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anonymous
writes: I'm 24 years old, and have a daughter of 4 years. I've been in a secure relationship for the past 3 years. I love my boyfriend(*Peter), we live together and my daughter knows him as her father. We also have dogs, so needless to say, I don't want to lose what I have with him. But about 3 weeks ago, we were out at a pub with our friends, His cousin (*jack) and jack's girlfriend (*jane), who is also my best friend. After about an hour Jane left to go home and Jack stayed with us. After a few drinks Peter and I got into an argument and he stormed out. Jack and I decided to stay and keep each other company. We stayed till closing time, Jack then invited me over to his place, seeing as we were both still very much in the party mood, so I went. We spent the first hour talking about Jane and Peter, and then he kissed me. I remember thinking that this was not a good idea, but everything in me wanted it. So I didn't stop him, and we ended up sleeping together that night. No one knows or suspects anything. But ever since then, we've been calling each other constantly, talking about what happened and wanting to do it again. We're constantly planning our next get-together, and have been twice, since then. We are in a very difficult situation, because Peter and Jack are cousins, Jane and I are best friends, Neither one of us want to hurt Peter or Jane, but we cant seem to get enough of each other. I think I'm falling for him, and I know he feels the same, but we're afraid of risking what we have with Peter and Jane. So my question is this: What do I do? I do not want to leave Peter, but I sure as hell don't want to give up what I have with Jack either. Peter makes me feel old and spent and he's a constant reminder of who I am, a mother and "wife", and Jack makes me feel like the most beautiful woman on earth, smart and sexy. When I'm with him I feel like I'm in high school again. Please anyone, I need your advice.
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reader, charliesgirl +, writes (26 August 2005):
Tread extremely carefully here. What you are considering doing, that is having extramarital relations with Jack, could undermine practically all of your personal relationships. Your behaviour in these circumstances will impact upon your child, your boyfriend, your best friend and the relationship between your husband and his cousin.
Your flirtation with Jack has brought to the surface what you are lacking in your relationship with Peter. The events of that night were escapism and lust. It indicates what you desire in your relationship. You are a young woman, and also a mother- perhaps you are feeling old before your time, and seeking to recapture some of your lost youth?
You state that you don't want to risk what you have in your relationship with Peter, so I think that it is necessary that you try and address the "stalemate" that you obviously are feeling. If you can change your way of thinking about Peter, and associating him with feeling tied down then the relationship stands a chance. It depends on whether or not you truly want to be with him and have a future with him, or whether you are in the relationship out of habit.
Before you involve any "third" parties (Jack) in your relationship it is very important that you decide what it is that you want. Think about what you actually get out of your relationship, it is true love, support and commitment, or is it simply a stable grounding for yourself and your child? If the relationship you are in is making you feel "old and spent" at the age of 24, then there's cause for concern! Talk to Peter about your problems. You may decide to make a joint effort towards saving the relationship. Alternatively, you may decide that you do not have a future together. Being a single parent is better for yourself, and your child, than staying in a relationship that you do not want to be engaged in. Children are perceptive and will sense any unease in the family unit. But only you decide what it is that truly want.
If you do decide to take a break, for the sake of you and your child do not rush into another committed relationship, especially not with your ex's cousin. That would be a terrible blow to your ex. Take your time to decide what it is that YOU want, and what is best for your child.
Good luck
A
reader, pops +, writes (26 August 2005):
Sorry you can't have both, and you may end up with neither. Grow up. What you did with Jack is inexcusable. In one act, you broke a trust with your bf, and with your best gf! If you want a life with Peter, than go to work on fixing what is broke. If he is not romantic enough, tell him, and teach him how to pleasure you.
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