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female
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anonymous
writes: I'm 24 years old and have met the man of my dreams! I know for sure he's the one because I feel it with every inch of my being. The problem is I feel jealous of his time spent with other people. I feel I cant trust him and am afraid he will cheat on me. Whenever I can get a chance I sneak a look at his mobile phone to check his texts and calls, I never find anything but am paranoid its just because he's erased them. How do I stop my Paranoia? Its putting a strain on our relationship
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2006): I to have feelings like yourself with insecure and paranoid feelings about my partner but would advise you to seek counselling yourself regarding this as my paranoia and insecurity with myself HAS led to my partner going off, leaving me, texting and doing all the things that I dreaded happening. I know because I am the same as yourself that the more you push the more they break free and until you deal with your emotional fears you will always smother and for want of a better word - try to control their lives as this is YOUR security in making you feel better.If you cannot learn to deal with your insecurity and paranoia it is better to be single or explain to your partner (if he is the one) about your feelings and why you do these things - if he is understanding and helpful he is the one, if he flips out then he is not. I am yet again trying to resolve my paranoia and make a fresh start but yet again paranoia has crept in and hand on heart I should let it go until I believe in myself!!! Good luck
A
female
reader, Lala +, writes (27 August 2005):
Aloha Friend:
There's not much else I can add, since the others here have done a phenomenal job of "dissecting" the reasons and aspects as to the cause(s) of your fears.
One thing I didn't see mentioned however, which I think is also important to note, is that (in addition seeking professional counceling and searching deep within your soul) you need to be SINGLE right now! YOU ARE NOT EMOTIONALLY READY TO BE INVOLVED WITH ANYONE!!
If you love this guy as much as you claim, free him now while you cure yourself. Don't force him to endure YOUR hurts and insecurities, because it'll make for a truly dysfunctional relationship embedded with obligation and resentment among other negatives.
Best regards in your journey.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2005): It might help to ask yourself a few questions as to what is really going on when these intense feelings are happening. Have you been a prior relationship where you were cheated on? Do you trust your boyfriend?
It appears you suffer from deep feelings of insecurity and you seem to believe that you cannot hold onto your new boyfriend's love-a result of many factors including your previous relationships or possibly events from your childhood that might have made you feel unlovable. These feelings have nothing to do with your new boyfriend. They are internal, dear. No matter how loving your boyfriend is, he cannot take away your pain and confusion that exists in you. You need to take responsibility for your own feelings and take action or this relationship will continue to go downhill.
You need to work on yourself emotionally to build the strength to combat this fear and negativity. One good way that can be used is to consciously look for the positive in yourself. When you find yourself dwelling on the negative, step back and really get it in perspective-tell yourself your feelings are unwarranted. You need to rid yourself of these feelings of inadequacy & build your confidence to believe in yourself. When you hear negative comments coming from within, tell your inner critic to stop. Only focus on your positive and give praise to yourself when something goes well. By focusing on the good things in your life, the positive aspects of your life, you can change how you feel about yourself. It takes work..and time so be patient with yourself. Another good option, is to seek some counseling. Counseling can & will help turn things around when you are battling low self-esteem & paranoia, connected to that.
Please remember, when you give into feelings of paranoia, (or extreme fear, suspiciousness and jealousy) you begin to create more restrictions on your boyfriend and this is emotionally draining on him. Demanding more information about what he is doing will only put your relationship at risk. Loving another person does not mean possessing them, or relying on them to help you feel better about yourself. That is your job, not his. This is unhealthy and will get worse over time until he gets fed up & walks away..creating more pain of loss for you.
Hun, please try to "believe so you can achieve"--this is the only way. You deserve to be happy and be loved..the only way is to learn to love yourself, first. I hope this has helped . Take Care
Hugs, Irish
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reader, pops +, writes (26 August 2005):
Work on your self esteem. Get counseling. Jealousy is merely a reflection of your personal insecurity, and self doubt. What are you so unsure about yourself? why do you think that anyone else can take away your bf? What happened in your life that has caused you to be unable to trust anyone? Without trust, there cannot be love, and a meaningful relationship. There is always a risk when you extend trust to another that that trust will not be honored. It happens to us all. But, we take a chance with other people and sometimes find that special person who rewards our trust ten fold. Not all the time, and maybe not enough times, but it happens. Has he done anything to make you think he can't be trusted?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2005): I used to do the same thing and i told myself if he cheats, he cheats. Im too tired to babysit him. Also guys who are going to cheat will cheat. You cant stop him, you can only find out sooner and get out!
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