| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: I have a huuge problem that I'm not exactly ready to face. I have a problem with sex. Im 19 and my boyfriend and I have decided to wait till marriage to have sex. I'm fine with that, but I'm dreading the day we do get married and I'll be obligated to have sex.I'm so scared of it that I don't even use a tampon...They scare me. A lot. The last time I used one I threw up afterwards because I was so traumatized. There's no way I'm ever gonna be able to have sex, let alone have a baby!Even though my boyfriend means more to me than anything, his love can't ease the pain of sex for the first time.I know there really isnt any advice you can offer but do you guys have any tips or experiences?Thank you soo muchXoxo Kay
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2006): you need to tell your husband to be what you wrote here. this guy is supposed to marry you and youre sharing more intimate information with strangers on the web than with him. i dunno about you guys but if i waited to have sex with my girlfriend till we got married and then found out she hates sex i would immediately wnat a divorce. oh also, not to be rude or anything, but the kind of fears you are having can be caused by childhood trauma/molestation. if this is the case get counseling immediately before you ruin a good marriage
A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (4 January 2006):
 i would just like to point out that it has been many years since the laws changed to state that a woman is not obligated to have sex with anyone, even her husband.
your boyfriend should be understanding gentle and patient with you even on your wedding night. but in the meantime it sounds like you could do with some help from a counsellor maybe to get to the root of the problem or a therapy hypnotist maybe, but surely noone would be better to talk this through with than your husband and the talks could make you come to a deeper level of trust which in turn could help.
i hope that all goes well for you and your fella
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A
female
reader, purrfectionist84 +, writes (4 January 2006):
 Hey girl,
Sex can be a wonderful thing when experienced between two people who love each other. When the time is right, it should be something that you WANT to do, not something that you're obligated to do. You shouldn't be afraid of it. Not everyone's first time is painful (I know that mine wasn't), and even when it is, the pain generally doesn't last for long. It does help to use lots of foreplay before sex, and you can also use a vaginal lubricant product if you're worried that you won't be well lubricated on your own. Before having sex for the first time, you should talk to your boyfriend (or husband) about your concerns and make sure that he is as slow and gentle as possible. In the meantime, try to think differently about sex. Look at it as an important, meaningful component to a healthy marriage. Try to confront any feelings that sex is dirty or sinful, if such feelings exist and are a factor contributing to your fear of intercourse. If past experiences such as rape or sexual abuse are a factor, then you should probably consider counseling to help you recover from these painful experiences so that you can have a healthy sex life in the future.
I respect your decision to wait until marriage. But before you get married, you need to make sure that you're ready (mentally, emotionally, and physically) for everything that marriage entails, and this includes a healthy sexual relationship. Sex isn't the most important part of a marriage, but the two do tend to come hand in hand, and if you're not ready for sex, then you're probably not ready for marriage.
I'm wishing you the best of luck.
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A
male
reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (4 January 2006):
 I can't understand this no-sex-before-marriage mentality. Have you considered that you may not be sexually compatible with your husband-to-be?
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A
female
reader, aunty butterfly +, writes (4 January 2006):
 hello,
I must start by congratulating you,there are not many people these days that wait to be married before having sex,so well done you!.
I think that you have to just tell your boyfriend that you are feeling this way...chances are that he will set a mood for you when the time is right...do you trust his mind,as well as love him?if your answer is yes,then things should fall into place the first time you make love.He's not going to be there to hurt you,he'll be there to love you and make you feel great...and you will if you just let it be.
A luxurious warm bath could also help to relax you and loosen up all your anxieties(if you know what i mean)and take things slowly,there's a lot to be said about foreplay so i would highly recomend things like exploring each others bodies and learning how to touch each other in the right ways before going straight for the sex,you'll find you'll connect better in all sorts of ways.
As for using tampons,not everybody can use them,i have never been able to use them myself(too damn uncomfortable if you ask me)but i have managed to get married,have sex and have my son...just because you can't use them it doesn't mean you can't do these things,it just means you feel the same way i do about them...so please stop worrying and i wish you all the best for the future...bless ya! Aunty B xx
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (4 January 2006):
Hi there,
You must be feeling very lost and hopeless don't you, you feel like there is no way out and that you stuck and you don't want to face this? Well there is GOOD news, you CAN get through it.
Have you ever had a phobia of something? Its a sever fear, and I mean truly severe, so much that the person usualy comes up in phsyicaly sypmtoms of anxiety that may include, naseua, vomiting, head ahces, head spins, dizziness, fainting, loss for breath which can then cause numbness to the hands or feet due to not enough oxygen, chest pains and plenty more. You, have already said that the one time you tried to insert a tampon you vomited after,so that in itself shows you might be suffering from a phobia. Either way, you do have alot of anixeites about using tampons, sex, and having a baby, and believe me, I understand why! I am like you, although im only 16, i dont know how i would ever use a tampton, or have sex, or have a baby!
But you, have tried and that shows bravey, yet due to the traumatization you went through, I think its time you see a professioanl. NO! You are not crazy! All people who suffer froom phobias, and I myself suffer from a dog phobia, need to seek professional help. its a psycological set that your mind gets set into, and the only way to change it, is normally through professioanl help, as a professional will know what to do!
Having said, I think its important you tell your bf how you feel. I too, have imagined that if I ever did get a serious bf, that I would proobably say im waiting for marriage, then dread the day it comes! But you need to be honest. Tell him that you are really scared, and because of that, you are goiing to go see your doctor who can refer you to either a psycholigist, counsellor, or thearpist, whichever is needed. Tell your doctor that you suffer from severe fears of using tampons, sex and having a baby, so then they can look for one who might specialise in that area.
From there, the professional person will be able to help you deal wiht your huge fears and help you talk to your bf about it, if not already so done! It might be hard oepning up at first, but dont worry the counsellor will help you open up, just say you are a bit shy at opening up and they will understand and work with you slowly, yet effectivly!
I truly hope you do seek professioanl help, as I would hate to see you just have sex the day you get married and truly regret it, or for your bf to propose and you decline and dont tell him why and he thinks its cause you dont love him.
good luck! and let us know how it goes :)
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