A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I will soon be starting a new job that requires working with people all day. The only problem is I have zero self esteem and zero confidence. I don't like to join in conversations as I'm terrified i'll say something stupid and embarrass myself. I drive myself crazy with this lack of confidence and I just want to be able to talk to people! This makes me really miserable. I must've came across as someone who is a 'people-person' in my interview but I'm really not. I want to do this job so badly, but I just have no confidence!Please help, what do I do?!
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female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 I can very much remember how it feels to be starting in a new job. It is exactly the way you feel right now. There is one line though that always rings true when it comes to new challenges in life..THIS TOO SHALL PASSI have been working in a university for close to 5 years now and every time I remember my first few days at work, I would laugh at myself for being too nervous, too eager to please, too friendly to people. All the signs that I clearly was just tense in my new job.Imagine yourself being in this job after 5 years. How do you see yourself? By then you will be too comfortable in your job, an expert in your field, you could even do it with eyes closed. As for your colleagues, bear in mind that they started just like you and they are ordinary people who are just like everyone else. Treat them like you are meeting new friends. That's it.I think the most important thing to do when being new to your job is.1. Relax and take a deep breath. Be yourself and don't impress people too much with what you are not coz later on they will find out you faked it.2. Focus on your work, learn it, understand it. Master it. Don't be afraid to ask questions or clarify things you don't understand. 3. Be yourself around your colleagues and be friendly to them. However, don't talk too much about yourself especially when they are not even asking you. Don't ask them too much about themselves too. 4. If you receive some corrections about your work and some criticisms, don't take it too personally and don't be offended easily. Take it as a way to improve your work.And lastly, love your job and respect your boss and colleagues. There is no better feeling than having realized that you are still around after many years and that your salary has increased, your colleagues look up to you and rely on your work and are good friends with you too. Best of all, you enjoy and love your job.I know this sounds too idealistic to some but really it's only a good attitude towards your work that would make you survive each day.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): Here is a fail proof plan.
Show up on time your first day and do your very best.
Repeat this on the second day.
And every day hereafter.
Keep this up long enough and you will be the one with the seniority and every one else will be the newbies.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (3 October 2012):
Your employer obviously saw a good communicator in you otherwise they wouldn’t have offered you the job. In this tough economic climate, people aren’t prepared to give some-one a chance if they don’t make the grade at interview, so be assured that they will have thought long and hard about the suitability of candidates before they picked you. Obviously your lack of confidence is not apparent to other people, that’s often the way. To be honest, even the most confident person feels nervous when starting a new job. They’ve got a new group of colleagues to meet, and they’ve got to find their place and make their mark in the team. If you’re feeling a bit shy and unsure of yourself, you’re not alone, pretty much everyone who’s ever worked will know what those feelings are like when you start a new job. Other posters have given you good advice. The main tips I’d offer you are these:
•If you don’t know how to start a conversation, ask a basic question that will invite a response that may provoke further questions. For example, asking some-one if they had a nice weekend will normally encourage them to make some comment about what they got up to. You may then ask further questions, or they may ask you about your weekend and so a conversation has started.
•Make sure you introduce yourself to everyone: if there’s some-one in the office that you spot who no-one introduced you to, go over and say hello and explain that as a new member of staff you just wanted to introduce yourself.
•People love to talk about themselves. If you want to get conversations started, ask plenty of questions. Encourage people to talk about what their job involves, and ask about other areas of their life too if they like to talk about them. Try to show an interest.
•You describe the fear of saying something stupid. It’s never stupid to admit that you don’t know something. Again, therefore, ask questions, but also don’t be afraid to be honest about the fact that you’ve not experienced something, or you’ve not heard about something or whatever it is. Ignorance isn’t lack of knowledge, or lack of awareness about what to say. Ignorance is refusing to try and learn, clearly not you given that you’ve posted this question.
A lot of your anxiety, I suspect, comes from the fact that other people around you seem so much more confident than you and so you get more anxious and feel more insecure. But remember that if you came across as confident and good with people to your employer even though you are actually very shy and find forming relationships with colleagues difficult, maybe all those people around you are equally good at hiding their insecurities. It’s said that if you put on a mask for long enough it becomes a face. Good luck in the new job. And you’re young: we never stop learning throughout our lives. People are complex and working with colleagues can be rewarding, educational, frustrating and challenging all at the same time. Don’t be hard on yourself: accept that you’ll make mistakes, and that learning to be more confident will take time. You’ve won half the battle by recognising what your strengths and weaknesses are and that will serve you well in life.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you very much for your answers, I guess I should be happy I got through the interview. I hopefully will gain more confidence and get comfortable around my new work mates in time. Again, thank you for your suggestions and answers, you've helped a lot xx
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (3 October 2012):
 I just started a new job too and it's very nerve wracking. I was sweating bullets before my first day, and so on top of worrying I would say something wrong, I also was worried I smelled bad. Plus I was replacing someone everyone liked, so they instantly wanted to hate me.
But you've just got to go for it and make small talk. Usually as soon as you so much as say hi, someone will throw you a bone. There's this idea you get from movies that in order to be liked, you have to go in and tell the funniest joke anyone has ever told and do the coolest thing anyone has ever seen, but that's just not true.
A lot of times people really want to talk at work. They are bored or looking to take a break and chatting with you is a chance for them to do that. Once you get in the habit of it, breaking the ice is very easy. At lunch ask what they are eating. Most people love to talk about their food, either how bad it is or how good it is. I have started most of my conversations with people asking about food. "What are you eating?" "That smells really tasty!" "I've never seen that flavor of yogurt before, is it good?"
If they have kids, ask about their kids. People LOVE to talk about their kids. Ask what their names are, how old they are, what grade are they in, people love to talk about kids and they will love you for listening.
Ask about a funny poster on the wall, ask about that reference to a TV show on their desk, if they have a houseplant ask if they are into houseplants (if you like them, share your love of them. If you don't, joke about how you always kill them). Same goes for cat photos, dog photos, bird photos, whatever.
Adults aren't as catty as in high school, generally. Some people will give off a totally icy vibe and you don't have to start there. But for the most part they don't want to blow you off, they are just nervous about you as the new person. Pretty much as soon as you open your mouth you stop being that scary unknown new person and they will be happy to talk to you.
If you really can't try these, bring in something baked and everyone will come talk to you. You don't even have to make it, just bring in coffee and doughnuts or something.
They are just as nervous about you as you are about them, you just need to start making small talk and you will become friendly. Don't expect to make friends immediately and you'll do fine. After you've small talked with some people for awhile, invite them to go with you for lunch somewhere or for drinks after work.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 October 2012):
 It is natural to have some fears and nerves before starting a new job, and it does not help that you have no confidence in yourself. You obviously done something right in the interview, and you should praise yourself for getting through the interview and managing to get the job. You should be quite proud of yourself.
It is always scary starting a new job ask anyone, but your confidence will grow in time. As for making conversation and interacting with other people again take your time to practice talking to people and you will soon get used to it. I know it is really scary at the moment, but it does get easier in time, and the more you get used to your work mates the more comfortable you will feel around them.
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