A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with a great guy for the last year...but I'm still having trouble accepting his past. He's the only guy I've even slept (or done anything sexual) with, but he has 4 exes that he's been with. I think about it everyday, wondering if he compares us or if they were better, and I don't know what to do. I've seen a counselor but it hasn't helped. I'm trying really hard to get over it but I don't know if I can, and now I think I may break up with him just to save us both the trouble. I've talked with him about it a few times, and he's always reassuring, telling me that I'm the best, but at this point I don't know if I can do it anymore, and I feel awful for putting him through this because I know he didn't do anything wrong and he's always been a great boyfriend. Please let me know if you have any suggestions for things I can do when I start thinking about him with those other girls... Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): OP here...I broke up with him, for this reason, along with a couple others.
Here's to hoping that I can find a man who has had exactly one partner...
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (8 January 2013):
I echo what CMMP said. As a man, I almost never think of my past sexual experiences, esp as they relate to my current fiancee. With a few exceptions, most women are not "better" or "worse" than others, just different.
I assure you that you are thinking about his ex's way way more than he is.
...............................
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (8 January 2013):
 If you can't deal with his past BEFORE you met then leave. The guy has only been with 4 girls?
Truth is, he's with you and they are EXes right?
The clue is right there. He doesn't want them. He wants you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): I'm thinking this is to do with the fact that you love him so much but you can't stand the thought of any other woman being near him sexually, and also partly to do with you not understanding where he is coming from in life because you didn't have a sexual past before him.
Its important to remember that he's with you now and for the foreseeable future, could be with you, as long as you don't mess things up with your concerns over his past.
Ok he's had 4 sexual partners before you, so have I as it happens, but seriously, 4 isn't a lot by many standards these days. He sounds like a decent guy and decent people are hard to come by these days, men and women. Just be thankful you have a good guy in your life and don't ruin what you have over unimportant things, because you could be single for a long time if you have a miss-fortunate run of luck with guys after him.
Good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 January 2013):
What everyone else said is true but I wanted to add that men don't usually compare the woman they've been with in terms of how good they are. It's more that women are different, not better or worse.
I can say with a reasonable amount of certainty that he's not thinking of them when he's with you. There's no need to take his word that you're the "best", he was probably just trying to make you feel better. But he's probably never even thought in terms of who's the best, so it's irrelevant.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): Original poster here...
Thank you both so much for your responses. I'm sure it does come down to my insecurity, but I'm not sure where that comes from. I've never been insecure in any other aspect of my life, only this one. I'm going to try to think about other things, and hopefully if I can stop dwelling on it then it won't be such an issue. I love my boyfriend and I would hate to lose him over this.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 January 2013):
 Just a quick question for you to consider:
IF you break up with this guy... then take up with another B/F in the future.... don't you suppose you may well go through this same sequence, again and again, until you locate that pristine/virginal guy who won't "have any sexual past"?????? Could take forever.... Please stick with the counselling and see if you can't work this through..... (Especially since you describe your B/F as a "great guy.")
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (7 January 2013):
 There have been innumerable questions here on DC on retroactive jealousy. I think many of us, at some point of time or the other have compared ourselves to our partner's ex'es. Its natural to but it crosses the line when it consumes your life, which is what is happening in your case.
The simplest thing that I can tell you is, if it bothers you so much then you have to let go of him and find a virgin for yourself. Dealing with RJ is difficult but you have to think rationally about it. You are obviously better for him than those other girls and that's why you are with him. Right? You have to keep telling yourself that. If he's been a great boyfriend then give him a chance. Why let some girls who dont even matter to either of you, ruin your life and what could be a potentially fabulous relationship? Are they really that important? If you still cant accept it then unfortunately you have to move on, without your boyfriend.
I would like to recommend some very good articles and posts here for you to read.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy-is-the-brain-cancer-of-happy.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/cant-deal-with-your-lovers-sexual-past-why.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-stop-this-retroactive-jealousy-.html
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (7 January 2013):
 You're not the first person who has struggled with this.
You should realise that this issue is part of you, not him, and will likely follow you around until you solve it. This could be breaking up with him and finding someone with no sexual past (not easy to do at all), or by taking the tough road and beating it.
Do you think this is being fuelled by your own insecurity and low self esteem? Clearly he loves you and thinks you are great (or he wouldn't be with you), so this is an irrational fear you are experiencing. That you can't let it go suggests its coming from deeper issues. Did your counsellor dig into any of that with you?
In the mean time you need to break the compulsion you are trapped in: to think about this all the time. There are many ways to do this but the key is essentially to change the subject in your mind. To distract yourself with other subjects, anything else really will do as long as it can hold your attention, even for a moment.
One part of doing this is telling yourself that thinking about it is not going to help you or give you any answers: often people in your situation think that they can 'solve it' by 'thinking about it'. Of course you can't: the problem is exactly that... thinking about it. By stopping thinking about it you solve much of the problem. So start with that: tell yourself that thinking about anything else is healthy and dwelling on this is destructive, pick a list of subjects you like to think about, then change the subject in your mind to one of these whenever you catch yourself thinking about his past.
...............................
A
female
reader, turquoise88 +, writes (7 January 2013):
I am/was like you...here's my story (most of this answer is from another post I did where I was answering a different question) I was a 22 YO virgin when I started dating my current boyfriend the "use to be manwhore". At first I was like whatever it doesn't bother me, I knew about his past. Then we got closer and eventually had sex several months into the relationship, THENN I started to get that annoying insecurity/retroactive jealousy! I felt like I was just another number/notch on his belt, I felt like nothing we did in the bedroom was special for him because he had done it all before with many other girls! It really saddens me to think that, but I knew it was true. Anything I experienced for the first time was his 13th time, nothing memorable for him :/ Like your bf, mine tried to comfort me by saying that I am special and I'm not number, he even said if he could go back in time he would've saved himself for me (I'm not going to lie that made me feel better about what I mean to him in the relationship) but I know it's not possible. I realized that This problem that I have w/ his past is something that is not going to go away, I had to make a choice either dump him and find someone w/ a similar sexual past like me or stay w/ my bf and deal w/ it. I choose to stay w/ him because he is a good man/person, he is faithful to me, will do anything for me, makes me laugh, will help me out in any way, and he loves me and I love him and I didn't want to lose that over something out of our control. I'll admit these feelings towards his past will probably never go away, writing this makes me feel a little insecure and jealous about his past, BUT I know nothing can be done about it and I just going to change the subject in my head lol OR ask him to tell me how much he loves me because I need a reminder ha. Anyway take a look at your relationship do you love this guy? Does he love you? Do you want to spend your life w/ him? If you answer yes to these then you need to learn to cope w/ this problem and finds ways to stop thinking negatively. It isn't easy and it won't be but you just need to deal w/ it and learn to think about other things if you truly love this guy! Good luck.
...............................
|
