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female
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anonymous
writes: I discovered my husband had an affair one year ago. We are still together but he treats me so badly. He is constantly nasty- and emotionally abusive.Everything is my fault and I am rubbish. Everything I read says how "sorry men are and how they beg their wives to forgive them". My husband said "sorry" once and then told me to "get over it".Why is he behaving like this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2006): His apology to you was just a smokescreen, hun..he doesn't regret the affair and he's feels he's entitled to being angry/defensive about it. All he regrets is getting caught. He has absolutely no respect for you thus he treats you like a dog and I am so sorry. dear. No woman on this earth deserves that type of treatment. The two healthy basic beliefs of marriage is that both partners deserve equal respect and equal opportunities to be themselves. There are incredibly, wonderful, loving men out there. Sadly you don't have one of them. He's one of those men who fell into a foolish trap of believing that they are better than the woman he married-therefore they rationalize that they deserve more rights and privileges.(sad, isn't it?) This is the root of abusive behaviour in all people. Some men start to make excuses for little acts of disrespect, or blame their wife for “causing them” to behave a certain way, minimize their behavior by not being completely honest with themselves, they will most likely slowly drift into being abusive/controlling towards their partner. The time to catch abuse is before it becomes entrenched in a man’s behavior-but it may be too late for your husband. He's abusing you already. He's apologized once and told you you to "get over it'. This is not respect-nor is it solid, supportive love.
Your husband is also acting this way because he's doesn't feel what he did is wrong and he likely sees no reason to change. He is ripe to do this again to you- and I bet my bottom dollar-he will commit infidelity again. Some people like this quite often do realize the errors of their ways, long after the wife and kids pack up and walk away...leaving him to stew in his own negativity and self-hate. Men like this need intensive counselling but most are too pig headed to realize it. So what do you do? Firstly, you do not tolerate the emotional abuse and you protect yourself and your family (if you have kids)before he drags you under further. He's emotionally abusing you..he's committed adultry and he still feels entitled. As far as I'm concerned, he's given you two big reasons to walk away from all this. Or...you can stay and tolerate it for another decade or two. Or, you can see if he'll change and go into marriage counselling. Or, you can go visit a good lawyer and start planning a divorce because if he's abusive, your future with him, will continue to be a nightmare. It will wear you down-until you believe he never did anything wrong. Abuse is insidious..it works on the destroying the soul of the person suffering through it which could be you. You have some thinking to do, dear. But never allow anyone to tear you down-no one has the right to do that. Take care and my heart is with you.
Hugs, Irish
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (4 January 2006):
 Why is he behaving like this? I'll tell you why...because he's a first-class asshole and he knows you'll put up with this behavior. Kick the jerk out and start the divorce proceedings. You'll be much happier in the long run. This leopard isn't going to change his spots.
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (4 January 2006):
 Hi dearie, my own opinion is that ur husband probably isnt sorry that he did it period. if he was then he would be compassionate and not blame everything on u. How can he think u can love him when he is beastly to u.
You say he treats u bad then u have to leave or at least go away to sort everything out. If u feel u wouldnt get someone else(which i dont believe), then maybe its better for u to be alone that to be in such an environment when u arent happy and he abuses u emtionally.
Goodluck dear
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (4 January 2006):
My dear, that is horrible how your 'husband', if thats what you want to call him as a true husband wouldn't treat his wife like that, is treating you so badly! He has no respect for you, he hasnt been loyal, and he doesn't show any sign of caring, loving and wantign to be with you.
What he does to you, not only the cheating, but the emotiuanl abuse, has got to stop! Yet somehow, I think that would be a very long and hard road to get him to stop and there is no deffinate answer that he will. He has to ahcknowlege that he has a problem and that his way of treating you is WRONG! its emotional abuse and that is just not on. I suggest you leave him, right now. Why are you even stil lwith him, after all of this? Can you honestly say you love a man who doesnt love you and who abuses you and who betrays you??????
You DESERVE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much more then him. He obvisouly has his own issue that lye underneath, yet you shoudlnt be punishing for them, let him work through them by himself, because he has had heaps of times throughout your marriage and relationship to tell you why he is like he is, yet he hasnt has he. If anything he needs professional help. But you still shoud leabe him.
Don't fear that you will be lonely and wont ever be married again, be happy that you wont be putting up with abuse anymore!
I stronly hope that you do get out of that siituation ASAP! Talk to friends and family you trust about it, who should support you. take care
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