently broke-up with another guy. He should know you needed some time to heal and get over your ex. That was the gamble he took with his own feelings. So it's really not all your fault. But fault really isn't the issue here. It's your feelings, and his feelings. Someone could get hurt.
You are very young. So you don't realize all this complicated stuff I'm telling you. You will learn in time; but for now. I think you should consider letting the new guy go; and maybe waiting before you decide to go back to your ex. You have to get it straight in your heart and mind if that would be the right thing to do.
If you do stay with your new boyfriend, do it because you truly and sincerely care about him. Not because you don't want to hurt his feelings. Also realize that your ex is jealous. He doesn't want to see some other guy making you feel happy. Succeeding where he failed. You are doing what any of us here may have done, or would do. You found someone willing to care for you, when someone else hurt you. Things just didn't work out in the past. Don't look back. That might be a big mistake.
After you read this, go look into our new boyfriend's eyes.
Then let your heart decide what you should do. I hope things work out for you, and that he does not get hurt.
You feelings for your ex will wear off in time. Just think about the new guy when your ex starts to haunt your thoughts. When he is around, give your new guy a big hug; and those thoughts and old memories should melt away.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (20 April 2014):
 I dont think you need either of these guys for now OP. You're stringing the current guy along, who was clearly a rebound, and now that the anger has subsided, you want the ex back. Your boyfriend seems VERY understanding, I must say!
Just remember that there were certain reasons why you broke up with your ex. What if they come back again? Are you prepared to deal with them? You cant come back to the current guy again because this isn't a game you know. You have to take a decision and stick to it and it certainly is not right for your B/f to have to deal with you pining over your ex and encouraging him to meet you.
The other thing is, be prepared to deal with potential jealousy from your ex (if you DO go back to him), regarding your relationship now. I bet there'll be question regarding your current sex life. Can you deal with all of that?
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