A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Where to begin? Maybe it's a quarter life crisis or maybe it's just cold feet? BUT I am having a hard one with something. I've been engaged to my lovely fiancé for a year now and this second year is supposed to be the year we start planning our wedding. The problem is I feel like I love him, but I don't want to be with him anymore. I don't hate him and I'd never cheat on him I just don't know that I'm in love with him. He's very much in love with me...like head over in love, and if I break it off with him he'll be devastated. I'm 26 and I want to see the world some more and flirt and have fun and I feel absolutely horrible for even thinking these things. It's so selfish of me. A part of me feels. Like I'm still with him for security and nothing more. I mean we're great friends but....I just don't know what to so anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2014): You would be marrying him for the wrong reason. Security, but not love.
You are not sure your are in-love with him?
I think it would be more devastating to marry you and then discover you are unhappy; and was only married to him for convenience. As a favor.
If you deny yourself what you want now, and marry him. You will grow to resent him, if not despise him. You will look for reasons to blame him for taking away all the opportunities you feel you sacrificed to "make him happy."
You marry people to make both of you happy. You do it without the least amount of doubt; and most of all, you love that person so much you want to devote your life to them. Give up everyone else; because that is the one person with whom you wish to share your life.
You clearly have doubt. You're not in-love with him, and you feel you are giving up your independence before you are ready. You can't call it cold-feet, if you say you're not in-love. You don't seem to know if you're in-love with him.
Either you are, or you aren't. You don't accept a proposal unless you are.
Some people may pommel you with judgement; but I'm not going to. You may only be afraid of the finality of giving up a certain amount of your freedom. I'm not sure why some people feel that marriage means you can't travel, pursue and expand your career; or reach for your dreams. You have a built-in support system, and you can do those things together. Lest he is a control-freak, who has clipped your wings and discourages you when you show any sign of having a mind or will of your own.
At best, postpone or extend the engagement; if this is just the part where you feel yourself losing your balance on the tightrope. You're confident until you get to the middle, the rope moves beneath your feet. Your arms are waving to maintain balance. You look down....NO SAFETY-NET! There are no guarantees. You may not get to do everything on your bucket-list. Then again, you may have a lot of plans in your head that you probably won't do anyway; even if you suddenly become single.
Your subconscious is weighing your pros and cons. As it should be, at this point. Before the dress is purchased and the wedding planner gets a deposit. I just don't think you should follow-through if the doubt increases.
It's not selfish of you. It is what most people do when they realize they will have to live out the rest of their life under their vows. They no longer think only as me, but as we. The prospect of starting a family; which also means making personal-sacrifice for those who depend on you.
Maybe giving up things you want, for things your family needs.
You have to be mature and honest. Fear that you will devastate him by breaking up is bullsh*t. You know that.
He's a grown man and he will get over it.
You know that total honesty is more important than anything; when it comes to how you handle another person's love and trust.
Honesty to yourself is just as important.
You may make the decision to make a run for-it days before the wedding, or break-down at the alter. It has happened. More times than you might imagine. Money and time wasted. Humiliation, and trashed feelings.
Postpone the wedding and/or withdraw the engagement. Allow yourself time to get your balance on the tightrope. Then when your rope is taught, you're balanced, you can confidently and gracefully walk the tightrope to the other side. Decide if marriage is something you'd be happier doing more down the road in your future. That's not something you rush into.
It's hard and expensive to get out of. Not to mention how expensive weddings are these days. Minimum $35,000.00 US dollars. That's a few trips to the Bahamas and Paris.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 April 2014):
 I have never heard of "Quarter life crisis" it sounds like you are grasping for straws here.
If you DO NOT love him as HE loves you, the RIGHT thing is to break it off. He might be devastated, but he WILL get over it.
The longer you wait the more you will hurt him.
LET him down gently.
It is NOT fair to stay with someone, because it is EASIER then breaking up. How would you feel if your BF/Fiance stayed with you but had fallen out of love with you?
LIVE life. You only got one.
...............................
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