A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am so scared that I'm never going to be happy. Lately, I've felt so discouraged that my heart is breaking. I know that I need to get over some things, and be grateful for the things I have, but sometimes the void inside me just makes me want to explode. I would like to have a boyfriend, and I don't give up easily but I feel so discouraged and frustrated that for the first time I feel like just saying... "I give up."All my life, I've been searching for someone who will love me back, who will love me too much to ever break my heart. I've been disapointed time and again, and I'm so sick and tired of my tears.I'm not racist and I don't mean to offend anyone, but I am simply not attracted to white American guys. Unfortunately, I'm a white North American woman, the typical boring mutt (British, Spanish, German, French, Czechoslovakian? Austrian? Native American? God knows what else... ancestry, I guess it doesn't matter I'm a typical American white woman and we are hated almost the world over). I know that some latinos are attracted to American women, because a friend or two has told me so, but those guys seem to be the exception. I despise racism but I've never felt like I belonged with "my own kind," or white American guys (no offense to anyone). I think it's in part due to bad memories, and it's part due to the fact that American culture seems really cold in comparison with latin culture, and in part due to the fact that I like adventure and romance, and the thought of marrying the boy next door seems blase and unmagical. I want someone magical and latin culture seems magical to me. I know this sounds banal but I'm not a great writer. I want someone who will be sweet and romantic and talk to me in Spanish. I lived and studied in Mexico and I became friends with a boy at my university, and fell for him. My love for him has faded, but it still makes me feel jealous to see him loving and being romantic with his girlfriend. Every time he gets a girlfriend, it's always a girl from his own culture. I want so badly to confide in one of my friends, and I feel guilty for not doing that... but I'm afraid that I'll say something that will inadvertently hurt their feelings and I can't bear to lose them. I really hate racism, but sometimes I feel jealous and resentful of Mexican girls. I'm starting to feel like deep down, most guys in that culture are always going to desire a woman from that culture, and that that's the natural order of things. I'm starting to feel angry because I feel like being an American woman closes doors, and I'll never have the same chance of getting a latino boyfriend that a latin girl would. We're all familiar with the stereotype, but I don't think I fit the stereotype, but... that's all anyone ever sees in me! It makes me angry that most guys won't give me half a chance.I'm not promiscuous, I'm not a man-hating feminazi, I'm not some dumb bumpkin. Sometimes I feel like a loser, never having slept with anyone at my age, but I'm not an easy slut (which people expect me to be, as a white, foreign girl). I speak three foreign languages and I read books and know about things like music and arts. I know that I'd be a great girlfriend, and I'm actually very loving... but I'm a white foreign girl (in Mexico I'd be considered foreign) and that's all anyone ever sees in me!There are plenty of things about my country that really disgust me, (no offense to my fellow US-ians) but I can't help the fact that I was born in the United States. I swear I don't mean to offend anyone, but I don't believe that latin men are significantly more likely to cheat, despite what everyone tells me. I've heard that, but I don't understand how an ENTIRE race of people can be bad. Still, sometimes I feel like most people do cheat on their partner, sooner or later, and I'm so scared to let someone into my heart and be disappointed all over again. I just wish there were some magic spell that could turn me into something else... but unfortunately, that's wishful thinking and the only REAL magic in this world... is in latin culture. And I feel like my chances of being part of that world and sharing my life, are slim to none.I'm so tired of being lonely. I have stuff to be grateful for, and I need to get over this, but I don't want to spend my life alone. I wish and wish that there were someone out there who was searching for me. I keep wondering, where's my special person? I'm losing heart.I'm getting so sad because my birthday is coming up and I don't want my youth to be gone forever, and I'm scared that I'm destined to be single forever. It just seems unrealistic, who is going to want a 30 year old American woman... and be faithful and love that woman forever? If you can help me thank you. I just had to get this off my chest.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): There are two things that helped me through this kind of feeling. One I had to stop looking for my ideal in the outside package, because that was crap, I had made up this idea of what was romantic and beautiful and sexy based on movies, romance novels and tv shows. First I had to stop playing God and deciding what was going to be good for me. I started looking inside of me and looking for the kind of wife/mom/friend I wanted to be. I prayed for that. Then I went and did some service work (Sounds like you have a desire to go travel, etc...) Have you thought about doing some kind of missional/peace corp type work in other countries? Most of the time the people I have men (men included) who I was most attracted to are those who were interested in being of service to the world, because i wanted someone who was empathetic, sweet, romantic, caring, nurturing, strong, masculine, basically your every day night in shining armor. What I realized was that all those novels I read had one thing in common. The hero was always saving the world. And in the process the heroine was rescued because she was too weak to do it herself. She submitted to the idea that the man was stronger.
How can we be strong females with no need to be cared for and yet want so much to be cared for? We are a paradox in this day and age of feminism, equality, "I can do it myself"
All I really wanted was to find that Guy who fulfilled the lyrics in Billy Joel's song "Just the way you are" Like I wanted a guy who would say those things to me.
I found him. Not in the places I was looking, but in the very place I refused to look.
I found a power first that allowed me to feel ok about me, to feel safe and protected, to feel like I was small and the world was large and that there was a beautiful Higher Being that wanted to love and protect me, when I stopped focusing so hard on getting what I wanted, and instead worked on helping others, suddenly everything felt and got better and a guy of my dreams showed up.
I believe to my core now that the spiritual journey to happiness is more important than the physical ideas of happiness I have, and the physical/material happiness showed up as a result of just allowing myself to not focus so much on me me me, and instead being willing to put myself out there and help others first. I became a much more rounded, attractive, and happy person (to myself and to others.)
A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (29 March 2009):
 I didn't mean that all American guys are a certain way, but since I grew up in American culture, American guys are the boy next door, which is relative. People are very much shaped by the culture in which they grew up (except for me but I'm an oddball :) ). I don't want an ordinary life... I hate the idea of staying in one place, doing what everyone else does, and accepting convention without questioning it. Boring...
I always felt like I was meant to be somewhere else. I wanted to be accepted as a kid, but I was awkward and other kids thought I was weird. English was my first language but people critized me for not being articulate... then I moved to Mexico and Spanish came so naturally to me that I started thinking in Spanish and talking as naturally as if it were my first language. It's so uncanny, after a lifetime of stubbing my toes in American culture, I go to some foreign conutry and spread my wings and find out I can fly. I feel like I belong in latin culture and dont' want to be an outsider. :)
I'm digressing I know but you did help me. Thanks.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (29 March 2009):
k_c100,
Thanks for listening to me, I know I wrote a lot. It's not that I don't appreciate what you've done for me (I DO) but I need to clarify some things...
It's not hyhpocrisy, it's about sexual preference and attracion:
I grew up in American culture, wasn't accepted all my life, but loved latin stuff and looked to the day when I could live in a latin country. Then I studied in Mexico and I was accepted in a culture that had been half my life for so long. Imagine what that meant to me, to someone who hadn't been accepted in her own culture... to be accepted by a culture I'd loved all my life. It meant everything... of course I want a latino. It's the natural thing.
My aunt gave me a lecture about "all latin men are cheaters" and that "a latin man will never LOVE you," and "do the right thing and marry one of your own kind."
What she said made me feel discouraged, even though I questioned it. I don't see how a culture that created so many wonderful things can be bad.
At one point, I was in love with this guy from university and he led me on, making me think he wanted a relationship and he was crazy about me, and ultimately, he was unfaithful. I told my aunt, and she defended him, saying, "It's his culture." I feel like this guy had a choice, and he didn't care about me all that much and shouldn't have made out that he did.
Thanks for listening to me, though.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (29 March 2009):
 If you really dont like living in the US then why not just move? Its really that simple - move to another country! You speak 3 languages so you can move to wherever you feel like living, find a job out there and live in a culture you feel is more suited to your personality. Once you move there you will become integrated into that culture and men over there may see you as relationship potential.
You are letting the colour of your skin hold you back in life - men are not ignoring you because you are white, it is because you lack confidence and comfort in your own skin. Men are attracted to confident, happy women that feel good in their own skin. Whereas you hate your own skin, so of course you are going to be alone until you learn to be happy with yourself.
You seem so passionate about not sterotyping the whole latin race that not all latin men are cheaters (which of course they are not) - but you are being a hypocrite by sterotyping all white men as unromantic and "boy next door" types! You shouldnt have your heart set on one type of man, you should open your heart and mind to the idea of loving any man that is right for you, no matter where he is from or what colour his skin is. If you are going to live your life being so narrow minded and set in this "ideal" you have in your head then you are never going to find a man to love and who truly loves you back.
The worst thing to do when you are looking for love is to have a "type" - this automatically discounts so many men and you will end up missing out on the chance to meet some great guys all because you have this vision of "mr perfect latin guy" stuck in your head. Open your mind to all men - that someone out there is right for you. You just cant tell what he will look like, what religion he will be or what culture he will come from. But you will no when you meet him that he is right for you, and none of the culture stuff will matter - all that will matter is that he is the perfect guy for you.
You are closing doors for yourself with the way you think - you have stereotyped yourself and other Americans for no apparent reason. If you change the way you think other people see you and stop caring about what other people think then you might actually get somewhere in life. Not all people hate Americans, and not all men believe that white American women are the stereotype that you have in your head. You seem to have created this issue in your head, possibly to make your bad memories seem easier to cope with. You need to wake up and realise that sterotypes are all in the mind - if you can forget about yours and just live your life the way you want to then you will start to find that men will be interested.
I do think you should move to latin country (there are plenty of options with Spanish being one of the most widely spoke languages!). If you want that passion and love and romance then make the move to a different country where you feel you belong - then hopefully once you feel you belong you will be more comfortable with yourself and this will shine through and be incredibly attractive to men. But dont write off all white men, some can be incredibly romantic and passionate, you clearly just havent met one yet!
Take the steps you need to take to make yourself feel like you fit in, and stop worrying about stereotypes and race, these are all just conjured up in the head and dont exist outside of peoples minds.
I hope this helps!
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