A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I have a question to ask. So iv known this guy for 4 years and we dated for 2 years on and off (he works on cruise ships, so i see him every 6 months for a weekend at a time)Anyway, i found out he slept with a girl on holiday and i told him i dint want to speak to him again. However, we sent the odd message to each other every couple of weeks here and there. during this time I met a guy, who i loved dearly, and i was with him for a year and a half - the other guy said that he was hurt and felt like i done it to spite him and has said for the past year that he doesnt think he is right for me and didnt think we would last long at all and he made it very clear that he was jelous. he tried to send me sexual messages to which i ignored and told him that he hyurt me in the past and i dont see him that way anymore and that i dont want a fling with him as he means more to em than that - he also agreed and said that we should talk. 6 months later he finished work (he lives in another country) and he flew over to see me for a few days it was great we chatted and he tried to kiss me lots of times but i kept saying i had a bf and that it was all or nothing with me.. we then spoke and he said that he was an idiot to go on holiday and sleep with someone but he thought that i wanted to get engaged when i kept saying "i want to get serious" and he wasnt sure that he was ready. he said that he is jelous of my bf cause he has me and he wants everything with me and he said that "you dont know what you have til its gone". He said that he works with fake people everyday in work and they either want to know him for his money or because he is the manager on the ship.. also, in his past relationships, he is usually the one who is dumped for another guy. the next day he tried to kiss me again and i told him no.. and he said "well, i thought u were going to text or phone up your boyfriend and tell him ur with me" i agreed and said i would do it that night ...that night came and i didnt.. and i ended up having sex with him.. afterwards i felt disgusted with myself and cried and told him that i cant break up with my boyfriend that i love him and having sex with him was a mistake, then i said that i dont want to see him again.. to which he said "will i go home tomorrow then?" i said "yes" and he said "no, i wont, then you will think that i got what i want and went home, ill stay and if you want to meet me, we can meet" - that night i went home and although i was upset that i cheated on my boyfriend, i was more upset that i told that guy i would never see him again and i couldnt stop crying. if im being honest, i love both of them, but in my heart i know that the other guy (cruise ship guy) is the one for me. so i broke up with my boyfriend and met up with the other guy the next day and told him this. he said he confused cause of last night with me crying and choosing my boyfriend and he says that it gives him doubts. he said that i should think about it and let him know what i want to do and i shouldnt feel pressured to give him an answer just beacuse he is in my country. He said that i have a special place in his heart and that my intentions are in his heart and he doesnt want to do wrong by me but he thinks that i acted irrationally and i should rethink things with my bf cause he is there all the time for me and is good for me. he said he wasnt backing out of wanting a relationship but wants what is best for me and does not want me to break up with my bf then in a few months to regret it and blame him. so i thought about it after a few days and told him, i got a bad vibe from him and he then said that he had to think - he said that he isnt the type of guy who steals other peoples girlfriends and feels bad for sleeping with me and making me cry. we spoke and spoke and both agreed that no matter what i happens we willbe close friends and i said that i loved him want everything with him he said that he loves the way i feel about him and then i asked "you say you want kids and to settle down all the time, and i am saying i want that with you, if you dont see that being with me, tell me as it isnt fair" and he said that he does see himself settling down with me and having kids... after a long conversation he said he has no doubts and he feels better and we should start going out again and see where a relationship could take us.so i called him up in work yesterday and asked him if i pressured him into a relationship and he said no, then he started saying how stressed he is at home - with buying his house and his mother nagging at him and him waiting for his medicals etc that night, i called him up again, and asked him what he meant be certain things he said in the conversation we had about him having doubts as they were playing in his mind, i asked about 5 questions and he said that he hated questions like that and he has had too many relationships in the past who quizz him and he hates it and he said that i planted all the doubt back in his head again. the next morning i asked for an answer to my question "are you sure you want this" to which he said that he cant answer me right now, he wants to just go back to how we used to be having fun and a laugh and he is too stressed at the moment and it isnt my fault but it is a combination of things and we sould take things one day at a time or after he is better. i then said that i was upset and couldnt be the concerned friend anymore and he said okay and that he was sorry - then i start some other things like that he used me for sex and that iv broke up with my boyfriend for him and he said "thanks for saying that, and it isnt like that" and i told him i was done with him... he said he was going away and that he will chat later if i want to and i said no that he can chat to me when he grows up..he said okay and now we havent spoke :/thoughts please?was he using me?does he have feelings for me?i dont knwo if this stress thing is an excuse :( he did say he went to the doctors about it and the doctor told him to take it easy and he said he even started smoking yesterday as he had to do something to calm his nerves
View related questions:
broke up, cheated on my boyfriend, engaged, money, on holiday, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 June 2012):
 Okay first off I think he does not want a serious commitment at the moment, it sounds like he wants to take things slow and see how it goes, which is the right way, you are just out of a serious relationship give yourself a break, take things slowly and see how it goes. Although I fear you may have already blew this.
It was quite immature off you to throw it back in his face that you broke up with your boyfriend for him, at the end of the day that was your choice nobody else's and you should not throw that back in his face. Also accusing him off just wanting sex and putting pressure on him straight away for a serious commitment was completely wrong as well, if you put pressure on someone then you are going to push them away. If he is stressed at the moment then he needs to take things easy and you asking him questions and demanding answers is just going to stress him out more.
If he is willing to give it another go then take things slowly and get to know each other again, go on dates and take things slow, don't ask for any serious commitment until you both spend time getting to know each other again.
|
