A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had an affair with a man who is a friend of an old fling of mine from the past. Plus he’s now married. He was from my home back in One state, and I had moved to another state.We bumped into each other one evening while he was having drinks with his associates. Afterwards, he came to my place every time he’s in town or I fly back to his state and we have sex in a hotel or his house when his wife's not there. Or anywhere in the given opportunity. When I married my boyfriend, it didn’t stop him; in fact, he came up more. He stopped when he discovered that I was pregnant and he knew that he was the father. I had passed the child off as my husband’s. Now my old lover is back and not only does he want to resume our affair, he wants to claim my child with him. He said if I don’t tell my husband, he will. The man I’m married to is a wonderful man who loves me and thinks the world of “his” child. I don’t know what’s going to happen when he finds out. As far am I concerned, my husband is my child’s father but I think it would be wrong to deny my lover a chance to know his daughter. It doesn’t help matters that I am still attracted to him and want to resume the affair as well. What should I do about this?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2011): Paternity testing should be routine? So does that mean we should have a bunch of bastard children entering social services programs because of the biological father not being the husband? It makes sense from the husband's perspective, but the children end up losing in this equation.
As a man, it is a risk you take when you get married. It's one reason why I've never been married. As a single man in my forties, you have no clue how many married women in their thirties and forties sleep around on their husbands. There are a lot of married women, and men, out there who have issues severing ties with their lovers.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2011): Cases like this are why paternity testing should be routine for all births, contested or not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2011): @Natasia.....as far as the real father's rights having no bearing on all this because he didn't speak up during the pregnancy, depending on the paternity laws in the respective state, this isn't necessarily the case if he can prove (emails, text messages, voice mails)that he probably is the father. On the other hand, it is harder for the presumptive father--the one one birth certificate--to disavow responsibility for the child if he finds out that he isn't the father. Her husband should have contested it during the pregnancy or a couple of months after the birth of the child.The courts always rule what is in the best interest of the child. The old lover in this case is most likely manipulating her by threatening to out this drama if she doesn't resume the affair. Both of you should realize that outing this is not in the best interest of the child. Just break off all ties and go on with your lives. Don't break up this family.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (8 November 2011):
 Wow. Does the child's needs feature at all in any of this? Sorry, but it all seems to be centred around how you want to be in bed with this guy. You don't seem to have any feeling that cheating on your husband, and this guy on his wife, and kind of also you cheating really on the family that is you, your husband and your child, is a bad thing.
Look: it sounds to me like you want to be with the guy who is the father. If you really can't resist him, and you feel so attracted to him, it is totally unfair to be doing this to your husband. And it is unfair to both your husband and daughter to be letting them develop a relationship, and then to trash it.
It is really hard. I think your husband and daughter deserve to be put first here. As things stand, if the real father speaks up, you are going to DEVASTATE their lives.
But you don't have any choice, do you? If he will tell your husband, then you should tell your husband first. Although how you do that, God knows. You will lose him. You will destroy what he thought was his life. I am not sure you can really let that happen.
As for the real father's 'rights', I don't feel like he has any ... he should have spoken up when you got pregnant. Not now, not when someone else has been told they are the father. Not when your daughter has also been told that. This is messing too much with these innocent people's lives!!
So ... CUT all contact with the other guy. Cut it all out. And if he comes with accusations, deny them.
This really is a terrible situation. Sorry to say that. But you seem more concerned about how you can carry on sleeping with the guy. So maybe just end it with your husband and be with the father of your child? And let your husband still think he is the father. And let the real father just be your new boyfriend.
I don't know. It is so complicated. Just then put your daughter first, then your husband. Then your feelings and sex drives comes after that. That is the proper order here.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2011): What you did was obviously wrong and deceitful, but the burden of proof is on the man you had the affair with. A judge has to issue an order for a DNA test in order to determine who the father is. This is a lengthy and litigious process and it isn't granted automatically because some guy comes out of the woodwork and proclaims to be the father. You need to hire an attorney. Are there phone records, emails, or text messages that can be used as proof of the affair?
If a man provides a sperm sample, it doesn't automatically make him the father. Under the eyes of the law, your husband is the presumptive father because his name is on the birth certificate. Furthermore, if paternity wasn't challenged immediately after your daughter was born, it's going to be an uphill battle for your boyfriend.
But here's the flip side and potential nightmare scenario for your current husband: If the courts decide that a DNA test is warranted and your husband isn't the father, your husband will still be on the hook for child support if he decides to divorce you, while your boyfriend will be granted some visitation rights. In most instances, your boyfriend won't even have to pay child support while having visitation rights. That is the ultimate kick in the groin for your husband!! Read up on the paternity laws as it applies to your state.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2011): The solution is simple. Stop manipulating and using your husband, tell him the truth, and let him go find someone else who respects him. Go live your lover and the father of your child.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 November 2011):
 legally in some states in the US the man a woman is married to when she gives birth is the father of the child regardless of who is the bio dad.
it's called the lord mansfield rule....
here is the list by state:
https://secure.ssa.gov/poms.nsf/lnx/0200306026
Genetics are important... if the child has a different bio dad she needs to know eventually.
I believe that children can grow in our hearts too.. otherwise why would adoptions work so well.
OTOH, you are lying to your husband. you are cheating on your husband. it's ongoing it's not something so far in the past that it can be smoothed over.
if i was your husband and you told me this...(your child is not biologically yours, and btw i'm still sleeping with my old lover and can't let him go) I'd be packing my bags and I'd be gone... that's hurtful. and i believe in open marriages and honesty... even though I am monogamous if my man came to me and said 'i want to hit that" I'd tell him to go for it... get it out of his system and then come back to me
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2011): You want to keep letting your husband believe the child is his, and you also want to keep having an affair. You say your husband loves you. But the only information you offer about how you feel about him is that you want to keep lying to him. You need to let your husband know of this sham you've been living and let your lover meet his child.
The fact is, it's going to come out sometime (i.e. if your child is diagnosed with a hereditary condition that, strangely, neither you or your husband carry the genes for, your child looks nothing at all like your husband, your lover tells your husband or your child, etc.) and it's going to be much worse than if you were honest about it.
Your marriage will probably end up in divorce, your child will be devastated, etc., but you're currently doing your husband a disservice by literally constantly lying to him.
I also have to ask -- is your lover's wife clued in on your affair?
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (6 November 2011):
 It's very noble to say that as far as you're concerned your husband is the father. It's not true though and you still want this to continue? You need help to solve this and you won't get it from an affair. Can you not understand the damage that is happening? Your lover does have a right to see his child too. these things can not be swept under the carpet.
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A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (6 November 2011):
Oh my, if he is serious about telling your husband that she is his child, then I don't know how you can avoid a huge blowup. The best you can do is be the one that tells your husband yourself. He still will probably be heartbroken, betrayed, and furious, but it will be better than hearing it from the man you've been having an affair with. In fact, you really should tell your husband as soon as possible, both for the sake of him and your daughter. Because even if your lover doesn't tell him now, there is a good chance he will in the future since he wants to still be with you AND know his daughter. The longer you wait, the more horrible the betrayal will be. And this will very likely cause your daughter a lot of grief and turmoil to find out her "father" is not her father, because her mother cheated and lied. It will be worse the longer you wait.
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