A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Broke up with my LDR boyfriend of 1.5 years a couple months ago. Still love him, but he's being distant. Should I try to bring the relationship back?I was in a LDR for a year and a half and we broke up 2 months ago. I live in the US and he lives in Australia. He visited me twice and I was supposed to go visit him in the summer but my family was redoing our house and I had to find a new home for my cat and I was too stressed out to go. Naturally, he was extremely disappointed.We stopped talking as much after that. We were already only talking about an hour a day (at most) because my dad would complain about me talking to him "all the time," if it was any more than that. But it got to the point where we were only communicating through sparse emails. He was always busy with work and friends. He later told me he was trying to give me space like I wanted, but it felt like I had been abandoned. We arranged a few dates to talk about things, but it got to the point where trying to talk to him just made me really sad.We finally discussed things, and I said I didn't think I was going to go to Australia at all. I was too stressed (and depressed, which I've been for about 2 years to different degrees) to think of anything farther ahead. He couldn't come here because he wouldn't be able to get a job to support himself. I didn't just want to be ignored when we weren't physically together, so I suggested we break up. It was hard, but I wanted to give myself a chance to find someone different. I thought I'd get happier, but I was wrong. In the month I spent not talking to him, I got way worse. I finally broke down and started talking to him again. He said he was sad, disappointed, and hurt by what happened, but he said "if we bothered to put in the effort I don't see why it wouldn't work."At the time I was still unsure, and so another month has gone by. It's always really confusing when he talks to me, I don't know what he's really thinking. Sometimes he acts like he used to, and sometimes he acts really standoffish. I'm used to being able to get a hold of him when I want, so it feels weird to not be able to anymore. Sometimes he doesn't even say bye.He goes out drinking sometimes, and for whatever reason it makes me really sad. I'm not into that sort of thing, my family has had drug/alcohol related problems so I know what these things can turn into. He says he doesn't do it that often, but it still worries me.I didn't realize until we broke up how much he loved me. How much effort he put in to come see me twice, pay for his own place to stay, and usually pay for whatever we had to eat or gas for my car. I miss being with him. I liked his family, and I wanted to meet his friends. I don't want to toss aside the year and a half we spent getting so close just because I wasn't thinking far enough ahead.Now he says that things will never be the same anymore. I want to try and work things out, possibly go visit for a couple of weeks in the winter, but I don't know if I should even try. We’re supposed to talk about this tomorrow, and I don’t even know what I want to say.
View related questions:
broke up, depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 November 2011):
 I'm sorry you are hurting. ONCE trust is broken it's very very very hard to get back.. even in a long term marriage.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe didn't even come to discuss it like he promised he would. I can't really express how disappointed I am, but thank you to all who replied.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (7 November 2011):
 USA girl meets Aussie guy and falls in love, been there done that.
An ILDR (international long distance relationship) is EXTREMELY hard to maintain. Much more challenging than your regular LDR.
In a regular LDR (same country), you have to have trust, communication, a high level of commitment, and travel when permitted. Also LDRs don't last forever, eventually they have to come to an end. Meaning one person has to end the distance and move in with the other.
Communication-is tough strained in a ILDR due to the time zones, ridiculously expensive international calling rates, or only being able to talk on Skype when he's starting his day and your ending yours.
Travel- It's REALLY expensive to travel down under roundtrip, not to mention it takes a few days. I don't know too many people in this economy who have the $$ to drop on those trips.
Commitment- There has to be plans set in motion to eventually end the distance. Only way that's able to happen is if you two were to marry or if one of you were able to acquire work visa.
Did he ever discuss the future with you? What he would like to get out of this relationship?
Trust- This is seriously important in any normal relationship, especially a LDR, ILDR. There's no pondering about what he's doing, clubs he's going to, etc. You'll drive yourself mad with that sort of thinking. Really, you have no other option than to trust him, because you have NO idea what he is really doing.
With all that being said, not everyone is cut out for a LDR/ILDR. From your post, I can tell that neither of you were cut out for this type of relationship. The trust is being questioned, communication is lack there of, no plans for the future, and travel isn't really feasible...factors that led to your break-up.
I'm sorry but unless he does a complete 180, then this ILDR isn't salvageable. It's best to date someone that's on your continent.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would be willing to go see him during my winter break or something, just to see if we'd work out. But the trust is pretty much dead now on both ends. I still feel like that could be brought back, but we don't talk enough to make it work. He's usually out or working and he doesn't make time to talk to me since he doesn't have to anywhere.I know I'm stressing way to much about his going out, but I think I worry more about it because we don't have the same amount of communication anymore so I don't really know what's going on. He'd go out before but it didn't bother me as much as it does now.This whole thing made me realise just how much he cared about me (yea, it seems obvious but it wasn't to me) and how much I gave up when I suggested we break up. When I was in my junior year I had a plan to take a gap year and live in Australia but I was told I'd be a failure if I did that, so I got into the mindset that I wouldn't be living there. Now my mind's opened up more but it's probably too late. I want to at least try to work things out, but I don't think he wants to anymore. We still haven't talked, but I have the feeling it won't go well...
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 November 2011):
nope it will never be the same.
I have to say if someone who professed to love me and was going to come visit me said I" can't come because i'm too stressed over having to rehome my cat" I would see this as
a. an excuse to not come to me
b. a lousy reason for not coming
c. proof that they did not care about me as much as I cared about them.
he has been to see you twice that shows commitment. you have not been to see him, nor does it sound like you are willing to go see him... that's not good.
LDRs suck and being so far apart is insanity. UNLESS you have plans to end the distance gap soon (like Cindy said within a year or so) I would not try to make it work.
all relationships need:
trust (do you trust him, does he trust you)
honesty (are you honest with him about how you feel about his drinking [which btw does not sound like a problem the way you describe it]
communication (an hour a day is good for LDR and NOT all the time, there were days shortly after my LDR got serious but before we moved in together where we had 4-8 hours PER day of phone/skype contact... one day we had over ten hours of voice contact)
visits (he's been to see you twice, you not to see him so in 18 months you have had two visits... that's ok because of how far you are apart but you guys will have to step up that schedule if you want this to be a REAL relationship... right now IMO it's skirting the fringes of an actual relationship)
and finally and most critical you must have a plan to end the distance. the sooner the better in your case
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 November 2011):
 Can you make it an IRL relationship within a reasonable time frame ? Can you implement changes within , say , one year ? Like, you moving out there or he coming to live in USA ? No ? Then, don't bother. You would just have more of the same, and you'd waste another 18 months or more in a pipe dream. A long time to invest on someone that after all may very possibly not be your soulmate IRL, due to your different ideas about drinking.
You just got used to the habit and comfort of having a reliable constant ( albeit virtual ) presence in your life and it's normal you miss that, it's only 2 months !
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2011): Long distance is really hard, I am in a LDR now, I am in Australia and he is in UK. Things won;t be the same again because he is now unsure if your really serious about him. You say in yur post "I said I didn't think I was going to go to Australia at all. " of course that hurt him, he had already made the effort to come and see you twice but when you told him this, he would have read it to mean "I can't be bothered coming all the way there just for you". I am not trying to be harsh, I know how hard depression is, I have suffered from depression. Thing is now you ahve to "prove" to him that you are serious about having a future with him if that is what you want, and it will take time for him to believe you are serious and for things to get back to being close again. As for going out drinking, I understand your concerns, but it doesn't necessarily mean that every single person who tastes alcohol will have a problem. Stop stressing about things, and before you have the talk, take some time to think about if you truly want to have a future with this man and all that entails. It would mean that one of you has to try to move to another country. The past has shown that he is serious (by him coming to see you in USA) now it's your turn to make the effort and decide whether you will actually follow through this time despite your feelings of depression and cautiousness. I wish you the best of luck, I know how hard it is to be in a LDR, but I agree with your man when he said "if we bothered to put in the effort I don't see why it wouldn't work."
...............................
|
