A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Here's the situation. I use to live alone in a two bedroom apartment. One room for me to sleep, use computer, hang out, etc. The other room was my workout room with all my weights, benchs, punching bag, etc. I enjoyed the solitary lifestyle. My own private getaway from the stressful world on the outside. I LOVED IT.Now. . .it's all a distant memory. Early December, a few members of my immediate family ran into some trouble. Two of the bread winners in their circle lost their jobs. I, being the soft-hearted, gullible, person that I am, agreed to let them stay for a while until they get back on their feet. They promised it would only last a month. Swore that they wouldn't stay too long. Vowed it was only for a short while. Not wanting to rush them, I halfheartedly said to take your time. At the time I said it, I meant it. Now. . .now I just wish I could travel back in time and slap myself into a coma for even uttering such words. Six months later and they're STILL here. STILL making a mess. STILL taking advantage of the free lifestyle. Internet is provided, lights are provided, water is provided. All for free because I pay for it. Not once in the first five months did I ask for a cent. NOT ONCE. My theory was, if they could keep all the money they get (one of them is married and her husband has two jobs) then they could have a better chance at getting somewhere else sooner. So I never asked for a cent. It wasn't until recently that a friend suggested that the only reason they're not leaving is because everything is provided without them having to lift a finger. That whatever money they have, they use for themselves. Why should they leave to take on responsibility when you so willingly carry it on your shoulders? It really opened my eyes when he said that.In an attempt to persuade them that life wasn't as free as they imagined it, I asked if they could take on ONE BILL, JUST ONE. Obviously with so many of them there, my light bill is three times the amount I usually pay. I carry the weight of every single bill that arrives at my doorstep. Light, Internet, Cable, Phone, Cel Phone, Car Insurance, Rent, Water, Mechanical Fees, Food, etc. I ask them to take care of one and here I am, caving and paying.I asked her if she could, she said she could get her husband to pay the one bill. The due date arrives and I text her to please make sure it's paid or the lights will be turned off, no reply. I called, no answer. I got so frustrated that I just caved and paid it myself. She knew about this two weeks in advance yet she sidestepped me and ignored my pleas. I know she's around because I just heard her leave through the front door. I'm just so fed up with this. It's to the point where I'm thinking of crashing at my girlfriends house for a while and just let the lights get turned off next month. I know I'll be the bad guy in the family but I'm about to go insane because there's just too many bills and too much responsibility resting on my shoulders. I barely even have money to go out. I can't kick them out because they're family but I know they're taking advantage of me.By the way. It's six of them. two above 18yo guys, two above 23yo women and two children. You would think at least one of them would have found a job in the last six months. The guys crash in my living room and the girls in my spare room. I've never felt like running away before but I definitely feel it now.Sorry for the long post. I just needed to rant for a bit.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 May 2014):
 Yeah it's probably breaking the law to have that many in the same apartment of your size. I would go to the landlord and ask them for some help in getting them out..
An official letter from the landlord saying that they have to vacate in 60 days or whatever should be enough.
I would also have it sent to you registered meaning YOU and only YOU can sign for it...
A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (15 May 2014):
OP I agree with you in that I would do anything I could to help my family if they needed it, but that also means I'd expect them to treat me with the same respect in return. And your family are not. Any obligations you feel towards them are now null and void because they are not keeping their side of the bargain - to treat you with the same kindness as you've showed them.
Stop feeling bad and ask them to leave.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2014): I have been in a couple of situations like that before. If your apartment is rented, then tell them that the landlord is refusing letting others to stay with you. You can even arrange with the landlord to come and put up a show in front of them for your benefit.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (15 May 2014):
 There is an easy way out you know.
Move.
Do you own the apartment or do you rent? It doesn't matter either way. Don't renew your lease or sell up.
Tell your rellie's that you cant afford to keep paying and you have to move to a cheaper place (And emphasise that you can not take them with you! I know how sad). They move out, and you get a new place with all the "me" space you want.
Either that or you can throw them out send them to your parents house.
Your call.
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A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (15 May 2014):
 Hi,
I know this all too well unfortunately. I started letting a parishioner who had fallen on rough times use my spare room. A year later and said parishioner had stolen things while I was out and then disappeared.
I think that letting your family stay indefinitely was a mistake, they will see you as a sucker and that is why they are leeching. I would be blunt and to the point, you have 30 days to find somewhere else.
I don't think they given the evidence could ever accuse you of being the bad guy here. Naive yes, but that isn't a crime.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2014): The others are right to point out that, by being the good guy this long, you are actually setting yourself up to be seen as "the bad guy" when you final put a limit on what you are willing to put up with.It sucks but some families are like this - I was like you, endlessly giving and anytime I tried to put up some limits I was, ever after, known as the black sheep of the family, all my kindness and patience and loss to my own needs was forgotten in an instant. Actually, it was never acknowledged in the first place. It absolutely sucks when this happens, but some family members have a way of manipulating things to make you seem like the bad guy, even when you've stepped up and done things that no one else would, to try to help.My concern is that you guard against becoming the black sheep AS WELL as get them out. So the way you go about it must be carefully thought and as non-confrontational but firm as possible.Why don't you ask your other family members, who are not the one's staying with you, what their opinion is? By opening out the predicament to the others in your family, if you have any, you then make it clear to everyone else who is family, that you are being taken advantage of - you don't have to word it in that way, just ask as many of the others what they think you should do - by doing that you start to shift the responsibility away from just you and onto others.If you don't have any other family and only the people who are clearly milking you for everything you have, then you MUST sit all of them down and point out that you are currently supporting all six of them and they are doing NOTHING in return and it is not fair. Ask them if they think it is fair. And ask them how they see the situation being changed into a fair one. Ask them what they would like to happen. They are NOT likely to say: well, we want to stay here and bleed you dry for another six months until you have a breakdown. They are likely to moan about how difficult things are for them. So you have to then ask what they think is is fair for you to give. Just keep returning to the issue of fairness over and over again, until they have to admit that what they are doing is totally unfair on you and that they MUST start to act responsibly.Discussion is key, even with people who are not open to it. At least then, in retrospect, you can say that the matter was discussed and the agreements that you came to were between all of you. If NONE of your family will discuss any of it with you at all, then I'd say just kick them out. Someone ALWAYS has to set a standard for how things should be, even if the others don't like it and don't get it. In this case, that may have to be you. I'm sure you have "a pair" but you may have to super-size them, at least temporarily.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 May 2014):
 Give them 2 weeks or 1 month (whatever suits YOU) and tell them it's time for them to move out. You can no longer afford to CARRY them all.
USE the bill they DIDN'T pay as an example.
IT IS OK to tell them they have to move out. They WILL get over it.
I can't comprehend why they think it's OK to DO this to a family member.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 May 2014):
 Give them 30 days, and then if they don't get out of your house on their own, file for eviction in the courts (unlawful detainer), which messes up their credit rating as well, showing up as a public record.
Whatever you do, DO NOT let your own credit suffer by letting bills get shut off on you or get an eviction on your own record. You could wait until your lease is up and move.
Don't worry about being the bad guy. They own their leechiness, not you.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (14 May 2014):
 I’m thinking; when does your lease expire? Could you find another apartment to move into?
This proviso about helping family does not initial family to budge and or leech off of you! Had you not caved in to paying the electricity, your point would have been made sooner and clearer. Now you’ll have to wait another insane month to get your point across, but make it 2 bills this time!
Friend, you certainly need to change your thinking about being the bad guy in this picture. I agree that one must teach a person how to fish, not supply them with the whole flippin’ fish and chip shop!? You’ve done more than enough and received nothing but a mess of grief and their imposing guilt trip.
Time to tell them; (as a suggestion) you can’t afford keeping them any longer, they need to look for another place because you’re advertising for a housemate to help you with the bills or that you’re moving out and they can take over the lease!
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 May 2014):
 Also, take all the entertainment type of electronics, TV, computer, video games, etc, over to your girlfriend's place. Explain that you had to pawn them to pay your bills.
Make sure they don't have access to your mail or your credit. Get a PO box if needed and forward your mail to that until they are gone.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 May 2014):
Do not avoid paying your bills. You will ruin your credit if you do that. Do not leave the apartment, you will look like you have sublet it to the mooching family members and you may wind up being evicted and again, it will affect your credit.
I'm surprised your landlord or apartment management hasn't caught up with you to discuss 7 people living in the space you are legally responsible for as a tenant.
"Light, Internet, Cable, Phone, Cel Phone, Car Insurance, Rent, Water, Mechanical Fees, Food, etc." Electricity (light) is a shared expense, as is Internet, Cable, Phone. You are responsible for your own Cell Phone (you aren't paying for theirs, are you?), your own Car Insurance, your own Rent because you are the one who signed the lease. Now Water (which is pretty cheap for me, not a big expense) and sewer would be shared costs, how much has that gone up since they have been there?. What are Mechanical Fees?
You buy your own food. You don't buy theirs.
"Dear family members, who I care about and want the best for... I have been accommodating for 6 months. Alas, the time has come for you to find new living arrangements. I know this isn't ideal but it is time for you to go. I simply cannot afford the added costs any longer. I'm giving you 30 days and after that, alas, my apartment is no longer available to you. As a result of the financial burdens on me, I have to report that the internet is shut off as of today, as is the phone (except for local calls), as well as the cable. I had to make some drastic budget adjustments and those were the first to go."
Just be firm and calm about it. "Sorry, it's out of my hands now." "No can do." "I've been your biggest supporters for 6 months." "It's time to find another place to stay now."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): Ok, 2 women are probably mothers of the 2 kids, right? So if the kids are very small, they hardly will go to work. The 18th years olds, they don't work?? How is it even possible? There is work everywhere for minimum wage. It's tough but this what 18 years olds do, they do shitty jobs until they finish college and get normal jobs . We all did it, and hated it, but we got up every morning and went to work, as we needed to pay the bills. Your kind heart actually is doing them disservice. As you said they are leaching of you and will do it if you keep n letting them. Actually going to your girlfriend and stop paying utilities is an excellent idea. When the water is turned off, and there is no AC in a house during summer months, they will go, but it might happen that they will start paying bills, but only that. No, you need to kick them out. It's been 6 months, it time for them to go. All of them can work for even little money, there is no excuse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): Oh I think you SHOULD kick them out. When I was 18, I didnt have to pay rent, but I had a job, went to school, paid my own car insurance, paid for my horses, and would always ask if my mom needed help w bills or food. I was only working part time... so they should be able to find a job and help out. I agree they are taking advantage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): Be careful. Be very careful. Your desire to help them may turn you into the bad guy in the end. My cousin stayed with me on several occasions and when you do the math it turned out to be a couple of years! A friend of mine, who came for 3 months only stayed for 3 years!First of all, I realized I did them no favors by agreeing that they can stay for free. They were not motivated to find a better job and get on their feet. They slept on my couch, played no bills, they only bought food for themselves. And at the time I was barely making the ends meet. My mom died and I just turned 21. I felt awful when I had to tell my cousin to leave, then I made the same mistake with my friend. Now I’m more careful. I prefer to teach the m how to fish instead of giving them a fish. I never say “you can stay as much as you need”. I set boundaries. I had to learn.You can always say that you thought you could handle it (financially and otherwise). You did the best you could (which you did) and give them a deadline (a month?).Good luck!
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (14 May 2014):
 You have two choices. Risk being seen as the bad guy, or suck it up and keep paying indefinitely. They can only leech off you if you let them. Tell them that you were prepared to help them for a month or two, so it's now past time that they look after themselves. Give them a deadline -- have their own place by June 1. If they don't, then talk to a lawyer and see what your legal options are. It seems pretty clear that these people will be content to be parasites until you're prepared to be a hard ass. Yes it sucks that you're in this situation, sucks that you've been taken advantage of, but only you can look out for yourself.
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