A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. I wasn't sure where else to ask this, but I am not sure what my best actions can be.While drunk, my boyfriend recently divulged some information to me about his past.Basically when he was 14 (he's 28 now), an older woman (early-mid 40s) invited him to her hotel room, got him drunk, and had sex with him. (Because he was a minor, I am calling it rape). He told me he had NEVER told anyone this information. He did not know the woman, he just happened to also be staying in this same hotel as her unsupervised while his parents were out partying.Even re explaining this story makes me sad, angry, and upset. I feel so awful. He says he's ok, but I worry that he has trauma from it. I want to help him the best way, but I don't know how I can.I really think it changed his future, since after that incident he got into smoking and selling weed, and overall bad decisions and reclusing. He is luckily very level-headed now and is in the process of starting a new software developer job, but I just feel he hasn't dealt with this horrible sexual abuse, and I really want to help him.
View related questions:
drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2020): Matters regarding sexual-molestation and post-traumatic stress due to sexual-abuse are better handled by licensed and trained mental-health professionals. As layman, we are better equipped to offer moral-support, and a sympathetic ear. If he wishes to discuss it; be a good listener. When intoxicated, people often ruminate or recall certain events in our past that might seem shocking or ghastly. It's best not to overreact, you should remain calm. He was venting, it didn't necessarily mean he hasn't found a way to overcome his issues with it.
As for being a drug-dealer and user; sweetheart, these are choices. His involvement with drugs may be totally unrelated to an under-aged encounter with Mrs. Robinson. If he's reclusive, it's typical of drug-users. Many potheads are! Recreational drug-use is part of our culture; considering so many states have now legalized the recreational and medicinal-use of marijuana.
Dealing drugs is a way to fast and easy cash. Don't try to rationalize criminal-behavior!!!
If he's starting a new job, and moving-on; it would seem he's handling it better than you are. He may have only been sharing; but don't turn this into an urgent matter of child-molestation, if he hasn't made it an issue up to now. He got it off his chest, and that's probably all he has to say about it. You may be jumping to your own conclusions about how it has affected his behavior; but I suggest that you leave that to the professionals!
A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp  +, writes (8 May 2020):
He says he is ok. Why do you not believe him? I understand you are angry but it is still new and raw to you. He's had years to get his head round it. This is HIS trauma, not yours. Don't get involved unless he requests it. He shared the information with you while he was drunk. Let it go until such time as he chooses to mention it again.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 May 2020):
 It's good that he trusts you enough to tell you about it, but this is not something YOU can fix.
I would suggest that IF (and only IF) he brings it up again, you TALK to him about seeing a psychologist. That it might HELP him to talk to someone who can help him put his thoughts and feelings into words and work through it. You could also look into rape crisis counseling, because I think this is rape not abuse.
It MIGHT have been a traumatic event for him. But if he is now in a good place, level-headed and dating someone he trusts, he might BE OK now.
And NOT to minimize what happened to him or your care towards him, I think you calling this "horrible sexual abuse" might not HELP him.
He trusted you with something he seems to have come to terms with and you didn't judge him negatively, that is GOOD. But if you try and "victimize" him now, that isn't going to help.
I would also (again IF HE chooses to bring it up again) talk to him about the fact that what happened is considered rape. He was 14 and thus NOT old enough to consent. That woman should be prosecuted!
People deal with stuff in different ways. It took him THIS long (14 years) to confide in someone, so this HAS to be on his terms and move at HIS speed. Which is why I think you need to let HIM set the pace and let HIM choose if he needs to seek professional help.
What happened to him is wrong on ALL levels, and my heart break a little for him. It is good that he has got his stuff together and is moving forward in life in a healthy manner, I think (perhaps) him bringing this up and talking it over with you was a way to let it go. Maybe also a way for him to gauge if what happened was wrong or not.
You are not a trained professional so FIXING this for him is not YOUR job. Doesn't mean you can't listen and support him in whatever he decides to do.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 May 2020):
 It is admirable that you want to help him but it sounds like he needs professional guidance to get over this trauma. With the best will in the world, you do not have the skills to help him, must as you would like to do so.
It is good that he trusted you sufficiently to be open with you about this and, if he says he is ok, perhaps he IS ok in his own way and does not want to revisit what happened to him. Everyone deals with trauma differently.
In your shoes I would leave him to decide what he needs, if anything, to help him. Be prepared to listen and console but, that aside, IF he brings it up again, ask him if he feels that talking to a professional trained in childhood abuse might help him get his thoughts straight on what happened to him. There are also support groups out there where, if he so wishes, he could share his experience with others who have gone through similar experiences and will understand how he feels.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2020): Leave it alone.He confided in you when he was drunk.Women stop trying to fix your boyfriends.It will backfire on you if you try to fix it.Sometimes just telling someone is all they need.He will get help when he is ready.
...............................
|
