A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been going out for about 18 months, and we have been living together for six months. When we started the relationship, sex was very good and quite regular at least one or two times a week but over the last five months it has been not so regular - once every four or five weeks. We are still quite close and affectionate with each other, so there seems to be nothing wrong there. But I feel she is no longer interested in sex with me because when I try to come on to her, she always says she is tired or has a headache. I feel quite let down by this -- as she says she still wants me to come on to her even though she will probably say no. I feel so confused and scared to approach her sexually as I am afraid she might say, 'No'. She never comes on to me or suggests making love. If I try to touch her she moves away from me or sighs. She keeps telling me that she loves me and that she finds me very sexy. We are due to get married in a little under six months' time and I am worried this is going to carry on into the marriage. I love her very much and I pay her compliments all the time. I have tried talking to her about this and she tells me I am just worrying about nothing and that there are more important things in the relationship that sex. I have even tried giving her a few weeks space to see if this would help but it didn’t. I don’t know what else to do to get her interested in a sex life.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2012): When a guy complains that he isn't getting enough sex there is a certain amount of "off the shelf" advice that he will always be given. And you are getting it. You need to romance her more, you need to talk to her more, etc. But when you describe your case all I hear is she doesn't want sex even though you are doing everything right. It sounds to me like you have already covered all the bases you can. Sex is a normal part of a healthy relationship. If she does not want to make sex a continued regular part of your relationship then YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE TOLD THE TRUTH RIGHT NOW. Dry spells are understandable but there is a difference between a temporary and a permanent change. When a couple has been together for a year and a half, the final half-year should not be one long dry spell. I agree you need to talk to her more even though you already have talked to her about it. Don't make it a constant topic to where it gets too uncomfortable, but you deserve some answers. She might not know exactly what is going on with herself but she could take some guesses and try to work with you. Just saying "I still want you" while mostly turning you down for half a year is not working with you.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 June 2012):
 Oh yeah, I tried the depo shot a few months back and it completely altered my sex drive. I couldn't get wet, and I didn't feel like having sex at all, I just wanted to go to sleep. I didn't like it at all though, but in my case it was such a noticeable change. I mean I used to want it every day, if not more times a day, and after the depo shot I didn't feel like more than maximum once a week, and if it went over a week in between I barely noticed.
Your girlfriend might not have noticed how her sex drive has declined, and if she's recently started any new form of medication or birth control then that could very well be the reason for this decline!
With the depo shot, btw, it took several months to get it out of my system. It took about two/three extra months after it was supposed to have stopped protecting me, before it was completely out of my system. For some it can take even longer before it goes away completely.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (12 June 2012):
 Forgot about medications, very well could be the case.
FA
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A
male
reader, Htsn47 +, writes (11 June 2012):
 I agree completely with the other writers that her answer leaves something to be desired, but that you also need to communicate better. I realize it's a really hard topic and one we are trained not to talk about! I think you need to better explain that the sexual side of the relationship isn't just a nice benefit, it's something that is essential to your feeling secure and loved in the relationship.
Just to put out another possibility: have other changes occurred, such as her starting or changing birth control pills? I know my fiancée (now wife) *completely* lost her desire to have sex when she went on birth control. Is that a possibility here? The trouble, at least in our case, was that she didn't feel like she was missing anything - there simply was no desire.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 June 2012):
It is interesting that the drop off in sex coincides with the moving in together. That could point to some triggers. Her words are telling us a different story. I think it would be beneficial to look at this from both directions.
Living together is a much higher level of intimacy than dating. When you live together there is no hiding anything. Sometimes there are things that are unpleasant that you learn about your partner. Perhaps you leave the toothpaste in the sink, or your socks on the floor or something else. Maybe you have awful morning breath. Some thing like that could be causing a revulsion reaction in her that would explain why she doesn't want you to touch her. Communication and courtesy are the answers there.
The other thing that happens when you move in, or get engaged, is that a goal is achieved. When people achieve a goal their behavior can change. You may feel that now you see her every day so there is no need to continue dating and romancing her. And, I mean more than sex. She may feel that now that you are committed she needs to put out less sexually. Either way people are getting frustrated. The answer here is to do the things that brought her to you in the first place.
Third, Housework. I hope that somewhere she is not asking her friends, "he never helps around the house, is this going to be how our marriage will be?" Quite frankly I'm not sure there is an answer to this one.
Finally she said that there is more important things in a relationship than sex. Obviously you don't agree with that. There are still people out there that believe that sex is inherently evil, and that it is the woman's job to train the man not to want sex. I'm worried that this may be the case.
You question says how can I get her interested in sex. The answer is to find out what happened and fix it. My first suggestion is communication. She is resisting that. The next suggestion is to move out. Go back to when it worked and try again. Make the changes slowly, one at a time until you find what went wrong. Make sure she knows what you are doing and why. Also make sure that she knows that all your life you have dreamed of having a loving relationship that included regular sexual activity. And, that you will not settle for less.
The other answer is yes this will carry on into the marriage. And, No, peoples levels of sexual drive vary all the time for many factors. The Marriage will only relieve her from the stress of planning the wedding. That could bee the root of the problem.
One last thing, Are you living at her parent's home?
FA
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 June 2012):
You are about to get married, yet you are unable to discuss something so important with her. I think that is more worrisome than your sex-life! Talk to her about your fears and concerns, and talk to her about how she makes you feel when she constantly turns you down. I get that she enjoys you coming on to her, but she needs to be told that it is selfish of her to want to be pursued, yet keep turning you down. If she wants to be pursued she'll have to play along the game as well, and GIVE rather than just take and take. When you pursue, and she turns you down, that is you giving, and her taking. When you pursue, and she plays along, that is you giving, and her giving. You do the math: does she take more than she gives?
Discuss this with her, talk about how it makes you feel, and how you'd like things to be, and what changes you can make for both of you to be happy. For example: you stop pursuing her when you know she will say no, and her pursuing you instead. And if she can't meet you half ways then maybe it isn't a good idea that you get married.
I would not advice you to marry her if the situation doesn't improve and if she can't recognize that this is a real problem. Her approach to this looks like she is just brushing it under the carpet, and ignoring it, and not taking it seriously at all. She needs to open her eyes and face the facts: this hurts you and it hurts your relationship, and she needs to get on board and on with the program and not shut her eyes to it. Or else you'll have a very short marriage, or no marriage at all.
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