A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I wanted your guys or girls opinion on something? I met this realy nice lady, we are about the same age we hit it off great and actually still are, though we have been going out exclusively with eachother for only 6 weeks.Now this woman has never thrown me any "red flags" whatsoever since the very begining. But i did get a freaky suprise about 2 weeks into the relationship..all of a sudden she withdrew, became cold and withdrawn, she wouldnt talk about it actually wouldnt talk to me at all except through text. This put a strain on our relationship of course..since i had no idea what was going on. this lasted over the weekend all in all about 5 days. After that she was fine..said it was stress and thats how she deals with it. So everything was back to normal, wonderful woman very inteligent and thoughtful, absolutely no hitches or big question marks...untill last night (Note: she lives in another town about 45 min from me..so we spend about every other weekend together)So im getting ready to go spend the next 3 days at her house have a great time when she calls me on the phone and we have a conversation like we normaly do..and all of a sudden she brings up that she has a bruise on her chest and explains in detail how it got there..ok interesting story..nothing to write home about, but right after that she tells me that this man she met online awhile back texted her out of the blue..and she goes into extreme detail..his name..ect ect..then laughs about it and how he was a jerk. ok no big deal..people youv met in the past still got your phone number..they might try to get ahold of you. But to top it off, after that she goes into this long speil about trust and how she is glad im not insecure and how she would never have dated me if she thought i was...Ok, normaly any one of these things by themselves wouldnt bother me..but one right after another..my gut instinct is going off..saying there is a possibility that something is wrong here but on the other hand everything could be just bad timing and inocent.So id like to get some other points of view on this situation.Thanks for your insight.
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female
reader, yowie  +, writes (20 October 2011):
 I can see your point in that something that could have just been mentioned in passing ( i got this bruise, this dude I havent seen for ages text me today) attracted a huge detailed in depth story. And yes, its common for liars to make huge detailed in-depth stories up to cover up things they have done. Especially if they have desribed themselves at some time as a "sex addict".
Maybe step back a bit and take it slowly. Best of luck man :)
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 October 2011):
 Are you really sure you should be dating a self-confessed recovering sex addict if your past experiences and situation would be the worst possible combination? What has counseling taught you about your insecurities? Or are you one of those "do-it-yourself" types who doesn't want to have outside help? After SEVERAL failed relationships, I'd say it's time to admit that the problem might not be in the woman/date but in the guy who keeps getting stung. Especially if there are insecurities on his part. Why does she have to report to you via text where she is? And how did you get to saying "I love you" after such a short time? That seems like a very rapid development, for someone with trust issues and someone who is a purported 'sex addict.'
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (19 October 2011):
 gosh - you sound like my EX boyfriend, the way you read into her getting home at 1.45am, 'bar time' thats just the sort of thing he used to accuse me of (of note - prior to meeting me he was having an affair with a married woman, so he knew a thing or two about cheaters!) the point i am making is that i was innocent, even when i stayed out too late, but his hyper-vigilant behaviour was the cause of many arguments and in the end i told him to take it somewhere else! - so be careful that you are not accusing her of stuff she hasn't done.
i don't believe in blind faith though, finding the balance is really hard, even more so if you have been cheated on. i can only repeat what i said last time - take things slow, don't get too emotionally swept up in the relationship until you KNOW you can trust her. don't be afraid to tell her you have been cheated on before, let her know you are not a fool, but at the same time - cut her some slack.
sometimes when us girls get together we gossip and chat so much that i can imagine the 11.45 leaving time accidentally stretching to 1.45 without them really noticing, i have done that before now (and got grief off my ex for it- but that's one of the reasons he's an ex!)
x
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (19 October 2011):
gosh - you sound like my EX boyfriend, the way you read into her getting home at 1.45am, 'bar time' thats just the sort of thing he used to accuse me of (of note - prior to meeting me he was having an affair with a married woman, so he knew a thing or two about cheaters!) the point i am making is that i was innocent, even when i stayed out too late, but his hyper-vigilant behaviour was the cause of many arguments and in the end i told him to take it somewhere else! - so be careful that you are not accusing her of stuff she hasn't done.
i don't believe in blind faith though, finding the balance is really hard, even more so if you have been cheated on. i can only repeat what i said last time - take things slow, don't get too emotionally swept up in the relationship until you KNOW you can trust her. don't be afraid to tell her you have been cheated on before, let her know you are not a fool, but at the same time - cut her some slack.
sometimes when us girls get together we gossip and chat so much that i can imagine the 11.45 leaving time accidentally stretching to 1.45 without them really noticing, i have done that before now (and got grief off my ex for it- but that's one of the reasons he's an ex!)
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell thanks all for your helpful advice. I asked her about the bruise..said there was none? And then showed me the whole area..couldnt see anything out of the ordinary. Your right about being hypersensitive..been in a couple realy disasterous relationships..all lies and cheating. I do believe this woman is straight up and not mental. But oh boy does she push the buttons for my insecurities. Just tonight she went to a girlfriends house..ended up texting me at 11:30pm at night saying she was headed home..then texted a half hour later saying she'd call me when she got home..i didnt hear from her till allmost 1:45am...bar time..had my thoughts doing jumping jacks. I realize because of my past i look for patterns and have a tendency to look deeper than probably necassary..got thrashed a couple times in the past real bad..dont want it to happen again..because back then all the signs were there..i just wasnt paying attention.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (14 October 2011):
How long and how well did you know each other before you became exclusive? if you didn't know each other very well or very long before becoming exclusive, then that means you're committing to a serious relationship with someone you dont' really know. So, all these things you're finding out now become magnified in importance because you've already committed yourself. If she was just a friend, and you learned these things about her, would that trouble you and not make you even consider dating her?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 October 2011):
 I agree that marrying three times doesn't constitute a sex addiction. However, it's looking a bit more clear now.
The red flag is most definitely indicative of a mountain of baggage. The whole trust and insecurity spiel was code for "I picked you because you'll be accepting of whatever I feel like doing and whoever and however I talk to them".
Quite obviously, she shouldn't be breaking out the "I love you's" while also out chasing and texting other love interests past and present.
The red flag is pretty clear here. If you're looking for an honest, good, and exclusive relationship without drama and the messiness of exes and other love interests, then go for it.
But I have a feeling your views on love and relationships are a bit more traditional. In which case, this woman is an eventual dead end.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Her being married three times doesn't mean she's a sex addict. People don't marry for sex only, and you don't have to marry to get sex.
Now, you do seem to have a point as to a red flag. I don't know what it is, but something is the matter.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok, what i didnt want to devulge is..she is a sex addict,and i dont say that lightly, been married 3 times
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 October 2011):
Have you noticed if she drinks too much or uses drugs, prescription or otherwise, while you've been dating?
My observation is that saying "I love you" after 6 weeks of exclusive dating seems a bit accelerated. How long had you known her before you committed to an exclusive relationship?
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (13 October 2011):
 My first impression is that this woman is immature regardless.of age
She seems as tho shes hinting at wanting to date and play the field. She was honest about her discussion with sean however it brings into question if she wants to be with u exclusively. She was.cold maybe she was evaluating her decision to be with u? Maybe she was thinking youre a great fella but uncertain what she wants. The fact this woman went on a date to a bar doesnt sit well with me however i do admit i have a very strong stereotype against women who drink. Your call man. Sounds risky.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (13 October 2011):
very often people pick up on things and it pricks their intuition but then they bury it, the question them self and try to convince their self they are over reacting. so this is tricky. the bruise and the telling you about the ex does not strike me as shifty, but it has obviously struck some kind of cord with you. all you can do when you meet someone is keep your wits about you, keep your feet on the ground, look at judge them on their behaviour - saying we love someone is very easy to do, even if we don't and it can often get us out of sticky situations, so i don't pay a lot of attention to it, those words get thrown around far too free and easy i reckon.
take your time. get to know her at a steady pace. do you think you might be hypersensitive? have you been lied to or cheated on in the past?
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe man that texted her, she told me his name was Sean and that awhile back they met online..talked for like 5 months and then finaly met..she said that was kinda weird, the 5 months that is. She said that there one date ended up with her getting sick to her stomache and spending all her time in a bar bathroom. After that she said he never called her again. This guy texting her doesnt bother me, what bothers me is that "out of the blue" coupled with a mysterious bruise on her breast? she decides to tell me all this..why? there was no need..it was insignificant..should have been a short explanation..we could have both laughed. but no..i got way to much info..right after the bruise on her chest which she spent 10 min explaining to me? its a bruise..right? i have never came across as jealous or insecure as far as I know. Parts of this whole deal could be taken as a cover up or a set up?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know...i asked her about that guy that texted her..just carrying on the conversation..since she actualy brought it up the other night and talked about him for 20 mins..but all I actualy did then was listen..didnt ask any questions. So with out sounding freaky I conversationaly asked her a couple innocent questions about him..she got realy defensive..wouldnt talk about him? wasnt like i was asking real deep questions..so I let it drop..she was happy..the it was all "I love you's" from then on.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 October 2011):
Your relationship is very new! At 2 weeks in, if she was going through something traumatic, it was probably very wise that she didn't dump it on you so early into the relationship.
The conversation about the guy who contacted her followed by the spiel about trust and insecurity is interesting. I'd wonder what I was being set up for.
I would have a conversation with her and ask her if there are any exes in her life, because that's what I think she's setting you up for. There might be an ex, or if she has kids, she stays in contact with their father. I'm willing to bet that her withdrawal had something to do with her past.
The bruise on her chest might be nothing, but watch for other bruises, you know?? What's happened is a possible red flag, but nothing to end the relationship over. This means she has baggage. What that baggage is, is a mystery for now.
I'd just talk to her about it, if you feel like it. Don't interrogate her, and let her share normally at her own pace. Like I said -- your relationship is new. Let her disclose at her own pace. I don't think she's cheating on you, but I think that an ex is maintaining contact in her life in a way that she believes might cause a new man to take a measure of issue with.
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A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (13 October 2011):
 Can you explain more about the bruise??? That seems weird to me, that she brought that up then talks about a man she spoke too
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (13 October 2011):
 Spend the weekend with her and see how she behaves. We all have mood swings and you have only been a couple 6 weeks. You are still getting to know each other.
If you approached her about her withdrawl and she chose to not discuss it with you-respect that.
You comment about her "long speil about trust" and "how she is glad you are not insecure".
If she continues with the withdrawl and acting wierd over an area of her life all you say is "I sense there is more going on that you want to share right now. I hope you will because I think your withdrawl is going to affect us and our communication eventually..I really do not want to see a wedge come between us as we grow to know each other."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): Well, the fact that you're writing about it here means your insecurity is getting a bit shaky. Keep your confidence up. It probably is no big deal. If you let something like this get to you, she will spot it and it will probably lower her attractiveness towards you. It's NBFD. Just keep having a good time with her. Are you worried that she is hanging out with some other dude? Well, even if that is the case, she spends most of her weekends with you anyways and those are the most important leisure times. Think of that as a sincere sacrifice in itself.Keep your mood and your attitude positive as you have been and never become worried or fear her. Carry things as you have a been and let it progress. Don't start becoming anxious and worried about it because she will notice it. This will cause your relationship with her to move backwards. Everybody is insecure in some way at some point in time. Don't let it take over you. My advice is to let time pass, don't do anything illogical or emotional, and you'll find your insecurities are gone. Goodluck
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