A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am now the single one out of all my friends and I don't know what to do. I'm 31 attractive and have a good Job in recruitment. I'm living with friends in London and always had a good social life. However that's recently changed. All - and I mean all, my friends are in relationships, all of a sudden I've realized I'm the only single one and I'm getting old and have no one. Even my shy friend who no one thought would marry met a guy last year aged 33 and now engaged. My best friend who has been single for 4 years with me (we've been out having fun) has recently met a guy who is amazing and I hate to admit but I'm jealous, I really like him and have a crush on him (not that I would ever dream of doing anything) his a top lawyer, 30, tall, model, in a band and plays guitar and his lovely. They have started dating and are in love. My other friend recently got with a mutual friend of ours and their very happy.... Everyone... I went through my phone book last night. Not one friend who is over the age of 25 is single! Except for me. I'm so scared I'm now going to be left on shelf. I'm 32 in a few months and really just want to meet someone nice. But all the men I do meet are either 25 or don't want relationships. I am attractive and educated and sociable and have a good job in recruitment. Maybe I'm not a catch. I thought I wasn't too bad haha! But maybe my job puts men off or fact that I am keen. I'm just very sad and scared that I'm too old now to meet someone and settle. And since my friends are all in relationships. Where would I meet someone, I have no one to go out to bars and events with. Am I going to be single forever?! And I know people say to me Internet date, but i'm so bad at that. I don't know what to say Thanks x
View related questions:
best friend, crush, engaged, jealous, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 December 2011):
 For the pessimistic anon male reader : and how do you think clichès got to be clichès ? :)...Because experience has proved them to happen many many times.
To attract and interest people, you've got to be attractive and you've got to be interesting. Someone whose only purpose in life, only thought is how to get paired is not attractive and not interesting. Someone who's got a life is.
Yet , sometime the devil sticks its tail into things. Sometime happy ,lovely people don't get what they would deserve. Sometimes that's just how it is.
And ?... Life isn't fair, and that's no big surprise. Drop by any hospital , and you'll see that's not just the bad people who get sick.
But, fair or not, might as well try living it, and try loving it. You'll maximize your chances of meeting someone right, and if you just don't, it beats staying home feeling sorry for yourself anytime.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 December 2011):
 my only question is your going to be 32 so what's wrong with a 25 year old if he wants a serious relationship?
when I was 32 my fiance was: NINETEEN!
after 25 or so age means NOTHING... don't discount the younger men...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): I would suggest a high quality and more exclusive dating website if you can search for one - not just mass market. If you can be referred to dates on a more one to one basis i think that will help you. I would definitely try lots of different hobbies etc but that is not a guarantee of a date but it will help you as a person not feel like you are on the shelf. if it helps i am 39 and this approach worked for me.
...............................
A
male
reader, eek +, writes (22 December 2011):
 I would stop worrying if I was you. I have the same problem and I know exactly how you feel, all my friends are either with a partner, married or engaged.
Like you I would love nothing more than to find someone who I can love and who will love me in return. We both still have time dont worry and hopefully neither of us will end up on the shelf. :-)
good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): Love the way people do the "keep going out, be interesting, someone will come along" - I know lots of people who get out there, have lots of hobbies, great people. They're still single. They don't give off any desperate vibe and they are lovely people. Some of them have dated, never goes beyond date two. Sometimes that's just how it is.
But it's very rarely single people who say those cliched things.
I've done internet dating. Lots of strange people only after sex. Some sites are better than others. However, you have a MAJOR advantage in living in London where there are several million people living.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): Same here..!! But I think I m a good person, never done bad to someone so its like what u sows is what u reap..
So it would be true for u too.. there's no use worrying( its just add some wrinkles)
Just BE GOOD DO GOOD..
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 December 2011):
On the shelf at 31 ? Naaahhh. You are not a yoghurt,you don't have an expiration date, you are not going to go bad and send out a strange scent.
I second what Tisha says, when you are looking for something- bf, job, a flat , anything- you 've got to be proactive, determined and scientific about it.
BUT, also relaxed. Focused on your desire- but not attached to the result ( yeah, it's difficult. Even Buddhist monks would have trouble with that ) . You should focus on enjoying the travel more than on reaching the destination. You are keen and that's fine, - but don't be TOO keen, don't send out panicky,desperate, I'm going to be left on the shelf vibes- people can sense that from miles afar , and it turns them off and scares them away.
So ? So start enjoying your life MORE, and living it more fully, chances are that you 'll meet sooner and more easily someone who wants to share this bountry.
Go out and about, take up new hobbies and classes, begin something that you really enjoy, single or not. You can go out with female friends or acquaintances, or even alone, why not, in London ?! who's going to judge, who's going to care - that's the beauty of big cities. Well, yeah, maybe hitting the bars alone isn't that great, but bars do not offer such great relationship material anyway . But again, in London ? there must be tons of single events, art shows, cultural and sport groups, voluntary work projects, and whatnot that you can join.
Don't sit on the shelf waiting for Prince Charming to pick you up and take you to the cash register . Once you can muster some enthusiasm for your life , people will muster some enthusiasm for you. Nearly mathematic. And if it still does not work ? If regardless of your efforts and optimism the Prince does not come ... ? Well, at least you'll be LIVING, you'll be doing something- whether it's fun or intellectual or frivolous stuff, according to your personality ... always better than sitting on the shelf brooding and worrying !
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): I would say give internet dating a go. It's not for losers anymore - there are a lot of people out there (particularly over 20s)who find it hard to be in the situations where you might meet someone. Give it a go - with a light heart, think of it as an adventure.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 December 2011):
 You're only on the shelf because you put yourself there, I think.
"Hey, friends! Yes, all of you! I have an announcement to make! I am ready for a relationship, after all these years of being single, I have decided I want to date someone! The reason I am telling you is that I need your help in finding someone to date. You are all my lovely friends and have your own social networks and I need your help in finding potential dates. Please put the word out that I'm looking."
Yes, that's extreme, but the point is that you have to network if you aren't capable of carrying on a simple conversation with a guy you meet at a dating site.
If you work in recruitment, then you know that part of the job is finding the pool of candidates for the job. Put your own expertise to work and recruit your own boyfriend! Rather than sit and wring your hands and feel sorry for yourself, get your power back, get things moving and get out there. Look on this as a journey, not some sort of insurmountable mountain.
If you can't find a date, then you are putting out signals that say "stay away, unapproachable, not interested" or something like that. You may have to ask your friends for some total honesty about this and get the feedback you need in order to address that. It may not be comfortable but it may also set you on the road to meeting suitable men.
So go be brave, write up the recruitment plan for you boyfriend and GET CRACKING!
Good luck! 2012 is going to be a good year for you, I think!
...............................
A
female
reader, Lorelai +, writes (22 December 2011):
Maybe you could talk to your girlfriends about this, even though it may be embarrassing to admit that you're a bit lonely and worried about not meeting the right guy for you, you should definitely confide in them.
Just because you're in a relationship it doesn't mean you can't go out to bars and socialise! You could have girly nights out and even though they may not hook up with anyone, doesn't mean you can't ;)
Too many people get into relationships and start to neglect their friends, I've done it, everybody has done it, but it's wrong. Because if that relationship goes wrong they'll be calling on your for help and support. So why can't you call on them for the same thing?
If they won't come through for you then I suggest finding some new friends, easier said than done I know, but you need to do things that sometimes sound lame and seem futile like joining groups or going to group exercise classes at the gym (I met a guy there once). Or even switching jobs or departments can introduce you to so many more people.
Also, remember it's Christmas, and though most of the parties will be about over, if you get invited to anything then definitely GO!
Please keep us updated on how you get on, and when you get that ring on your finger I want to know about it so I can feel all smug and say 'I told you so!'
Good luck and have fun! x
...............................
|
