A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I have a big problem and I have no idea as to how I should deal with it. The problem is my best friend. Let’s call her “Madison”.Madison and I have been friends for some time now about 5 years maybe, but we’ve been best friend since about 2 or 3 years. At first it was great she is bar far the best friend I ever had, she buys me things, gives me money when I’m in a tight spots and can be protective of me sometimes, but now I don’t think we get along as well as we once use to.For starters whenever we talk about things like life, politics religion, food anything we usually seem to argue, mostly because she gets upset with my views, then I’d say “Why are you so mad? I’m just giving my opinion?” she’d say “I’m not mad!” repeatedly but storms off anyways. Luckily our arguments never turns into anything serious, we usually forget it after a couple minutes, but lately we seem o argue 10x more than we use to, so much so that as soon as she takes offense to anything I say, I immediately stop talking, because I can’t deal with it anymore. I feel like I can’t talk to her at all, because anything I say these days seem to offend her and because of that I don’t know how to act around her anymore. How can I be her friend if I can’t speak freely in her presence without getting my head chopped off. At first that was annoying and it still is but now it’s now it’s nothing compared to everything else.I’m beginning to realise that I don’t like Madison very much.Her likes, her dislikes, her beliefs, her morals, her manner of dealing with situations and me. I hate all of it if not most. We’ve made it very clear that we are complete opposites because we NEVER seem to agree on anything, but honestly I feel like she just goes against everything I say. It’s like if I say “A” today she says “Z”, but if I say “Z” tomorrow all of a sudden she’s for “A”. I feel like she never backs me up on anything, when I’m in a corner and could really use some support from a friend she’s usually doing what everybody else is doing laughing at me or not saying a word, she almost ALWAYS does it I NEVER get any back-up from her. When I ask her to highlight faults about me so I can better myself like “Do you think I’m too loud?” for example, I’d literally have to drag it out of her yet, if we were around a group of friends and somebody says “Hey, Tony, You’re pretty loud you know that!” All of a sudden she has a mouthful and is willing to highlight answers I wanted from her in private around a bunch of other people.A next thing that drives me crazy is the fact that she has absolutely NO AMBITION!! Whenever we do group projects, I’m usally the group leader and I literally have to beg her to do her work, but she complains and act like she’s the hardest worker when she really isn’t, she’s usually on Tumblr or Facebook having a blast when I’m trying to get the groups attention. When I ask her what she wants to be in life after we finish college she says that she doesn’t know ...SHE NEVER KNOWS!! NOT EVEN AN AREA OR FIELD OR CRAFT, NOTHING, but that’s not the part that cracks me up the most, it’s the fact that she HAS ABSOLTELY NO INTEREST BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T CARE AND THEN ACTS AS IF SHE IS PROUD OF BEING A BUM. She just wants to be rich...and that’s it. She isn’t very smart either. Don’t get me wrong I think she has potential because she grasps concepts very quickly but she is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO LAZY!! I thought I was bad!! She shows interest in NOTHING!! Except ....and I’m serious when I type this....Youtube, Lesbian Girls and Losing Weight....LITERALLY!! She almost 23 years old and some of the things she should know , as a young adult, as a college student, as a person she doesn’t and guess what....SHE DOESNT CARE!! Stuff like spelling certain words, their meanings, current affairs, people, history....doesn’t know and doesn’t care. Most times I’m like “How can you not know that Madison?” She always wants people to do things for her because as far as she knows people should know what she’s thinking SHE NEVER SPEAKS UP!! “If you want answers Madison, you need to ask questions?” “Nope, I hate going to people, I can’t handle rejection” “Madison, you’re only going to ask him for the time!!! Relax!!” Yet she’s very social!!She’s racist but doesn’t admit to it even though she is hell bent on marrying a white man so that she can have “pretty kids”....seriously? She doesn’t even give a crap about love as long as he’s white she’s happy. I’ve come to realize she is INCREDIBLY SHALLOW!! She finds faults with everybody and their appearance, yet she’s not exactly a beauty queen. She usually never helps me with school work unless I ask even if it’s obvious I’m drowning yet whenever she doesn’t understand i’m always willing to help. I remember this one time we were in an OPEN BOOK Test. I had no idea what I was doing and google and Youtube was too overwhelming because it was a practical test using a complex program. It was a very small class, yet everybody else was helping each other, the teacher was there he saw it and didn’t seem to have a problem. We were the only persons sitting in that computer row side by side and when I asked her for her help, she told me she didn’t know what she was doing and I just sat there and watched as she did about ¾ of the test and then complained that “If only I had some extra time I could have finished” when it was done. Apart from the one time i asked her to help me and she said that she didn’t know what she was doing she never once said “Hey Tony, you seem really lost, do you need help? I don’t want you to fail or anything.” Remember we were the ONLY persons in that row and she didn’t even LOOK at me for the remainder of the test. I WAS SO MAD WITH HER!!! The other day I asked her “If my breath reeked or I smelled really bad you would tell me right?” You know what she said? She said “No, because, that would be too awkward for me to say to you....BECAUSE YOU’RE MY FRIEND!!!” Can somebody help me out here? I though friends were suppose to call you out on your crap? She even went on to say that it actually happen with an old high school friend of hers but instead of just telling her best friend that her breath reeked she asked another friend to tell her...after like a CENTURY!! How exactly does that make her different from all the other people if she cant tell me something as important as that?She VERY VINDICTIVE!! So vindictive it scares me, she wants revenge on everything even when I do things for fun or as a joke. She always wants to eat from my lunch so that she can save her money, her hands are ALWAYS in somebody else’s food, I honestly think people don’t like it but most of them just put up with it cause they don’t want to be mean. I could go on for DAAAYYYSS about her bad habits!!! I know we all have faults but I feel like she’s just information overload. Lately the saying “Show me your friends and will tell you who you are!” keeps spinning in my head. and I don’t think that Madsion represents who I am or what I stand for. I feel like crap because she’s suppose to be my friend and we still laugh with each other every now and then but things just aren’t the same. When i try to tell her these things she gets upset and acts as if I’m try to hurt her, I’m not I WANT TO HELP HER!! But then i thought, maybe I’m wrong to impose my thoughts like that on her, she’s free to be who she wants to be, but if that’s the case then I’m afraid we can’t be friends.Yes, she has some good qualities but I’m starting to feel the bad outweigh the good. I don’t feel comfortable around her anymore so much so that I WANT us to drift apart so I can have an excuse to stop talking to her....we’ll not stop talking ....just....i dunno, I feel terrible, i don’t know if what I want is is just, or if im being a bad person.But it’s the truth, this is how I feel.One time I asked her “Madison, Why are we friends?” and she said. “Because you care about me and never give up on me!” SORRY FOR BEING SO LONG!I don’t know what to do!! Can somebody help me please?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2012): We all have stories like that. Unfortunately, it seems like u completely lost respect for your friend. It happens. Friendship change.
She has a right to be what she is, but you have a right not to like her and quit this friendship. Good luck
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 June 2012):
 I dunno. But I am in somewhat the same boat. I have a friend who lately is nagging and arguing with me on everything, or absolutely HAS to make a smart ass comment on things. It really does get you fed up! So I see where you are coming from, with her always getting offended. My friend recently got offended that I couldn't spend money to go to a cafè with her because I am broke.. like I am purposefully broke just to hurt her feelings...
I don't get back-up from my friend lately either, she's adding in her snide comments on things, and it seems she's just pulling me and my decisions down. She's always got some comment, or opinion, on MY life and what I do that is really none of her business. And really not her place to make any comments of judgements. It's really hurtful, and pisses me off as well.
One big difference though, my friend has ambition and thinks of herself as above most of the rest of the population. And she's started to look down on me if I make decisions that SHE doesn't think are "smart" about money or career. So don't think it'd be better if your friend had ambition. She'd still be a lousy friend, only she'd drive you mad by asking you at what time you woke up and make snide comments about how unfit you are compared to her, and about how much money she'll make compared to you. What joy.
"she is hell bent on marrying a white man so that she can have “pretty kids”....seriously? She doesn’t even give a crap about love as long as he’s white she’s happy."
Ahahaha! My friend doesn't want kids because it'll give her "ugly stretch marks" even though she thinks her genes are better than everyone else and she owes it to the earth to produce children...!
As for helping me out, my friend never helped me move because she dislikes boxes.. I've helped her move, and clean, 3 times. And after I worked my ass off for her for hours, cleaning and moving boxes for her, she didn't want to drive me home as promised because "it's not that far for you to walk".
Alright, so we both have two friends who basically suck. There are some good things about them, but I think the main reason both you and I are still in these friendships is because after all these years we care about them. And we remember the great times we had, and we want that back. I don't have any great advice other than telling you I know how you feel, and that friends sometimes drift apart. Maybe it is time to let this friendship die, slowly? Or at least remove yourself from her little by little, and include other people more in your life. That way you wont feel so dependent on her, you'll have other friends who'll help you out when you are in need, and you can still have your friend on the sideline, but she will play a less important role in your life.
Stop inviting her out, stop contacting her, reduce contact, but still be nice and friendly when you meet her. Just reduce the contact, maybe it'll help to just get some more distance between you. Maybe you can continue to stay friends as long as she's not so close to you.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (11 June 2012):
 Honeypie is quite right in her response.
You say she's given you money when you were short. I wonder: have ever paid her back? Because you need to UNLESS it was given as a gift (personally, if someone asks me for help financially - which is rare) I prefer to give what I can without making myself short, as a gift with no expectation of being paid back. Because if someone is low on money and asks for a loan, then they are obligated to reimburse one at some point - and if they don't it creates bad feeling and resentment. Not a good idea!
Having said all that, Madison does appear to be very immature and to expect the world owes her a living. In HER mind she is probably kind, independent and generous. The trouble is, it's almost all in her own head, and NOT in reality.
Consequently, when you attempt to correct her she quite obviously thoroughly resents it - she doesn't think she needs to be corrected!
You may want to help her - and have certainly tried. the thing is, unless she gets to the point where she realizes she needs help and ASKS for it, you (and anyone else, including her family and other friends) are beating your heads against a brick wall. YOU get the headache, SHE gets to feel self-righteous and justified in acting the way she does!
All you can do is, as Honeypie says, become less and less available. Don't call or email her. If you are out with a group of friends and she's one of the group, other than simply saying "Hi" don't engage her in conversation. When you're in the same classroom, don't sit with her.
The time may well come after this bare minimum of communication when she will confront you and ask why you aren't being more friendly. That will be the time to tell her you find it too stressful and upsetting to be around her
thereby putting the emphasis on how it affects YOU as opposed to blaming her - not that she isn't to blame, mind you!) If she wants to rant, then let her, but tell her you won't be seeing/communicating with her any more.
Perhaps she will learn to be more considerate and take responsibility for her actions the hard way - but you can't be responsible for her........
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 June 2012):
 Seems to me that you two have grown apart. It happens. Even with formerly good friendships.
Don't forget who you are at 16 (let's say) and who you are at 22 are two very different people (hopefully, at least) but in your case YOU grew/matures and she is still that 16 year old "child".
I would slowly cut the contact down to a minimum, mostly because I don't think she would handle a direct approach such as "I don't think we work out as friends anymore" And because you mentioned that she is vindictive. A slow approach would be the "easy" way to deal with it.
I would STOP having her in group projects, she obviously ride everyone's coat tails and do not seem to add ANYTHING to the project herself.
Detach yourself. Find other people to be around.
I'm sorry it's never easy to "dump" someone from your life, no matter how much they annoy you. But sometimes we have to do it to keep our sanity.
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