A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I found out my boyfriend has been looking up engagement rings lately. Im happy and flattered. We talked about marriage before and i used to be excited about it. I love him very much and i know he loves me. We have had our trials but we have gotten through them and its only brought us closer. We have children together, and are a family. The thing is now that i have been thinking about it, i dont think i want to get married. I want to be with him forever. But i dont want the legality of it. I dont want his debt to become mine, his family has said terrible things about our younger son not being his (he is), i just witnessed my mom's friends messy divorce after a 20 plus year marriage so its all really deterred me. I am dedicated, i know relationships are work and of course i will always put effort in and care for him through obsticles But i dont know if i want to get married. I dont know how to bring this up and i know i should, esp since hes always told me its something he wants eventually. What should i do?
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female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (4 October 2012):
Your state laws determine whether his debt will become yours.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): "Marriage doesnt mean his debts will become yours. "Actually yes it does, if he does not pay off his debts on his own. Take this from a woman who is now liable for her husband's debts which he created since BEFORE we even met and which he did not tell me about until we were about 5 years into the marriage, and that debt which is now running into 6 figures. I have no idea how I will pay this, and it's been a strain on our marriage for at least 8 years now (we've been married 13 years).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): to me it sounds like you dont' want to be 'trapped' *in case* anything turns bad in the future. That's perfectly reasonable. it does not mean you're any less dedicated to your relationship than those people who do get married (since half of them get divorced later on and the other half that stay married aren't all happy either but staying for other reasons).I think you should honestly tell him why you don't want to get married. It's because of the "what if's". it also makes it harder to cut loose if something goes terribly wrong with the relationship. if he questions your commitment, well I don't think it's admirable to tie yourself to a sinking ship just to show commitment. Not that I think your relationship is sinking, that's not what I mean. I just think it's perfectly reasonable to have a back up plan in case the relationship does not work out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): Marriage doesnt mean his debts will become yours. He can still pay off his own debts while being married to you. Being oldfashioned it seems a bit strange to me, that you dont want to be legaly married to the father of your children. I think you really need to talk to a an attorney, because being legally married you get a lot of benefits. Also i just want to say about his family. Its not his fault that his family is insane. My husband family said a lot of bad things about me also. And i tend to take it on him. He felt misserable, as he was turned between me , our child and his parents.We survived this insane period, and years took over. Now, we ve been married for many years. When i visit them, very old, noone remembers what was said 25 years ago. Well, i do, but i dont hold it against them. They were my age when they said stupid things about me, i hope i wont repeat the same mistake about our children spouses.Peopel do stupid things all the time, but there is no reason to influence your future.Also i dont think its a good idea to look at other people experience and think, o, that might me be in my future. That would be a future full of other peoples experiences. Its your life and unless you lived it you ll never know.
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A
female
reader, franny1297  +, writes (3 October 2012):
 Marriage is a big step in life just because you heard that your mum's friend got divorced after being married for 20yrs+ doesn't mean it will happen to you. Also it's a normal thing to feel nervous? anxious? akward? things will go wrong? the feeling that you just shouldn't get married? by what i've heard about you coming closer even after fights makes me think that all will work out. you may wan't to disscus it with him and ask him waht he thinks. respect his answer too. it's not much but i hope this helped. Good Luck xx
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 October 2012):
 There really is only one thing you can do here and that is be honest with him. It is good to hear you are committed to him and your family and that you are a happy little unit, but communication is also a huge part of a relationship. So you just need to bite the bullet and tell him how you have been feeling. Yes you should be prepared for disappointment and maybe even anger from him, but all you can do is be honest with him about how you feel and explain your reasons for it.
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